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Newest Member: AnneShirley72 (44933)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Retaliation?
Jojosam
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Member # 38381
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only 8 months out. Some days all I want to do is retaliate!!! Just find anyone to screw to make us even!!!

I know it isn't right. I know it won't solve anything. But to give him a piece of the hurt right back!!!

Am I alone in this thought??


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...the night I told my BF she laughinly said, "hey, you should jump our cute waiter in the wine cellar!" She was totally joking. I laughed. Honestly, I pictured myself straddling him and it grossed me out.

No interest for me. We are 5 months from D-Day. We want to R so that would pretty much through a damper on that!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never wanted to cheat-figure I am plenty messed up now and that would prob just add to my own misery and disappoint myself more than anything. But did I feel like beating the shit out of WH and whore MOW--hell yeah!

Did I? No.

Do I still wish I could or would have? Sometimes. WH took some guns to a friend's cause he thought I might kill him. I thought he wanted to make I didn't get em in the divorce!

I was outrageously ANGRY 8 months out, it does get better


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I don't know that it's necessarily 'wrong' in the moral sense, but that 99 times out of 100, the person having the RA probably doesn't get what they though they would out of it. Instead of feeling 'even', they still feel angry, and now also ashamed.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2075 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Awake2012
♀ New Member
Member # 39018
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, many of us have thought of this. But just remember, chances are you never saw this coming. So, if you did it, you would only be hurting yourself. Because WS think about this. Therefore, if it happens they wont be hit as hard as you.

They will never feel it the way you did. I have thought of it. But then immediately dismissed it. The thought of another touching me makes me want to throw up.

I have never cheated in all my years with him, 18 years, and have never been tempted. I think some of us are satified with one partner, no matter the problems. Others handle things differently.

If you never cheated, then chances are, your only thinking of it now because your ego has been hit hard.

For the first six months, I felt I didn't have what it takes to keep him satisfied. Like I wasnt good enough, and I didnt do it for him. And I craved someone to make me feel I did it for them. Like I was likable and desirable. But I got over that.

And I spoke with a friend that was cheated on and she did revenge cheat. She said she did it to show him she was desirable and other guys would want her. But she also said it did nothing for the pain. And her marriage failed and now she hates him. It wont solve anything and you would just be sacrificing yourself and reducing yourself to their level. Dont do it. There are plenty of ways to start feeling good about yourself without doing that.

They will never know your pain, because they dont want to. Cheaters run from problems, this would just give them a chance to blame shift and put it all on you.

My WH accusing me of wanting that, thats why he keeps me really close. Checks my phone, needs to know who I talk to, ect. Its insulting. Especially since he never fessed up and I discovered what I do know for myself.

He won't talk about anything. And I know he is on the lookout for revenge cheating. So sick really. He could make things easier, but wont due to his own feelings. They are still more important than mine.

But I dont care anymore. I am dealing in my own way, and if my marriage fails it will be because Im sick of his selfishness. He will never know that pain due to my actions.

I have never heard of a relationship surviving revenge cheating. Its pretty much toast after that. I think because the actions are so delibrate. I mean you wont be able to say sorry and mean it.

Just think long and hard and dont make decisions when your upset. There is no rush. But I honestly dont believe it would help the situation. And also consider your WS, may use it as an excuse to revenge cheat on you. Then when does it stop? When you both have STD's?

Yes, you cant help entertaining the idea, but I am pretty sure the out come will not be what you are hoping for.

I would really like my WH to know this pain, and I believe if he knew how painful this was he probably would not have done it. But he also never thought I would find out, so he probably would have anyway. They dont care about our pain, they are too busy with theirs . Although I am sure there are some WS that do, mine just doesn't.

I will never forget the night he knew I knew, one of the things he said was, he just realized I was a person with feelings, WTF!!! He didnt know that before? Then he apologized that the affair hurt my feelings. WTF !!! Seriously? He had and still has no clue what he did to me, my heart, or the love I had for him.

Just take care of you, dont let them turn you into something your not.


Be true to yourself, they can love you or hate you, but you will be you.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2013
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH wouldn't even care if I did, so what would be the point. I'd only be hurting myself.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 894 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's really revenge to merely have an affair. Really getting revenge involves lying, gas lighting and keeping secrets... But is that who you want to be? If you must get revenge, be creative and make sure it's something you'll really enjoy. Sell his sports car and use the money to travel to Europe kind of revenge. You know what they say, "the best revenge is living well."


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
brokensunflower
♀ Member
Member # 38674
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no your not alone in this .. I thought about it too.. but im not like that .. I love my husband too much .. were in R now for almost 7 months now .. I would love for the 0W to get ran over by a bus or attacked by a lion .. but what are the odds of those happening .. sericously I don't even look at another man ,,,


me 33
him 32
6 wonderful kids 12 yrs 8 yrs 5 yrs 4 yrs and 2 yrs ..and new baby
married 10 years together for 12 yrs
working on R

my give a damn is busted


Posts: 221 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: cold ohio
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, of course you aren't alone in that thought. But think about it this way: Do you really want to stoop to that level? Take the high road. It will pay dividends later in life like you can't even imagine right now. Don't compromise your integrity as a human being by engaging in similar behavior. It will NOT make you feel good at all, and will stay with you for the rest of your life.

That being said, it's perfectly human of you to feel hurt and want to lash out at the source of your hurt in an equivalent way. But just sit with that and let it ride through. Whatever you do, do NOT act on it. Again, you will not want to live with that decision the rest of your life. That, I can promise you!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is very normal for most BS's. Just know that while it may be nice to contemplate in your own mind sometimes... IRL, it's always a very very bad idea on many different levels!

Please do not do this!


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Awake2012
♀ New Member
Member # 39018
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just heard this somewhere, I forget where:

"The best revenge is success".

I think this means be happy and accomplish your goals. Show them you can be happy with or without them. Depends if they are worth keeping, but moving on and being happy no matter your choice.

Find your happy place and allow them to join if they deserve it.


Be true to yourself, they can love you or hate you, but you will be you.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about it, but know that I will never act on it. That is just not how I am wired. Even though we are separated, I am still married and cannot trash my vows the way he did. Besides, one of my POS's favorite comebacks is, "do what you have to do." That tells me he couldn't give a shit if I did it or not so there would be no real revenge. I will get my revenge in court then being successful and happy when its over. When he is roasting in hell he might actually stop for a nano second and regret his actions, but not before then... I will not compromise my integrity and morals for anyone, least of all that POS. I AM better than he is!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't work, I'm sure. I almost got to do that because while we were S and she was with OW I dated and yes I was with someone else.
When I ask now if that bothers her she says "Of course it does, but I figure I brought it on myself". So no it doesn't give her a taste of the pain she put me through.
I suspect an actual retaliation affair, complete with the lies and deception would only make the WS feel "oh thank god we're even now".... but I could be wrong.


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect an actual retaliation affair, complete with the lies and deception would only make the WS feel "oh thank god we're even now"

^^^THIS^^^ Along with a hundred other valid reasons why it's just a bad idea... STD's, Safety, Compromising your own values etc... etc...


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Jada52
♀ Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not really want to cheat with someone else but would love to retaliate on the OW and the WS in some way.

I have had a few opportunities over the past 15 years to cheat, but it is not my nature to do so.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A revenge affair is just like any other affair, someone being pissed off and selfish about it to the point it inflicts harm on someone they profess to care about.

Fantasy scenarios are one thing, most people have them. They rarely involve the months of looking at the agony you inflicted and wondering if that's really who you chose to be, though.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thought of a RA has its appeal from a vengeance standpoint, but that's about it. My thought process so far has been: nothing my wife has done gives me the right to degrade myself. Or defile the marriage further, if it's to be saved. R or D, I have to live with myself.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Jojosam
♀ New Member
Member # 38381
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone--thank you for your great comments!! Sometimes it would just feel good to say "there! Suck on that for a while!"
Every one of you had very valid points. Thank you for sharing them.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013
Darkonius
♂ Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a little funny, and very reassuring to read these posts and know that I am not alone in feeling this way. There is an almost overwhelming need within me to make her understand the hurt and the pain that she has caused me, its as if I feel that if she truly understood the depth of the pain she would never do it again, but in the end the things that are broken inside of them that made them do the things that they did are the same things that protect them from a RA, they just don't see things the same way we do. I did have a RA of sorts, it was an online A, and was never physical, but in the end all I ended up doing was hurting myself even more and breaking someone elses heart that did not deserve it. I wish I had never done it. The other thing is that I am driven almost to the point of insanity wishing some sort of harm would come to the OM, I am a big believer in Karma and I feel as though it is failing to do its fair justice allowing him to walk around happy, I want him to be miserable the rest of his living days, and then all of whatever afterlife he believes in.The final message here is don't do it RA just justifies their actions to them, and makes you feel like crap.


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing is that I am driven almost to the point of insanity wishing some sort of harm would come to the OM, I am a big believer in Karma and I feel as though it is failing to do its fair justice allowing him to walk around happy, I want him to be miserable the rest of his living days, and then all of whatever afterlife he believes in.The final message here is don't do it RA just justifies their actions to them, and makes you feel like crap.

Was the woman you had an RA with married?

If so, do you think he might be here wishing that misery on you?

Maybe the OM was inflicting an RA on his wife and you were just collateral damage to him.

These things all have ripples that extend way beyond the immediate moment and participants. The OP are not worth the energy for many reasons, this is one of them.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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