Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife made out with a guy
survivor_kh
♀ Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cal, are you in IC as well? Infidelity can put you into a very severe depression. It's overwhelming, I'm always grateful that I was already in therapy before my Dday.

Yes, she has work to do on herself. Let her do that, and you make sure Calkid is getting what he needs ok?

Lots of hugs


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless the convention was work related, I'd say those are done for her now.

I don't think the images will ever leave. I think all you can hope for is that they diminish a little and you don't think about them on a daily basis.

So what has your wife said about all of this? Does she seem remorseful? Cry at all? I think she doesn't need to be going away like this anymore unless for work, and if so, you go with her.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This scenario is very odd. Many waywards are not truthful, we see it time and time again here, even when the BS insists that their situation is different. The time frame of the relationship does not seem right, and "he never finished though!" is a very common way to minimize things when sex can't be denied.

Good luck, hope the best.


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my pastor that I talk to. He helps me. I'm no longer in the pit of despair. Yesterday, the rent check for our house back east did not clear and she freaked out. See, Mr. D pays our renter to be his personal assistant with the rent money. That's her paycheck to her from him. Well, my wife freaks. She calls me at work saying, "See why I didn't want you to call him? I told you not to call him. This is just the beginning!" She was hiterical. I had to come home from work and calm her down. Turns out, it was simply and mistake by the renter when paying the rent electronically and had nothing to do with Mr. D. See, Mr.D is F*cking our renter too who is also married. I explained to my wife that if he stopped paying her rent, then he would stop paying her salary and the jig would be up. The renter would be pissed if she found out Mr.D and my wife fooled around plus, I told him that if he said anything to anyone to make my wife look bad, I'd be on the first plane back east, find him, and beat him within an inch of his life. He told me he understood and didn't want that plus he said, "Anything I say to slander your wife, I also do to myself and I don't want that either." But, my wife lives with this fear because she doens't want her friends and family back east to know about this. Yes, she is remoursful. She tells me I should kick her out, that she doesn't deserve me, cries a lot, thanks me from saving her from this messed up lifestyle, says she never wants to go through anything like this ever again. I ask her why and she says, because the guilt is almost unbearable, covering her tracks was exhausting, the way whe feels about herself is aweful, that she's lost my faith and trust is unbearable, and most of all, she never wants to inflict the kind of hurt that she did to me ever again. She no longer works for this multi-level marketing company. We've also set or reestablished bounderies. No going to clubs or bars without the other person - EVER, no drinking alchahol in a plublic place without the other person, no texting the opposite sex unless they are gay, no spending time alone with the opposite sex - ever, no talking about our relationship with the opposite sex, etc. The did not have sex and she has been truely upfront with everything they did with too much detail (my fault there but I asked for it and some things, I wish I didn't know), he did finish but in her mouth (Yuck!) Things are looking much better. She's getting readyd to go down south to watch our grandson while my duagher-in-law has open heart surgery for two weeks which actually might be a good thing to give us both some time to let things just simmer down since they have been so intense at home. I'll miss her but, I think it might be good. I feel very positive right now that we are moving forward and healing although its still hard and not easy.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what she says, She says that she was not looking for sex from Mr. D, just attention and fun. She says she told him, no pussy, it's Calkid's. You can have everything else, but not that, no sex and no touching the pussy. I ask her why, she replies because I wasn't looking for sex from him, he had a little dick, she's very proud that my dick is the only one to ever be in there, and she's had 5 of my babies with that pussy. Her and I have always loved the fact that dick has never known another pussy and her pussy has never known another dick. And then, she asks me why when they had the opportunity to have sex, do I think he didn't push the issue? The night that she blew him, she was sharing a hotel room with Mr. D and two other woman (one of which Mr. D is fucking, my wife couldn't sleep, went downstairs to the lobby, was smoking a cig and asked herself, "What would I gain by letting him fuck me? He's got a little dick, if Calkid found out, he'd ever R with me, and I've got a much bigger and nicer dick waiting for me at home." Then the next morning, everyone was getting ready except my wife was lying in the bed, the other two girls went downstairs and left Mr. D alone with my wife. She said he was looking down at her in the bed, staring her right in the eyes, when said she could tell he was thinking about fucking her. She asked him, "What?" He shook his head and said, "I gotta get outta here." She said she had her rebuke already planned but he didn't try for sex, just left. Then she asks me why I think he didn't try.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's feeding you a line, and you're buying it hook line and sinker. No one involved in an affair ever thinks, during the affair, about the consequences and how they shouldn't do this or that sex act because their spouse won't ever R with them if they do. That's the biggest crock I've ever heard! Instead, what they think is "I've gone this far, might as well go all the way".

I can't tell you how many WW's have told their BH that the sex wasn't as good, the junk wasn't as big, the OM never orgasmed, etc. etc. etc, and how everytime it's been a lie.

It all goes back to lie detector, and STD tests.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The night that she blew him, she was sharing a hotel room with Mr. D and two other woman (one of which Mr. D is fucking, my wife couldn't sleep, went downstairs to the lobby, was smoking a cig and asked herself, "What would I gain by letting him fuck me? He's got a little dick, if Calkid found out, he'd ever R with me, and I've got a much bigger and nicer dick waiting for me at home." Then the next morning, everyone was getting ready except my wife was lying in the bed, the other two girls went downstairs and left Mr. D alone with my wife. She said he was looking down at her in the bed, staring her right in the eyes, when said she could tell he was thinking about fucking her.

Wait, what? She shared a hotel room with him and two other women? And one he was also sleeping with? I would want EVERY detail about this. I don't know a lot of grown men and women who would share a room in this manner.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh calkid

He's got a little dick, if Calkid found out, he'd ever R with me, and I've got a much bigger and nicer dick waiting for me at home

That is fucked up....I am sorry for the language, but she is full of shit!
I am so sorry for your pain, this is unbearable to read,


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going through this. Be gentle with yourself. You remind me so much of myself when I was in your situation. Looking for the positive, thinking it wasn't really so bad, bargaining with myself. It's a phase you are going to experience, and then one day it is going to hit you how really messed up this situation is, how the only path to R is going to be through a complete shift in her attitude - remorse, honest, sincere, sober remorse. Mine never did get there, but I am hoping yours does. Right now your WW is sorry, but NOT remorseful. Hang in there man.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Huge hugs!!)))

Your WW almost (almost, barely) had me thinking for 10 seconds that she was remorseful and from where you started this thread to where you were seemed on the right path.

HOWEVER.

That was before this last crock of shit that came tumbling out of her mouth.

And, it is evil and meant to inflict pain to top it off.

"Why do you think he didn't try to fuck me, Cal??" Hmmm... let's sit here and ponder that, shall we? So odd, she says.

Cal, I am so very sorry, but please remember the awful details and embellishments she added to make her first cycle of this sordid tale "believable." Remember the ear nibbling, etc. The balcony scene. The dialogue.

THIS IS PURE B.S.

You may not care now - because you are over-loaded and you WANT so much to believe her.

But, if you are anything like many of us here, as time goes by, your brain will start picking apart every little discrepancy, every little nuance.

Heck, yesterday, I realized that SEVEN YEARS ago, I had invited my WH to lunch (was in his area of work unexpectedly) and he shot me down but kept asking where I would be - BECAUSE HE WAS WITH HIS MCOW. This is only one of thousands of details that have bubbled to the surface after my subconscious continues to replay and process the BULLSH*T stories and match them up to facts.

I am sorry to go on and on...

But, this "story" and specifically how the heroine has "her refusal all ready to go" but because Mr. D is (implied) such an honorable man, didn't even need her response because he didn't even try...

And, one final note.

Why does it matter?

IT IS HORRIBLE, over the top, disrespectful, direct evidence that she STILL.DOES.NOT.GET.IT.

She cannot possibly start to move forward with her continued mindset of minimizing, gas lighting, and LYING.

(((HUGS!)) I, unfortunately, cannot offer advice on HOW to get the truth - only that I know when I am not seeing it. Polygraph? Ultimatum? Whatever the answer is, I know BS only have a limited window of time "power-wise" -- after too long, it is almost like a statute of limitations kicks in and it doesn't feel feasible to still be demanding answers.

HUGS. PLEASE INSIST ON THE TRUTH FOR YOURSELF.


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning calkid,

I do not intend this to be more piling on, just relating what I see from my personal perspective. Your actual mileage may vary.

I do not remember all of the details of my first two months, but FWW and I got to a point where there was an agreed to narrative. She implied she had sex with OM, in my mind maybe a dozen times over 3 years and 2 OM, mostly oral.

At about 6 months I was really hitting a point of rage, not just angry, but rage. Little pieces just did not make sense. Under pressure from me and our MC, she provided me with 4 written pages of additional details. Not a full timeline, but it greatly expanded the scope and depth of her A. Overnight meetings in out of town hotels, daytime meetings in hotels, phone sex, stexting, photos, earlier OM with 2x ONS, sex about 2x a month over 2-3 years with OM.

The purpose of my post though is not to warn you to expect more (others have done that adequately). My point is that no matter how many OM, how many times she fucked or blew them, or sent photos and masturbated on the phone with them, it all came form the same place, the same brokenness. She craved the attention, the external validation, the sense of power having 3 OM attracted to her. She had re-written the M blaming me. She was not happy and concluded that I was the reason that she was not happy.

The reality is my FWW had a bunch of unresolved issues from her childhood, from some sexual abuse, from some personality traits that she needed to work through and figure out. No matter if it was the first OM she blew in a bathroom after work, or the last one she had a 2+ year A with, it was all driven by the same thing.

...thanks me from saving her from this messed up lifestyle, says she never wants to go through anything like this ever again.

If she never wants to go through something like this again, she needs to figure out why she did in the first place. I do not mean the surface reasons of you not paying attention, but the deeper whys. Why when you were not paying attention did she look to attention from OM? Why did she thing sharing a hotel room with OM and women was OK?

We've also set or reestablished boundaries. No going to clubs or bars without the other person - EVER, no drinking alchahol in a plublic place without the other person, no texting the opposite sex unless they are gay, no spending time alone with the opposite sex - ever, no talking about our relationship with the opposite sex, etc.

New boundaries are good, and important, but why is it that she will not break the new boundaries as she did the old ones the next time she feels lonely or unattractive? It is nice that she does not want to hurt you again, but why was it OK to hurt you this time? Why did she think it would be OK to blow OM so long as she did not fuck him?

Finally,

"What would I gain by letting him fuck me? He's got a little dick, ...

If I had a dollar for every time since dday that I have been told by FWW how big my dick is I could be retired on my boat. I do not think I am small, but I am not exceptional. This is a quick and easy one for FWW to "make it OK", but when you think about it, how happy should I be with the equivalent of: Oh Honey, your dick is so much bigger and nicer than the other dicks I have had since we were married."

During her two weeks away she should make appointments for IC when she gets back to figure out her whys. While she is gone, is there a way for you to verify that Mr. D is where he should be and not where she is?

--Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you all are saying, I do. But you are not emotionally attached to her as I am. You don't know her as I do. You have to understand that she was the first girl I had sex with and I was the first boy she did. And, before now, we had not had sex with any other person. This is a family woman that has created 5 babies with me using that pussy. Just like last night, I got her shit faced drunk, almost to the point do passing out, telling me stuff she would never tell me sober. I asked her why , she said, "because that creates life" and pointed to her pussy. Then, she said, "and its yours." To which I corrected her, no can't do all of that stuff because this entire body is mine and if anyone ever kisses or touches it again, I'll drop your ass in a second.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calkid, I know you probably feel like you're getting ganged up on, but please understand the advice people are giving comes from a good place and also from the unfortunate experiences we've had. No one wants to join this club. It's an experience others really can not understand.

Just like last night, I got her shit faced drunk, almost to the point do passing out, telling me stuff she would never tell me sober.

This is a problem. Your wife needs to be totally honest with you and she needs to be sober when she is. You should write down everything she's told you so far then keep asking the same questions. See if the answers change at all. So far they have, but keep asking to see if things keep changing. Maybe ask her to write it all out for you as well? Write out the timeline, the details, etc.
I made my WH sit down with me and go through everything. I told him if he left out anything that I would find out later and it would put us right back at D-Day. He told me all of the embarressing details and we're in R. If you want to R with her, then sit her down and say "Look, I need to know the honest to God truth. Nothing is going to hurt me or surprise me at this point, but we can't move forward until I know everything and the truth." And insist she goes to IC. She needs to figure out why she did this. The hotel room alone says she has boundary issues.

Lastly, ask her to read "Not Just Friends". My IC told me her test for couples is to ask them to read a book. If the Wayward spouse refuses or doesn't follow through, she knows right then that they aren't committed to R.

Sorry you have to go through this. It's hell and none of us here deserved it.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cali - We understand where you are coming from, better than you know. That is why most of us are telling you that you are not getting the whole truth. We are not attacking you, or your wife, we are simply saying based on our experiences there is a 99.9% chance there is more to this.

I would strongly suggest you stick with having her do a poly.

I also am concerned because I am seeing a pattern of self medication with alcohol. Yes this is a very difficult time, however drinking to the point of being "drunk" is not helpful to either of you. If she is not sleeping then she needs to get medication, not drunk. I will only make her feel worse physically and mentally.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is Mr. D married? I don't recall that question being answered.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drinking won't help- in my opinion you should be stopping her drinking not encouraging it. I know this because my wife's been away with the fucking fairies for years- more recently she's been in the real world and it means when I have a shit week (like this week) she can physically do her best to help without a substance messing with her head.

I agree with Tushnurse and many others- I'm not attacking you or your wife when I say she's lying- she's most likely lying because she thinks she's protecting you or thinks you'll leave her.

I say this because I can't physically imagine a scenario where someone would be like yes do this/do that but this is my husband's- do you know what I mean?? Like- how could she have been thinking of you when someone's doing that to her?

I'm 99% certain my wife wasn't thinking about me when she was having it away- the 1% comes from the first 5 seconds where she might have done- before she made the choice. When the choice is made I think thoughts of spouses goes out the window mate.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him that if he said anything to anyone to make my wife look bad, I'd be on the first plane back east, find him, and beat him within an inch of his life.
How about this: let your wife experience the consequences of her infidelity. Let her experience them WITHOUT you becoming the Knight in Shining Armor.

You did not cheat. If the rent check bounces because "Mr. D." is vengeful---well, that's a pretty natural consequence of your wife's choices.

She is an adult. She made very adult choices, knowing very well that the consequences for them, if discovered, would be dire.

Why are you acting as though she is not responsible for her actions?

Mr. D is no more in need of a "beating within an inch of his life" than anyone else in this scenario.

Take the focus off him. In fact, take the focus off ALL of this.

Focus on YOURSELF. Read, in the Healing Library, #11 in the FAQs for BSs. It addresses the 180. This technique of detachment allows the BS to gain perspective. You think you have things under control now, and will protest you don't need this. You have a LOT of people telling you the same thing, and you're refusing to listen. I get that---really, I do. (I was also abysmal at the 180, but practice makes perfect and, by the time I learned it, I REALLY REALLY REALLY needed it, and was glad that others had belabored its importance.)

Here's the deal: you can't control anything or anyone but yourself.

Your wife? She's not in it yet. Will she be, soon? She very well may be. But right now, she's not. Your new boundaries, rules, etc? They are meaningless. Your discussions of her affairs? Full of shit.

You're not going to change her---not what she does, not what she feels, not what she thinks. You just can't---EVER.

This is a very difficult concept for many to grasp, and it's clear you're struggling with it.

What you CAN change is yourself. No, I'm not suggesting that any flaw in you contributed to your wife's decision to cheat. What I am suggesting is that, in the aftermath of that disgusting decision, the only thing you can control is YOUR response.

Trying to elicit the responses you want from your wife is futile. Take it from the woman who, when she was not a puddle of tears and snot on the bathroom floor, was hectoring her long-cheating husband in an attempt to first elicit the truth (never came, never will), then create a marriage from the rubble. (You do know that your marriage is dead, right? That if you choose to remain married, you will have to start from the beginning, only without the champagne and hors d'oeuvres. Instead, you'll be starting with a pile of shit---which is why you need 100% commitment from your wife.)

So. Focus on yourself. Ease back from the affair----it wasn't YOUR affair, after all---and let your wife figure that out. (It would be great if she did so in IC, but again, if she's not 100% in, that's a waste of time and money and, with the wrong counselor, can be very damaging to the marriage; a lying WS and a coddling IC can do a heck of a lot of harm.)

Let her handle the consequences of her affair, including getting a glimpse of life without you there to pooper-scoop for her.

Focus on the 180. Get YOURSELF strong. Learn what you can and cannot control (because you're waaaaaay off the mark now). Learn what does and does not help you. Most of all, learn that you will survive this, no matter what.

You think, right now, that standing up for your woman with this "small-dicked Mr. D" is somehow helpful to her. Really, it's enabling behavior. It sends her the message that no matter how she messes up, you will fix it.

And you can't. Even if you want to.

This is her infidelity. It is her mess to clean up.

When she is committed to doing so, then yes---there are some aspects for which your participation will be essential.

But for now? Let her feel her feelings without insulating them. Let her learn to cope with the consequences herself.

Failing to do so not only jeopardizes a healthy reconciliation, but is harmful TO HER. It infantilizes her. It tells her you don't have faith in her. It teaches her she can't trust herself to do things on her own.

And yeah, in light of her transgressions, this may SEEM true. But the fact is, until she learns how to comport herself appropriately, she will not be a suitable, safe partner for you.

So you do YOUR job: focus on yourself. Become a healthier person (why? because it's the right thing to do). Establish your OWN boundaries. Learn to identify what you can and cannot control, and detach from the latter; it's NOT YOUR CONCERN.

Let your wife feel her feelings. Let her endure the consequences of her actions. (No, I'm not saying punish her; I'm saying let her feel fear, if she's concerned about fallout. If the fallout materializes, allow her to experience that. You can't spare her, really, anyway--you can just make idle gestures, like threatening to beat "Mr. D" up. Which is ... not helpful, at best. Let her own her actions, feel their consequences, and make her own decisions about when and how to return to the marriage. The fact is, she may not choose to do so at the time or in a way that is acceptable to you; it's important for YOU to see this, and to make an informed decision about whether you choose to remain in the marriage that has yet to be defined. The one you had is over. The one to be built may not work for you. The only way you will know this is if you step back and let her become the woman she is to be. The woman you married is gone. You owe it to BOTH of you to observe the woman taking her place---because there's nothing worse than trying to fit that puzzle piece in next to you, only to find out, years hence, that it never did fit, and everything YOU'VE worked so hard for has been just gone along with----or resented---for years, something that sadly is often the outcome, when D-days 2 and subsequent roll around.)

I am VERY sorry for you pain. Please do not mistake my bluntness for a lack of care; I really do. I am just sharing what I learned over a very long marriage with a man who is now a stranger. If I could do it over, I'd 180 from the first hint of infidelity, and watch very carefully to see if my husband and I even HAD a future, before working hard to preserve it.

ETA: I agree, discontinue the drinking games. In vino veritas is a fallacy; what you "learn" from her about her "remorse" when drunk is false. Alcohol merely brings out the maudlin, not the truth.

And Jana brings up a good question: Is "Mr. D." married? If so, consider letting his wife know of his extracurriculars. She should know what is going on so she can make informed decisions about her life--including the decision to be tested for STD.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:46 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8573 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've also set or reestablished bounderies. No going to clubs or bars without the other person - EVER, no drinking alc(o)hol in a plublic place without the other person, no texting the opposite sex unless they are gay, no spending time alone with the opposite sex - ever, no talking about our relationship with the opposite sex, etc.

You should clarify that those are HER boundaries, not yours. You have not done anything to warrant having those types of boundaries placed upon you. Put the burden of earning trust on HER, not you. If you want to go to a bar with friends female or male, that should be of no concern to her, except that you tell her up front. What? You might cheat? You say "it's so so" and "if you want to call, call" and "i'll be home at x time" and "we're just friends". The reality is she has now her own self-originating trust issues and she will object big time.

Trust me I've made this mistake and know. You see my wife when we met had been cheated on by her 1st husband and she placed all kinds of restrictions on me that weren't right. She NEVER trusted me--EVER. I thought I was being a good man by going alone. All I was doing was enabling her to never rebuild her trust of anyone. Don't enable her. Trust is everything, but if a person can't trust you, you can't make them. Enabling her by keeping yourself also under lock and key doesn't help AT ALL.

Also, she is only ok with those boundaries because now she knows you know that she fucked other people, and she's afraid that you might think about doing the same "in a moment of weakness". Not that you ever would, but that's her thinking.

Tell her that those boundaries apply to her and HER alone. The rest about bars and alcohol and talking to the opposite sex.... NO NO, All of that applies to her only at this point. You are not a criminal. You did nothing to deserve the dragnet. You are still trustworthy. You have not violated her in any way. It was her. You have shown 20+ years of trustworthiness. Not her.

You will know from this test alone where you truly stand. If she says that it's not fair, then you know that she's lying about being remorseful, she's lied about everything so far, and she's probably still having an affair, both emotional and probably physical.

Now I know what you're going to say--that you want to show her respect and bla bla bla. You're like me. You're a good man. You don't want to be a bad husband. You'd never cheat on her. Yada yada yada. Whatever. She's being nothing more than a manipulative BITCH. I know because friend my wife used that against me also. Don't bite.

And let's get one thing absolutely straight. She absolutely, most postively DID have sex with him. Doesn't anyone else see this contradiction? She said her VaJJ was for you only , but he was allowed to rub it? I mean I know I'm a pretty young compared to many others on here, but I'm old enough to know that's not exactly how passion works. So he rubbed it for how long? You see how stupid that is?

Also, the fact that she has blamed you in any way shape or form at all at any point in time is evidence that she is not the least bit remorseful. AT. ALL.

I'd say FUCK THE BITCH, divorce her and move on. But ok, so you don't want to divorce. Fine. You need to at the very least file for legal separation at this point, with YOU having custody of any minor kids out of the 5 you have. If she has an issue with it, ask her if she'd rather separation or divorce?

Also, it is a time of reflection, which is what you so badly need. AWAY. FROM. HER. Trust me, after a few weeks away from seeing her face, you will definitely see her differently. TRUST ME. The ugliness within that is coming out of her will have changed how she physically looks and when you see her for the first time in a couple of weeks/months, your jaw will drop and you will be amazed at what she's turned into. That is the real eye opener. At least it has been for me. Every time I see her and how "ugly" she looks, it's make me sick to think I was believing her crap for so long. And the only thing that would start to make my wife beautiful again is self-originating confession of all her deeds and remorse for what she's done. And, asking for forgiveness. Even then, it would take a long time to see her as beautiful as I once did.

Everyone keeps saying you need a lie detector for the whole truth. I for one do not think you NEED it to know that she's lied to you about it all. My friend, you already KNOW what happened. Understand that you are taking your information from a known and convicted liar. You are just in denial about it. She is TTing you. And the reality is you will never get ALL of the truth from her. You first have to know the facts to ask the questions.

With that being said, let's just put it in the most clear/vulgar terms possible so you can get it over and move on...

She swallowed
He ate her out
He fucked her doggy style
She fucked on top
He fucked her sideways
He fucked her missionary style
He came inside her
He stuck it in her butt
He fucked her in the shower
She fucked him silly
They probably video taped it too. YUK!

Again, sorry to be so vulgar. I'm not usually this vulgar, but my wife's adultery has produced some rather undesirable traits in me that I'm not proud of--my increasing vulgarity being one. That being said, you need to realize that this is truly what happened. Again, I'm not trying to be mean or make it hurt worse. But you need to own up to the fact that it happened before you seriously get hurt any more than you already have. You want truth. There it is.

Frankly, nothing she has told you has been the truth. I've read this whole thread, and there is nothing in it whatsoever to make me believe she is being honest with you. That's why I say that a lie detector is pointless. A test is not going to somehow make her remorseful or tell you everything. It might catch them in another lie, but its not going to magically produce honesty out of her. And don't forget, you can easily fool lie detector tests. However, the lie detector tests should be a periodic part of the R as a part of HER accountability, to keep her story straight (which she won't be able to).

Your gut instinct (as well as this site) are the best thing you've got. If it doesn't add up, it doesn't add up. My friend, it doesn't add up. As others have mentioned, she is practicing TT, which my wife is practicing with me. At least I have come to the realization that my wife is a lying bitch and has no intention of ever telling me the truth. Do I still love her? Yes. I think we all still love our xWSes, but it's not ever the same. Will I ever get fooled again? No. Would I ever get back together with her? Highly doubtful. Don't rule it out friend, but do not make it a priority right now.

And to be honest, you need to get to the point all of us are at, where we just don't give a flying fuck anymore at what they say. Actions are everything. And to some degree, at judgement day, she'll have to answer for what's she's done, and that's enough for me. I've come to accept that she's incapable of telling me the truth. So, I don't ask for it. It's up to *them* to prove us different.

And as for the images in your head, there is something that I do that works. I think about my way forward. You can't do that if you're stuck in the past. And that is exactly where you're at. She will never be the person she was before the A. And all the sick little details about how many times, where, how, protected, unprotected, etc, only further demoralize your mind and fill your mind with pictures you don't need to have, and frankly, make it harder to recover. See examples above. Think of what YOU are going to do for YOURSELF.

Examples: Is there a side hobby you've always wanted to do? Want to switch jobs? Ever wanted to start up a new business? Dream my friend. Dream. The reality is you have complete control over your mind, not her. She is not a witch able to control your thoughts and dreams. You have that. And by focusing on this stuff, you are allowing her to destroy you along with her. And as long as you are physically around her, you will succomb.

But again, learn to dream my friend about the things you've always wanted to do, and go do them. Put it into action. What you may not realize is that she may be giving you a gift. Take it and go. Accept the reality that R may or may not be a possibility. It is way too early to tell. But if science has shown us anything is that MOST people, like 999/1000 are NOT capable of true, lasting change. We all want to believe that our xWSes are that 1/1000, but friend that is just not backed by logic.

Again, sorry for being vulgar and no intentions of making you hurt anymore, and sorry if I did.

Good luck. *WE* are here for you.

[This message edited by la433 at 10:49 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this quote from an article on another post on this forum:

"Listen to me chumps -- hope is not your friend. You need to bludgeon hope with a fencepost and begin to operate with total lucidity."

Sorry, dude, it's true.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr.D is married but going through a nasty divorce. I'm not sure what to do. Not sure about the lie detector test, not sure about the person she is now. What I am sure of is that I am a fighter and don't quit even when the going gets tough. I am sure I love her and I'm sure I don't want to break up the family. I'm sure she's sorry for hurting me. She says she's remoursful for everything and that shed never do it again and that she's 100% in this with me and wants to rebuild our marriage.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 279
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.