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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife made out with a guy
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calkid,

can you verify Mr. D is where he should be and not where your WW is? Can you monitor her cell calls and texts?


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read solus sto's post again and again - she's absolutely spot on there with everything she said.

Someone who is prepared to use her own 6 year old child's name to break NC with her AP - hiding it all from you, is nowhere NEAR remorseful or ready for R yet - and please don't believe her friends know any more of the truth than you do. They ONLY know what she has told them. Liars will lie to anyone.

Please try the 180 calkid it may help you to detach a bit and see more clearly.


(((calkid)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Brokenheart777
♂ Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! solus's post! Read it! Read it again. And then read it 3 more times. It is absolutely spot on, calkid. I'm a fighter too. I have the mentality that if you really want something that you have to fight for it. But that's not how this stuff works. You can fight, but fight for yourself. Your WW is DEFINITELY still off in fantasy land and you are suffering because of it. Protect yourself. Detach from the bullshit and find what makes you feel better. Only your WW can fix her own shit. Whether she will is the question but you need to detach from that outcome to help yourself. And as already stated, PLEASE get in to IC. It's incredibly beneficial. I love going to see my therapist every week.
Wishing you strength and well wishes brother.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She created a new fb account using my 6 year old son's name. This account has no friends, no messages, nothing. It appears, all she was doing was looking at pics.

Pay close attention to her "actions", not her words. Words can lie, but her actions tell you where her heart is at. It sounds to me like she is keeping her options open with respect to the OM. She knows her marriage is hanging by a thread and she may need a place to land.

So sorry for what you are going through.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, the fb thing was driving me crazy. So, I called her tonight and asked, "what are,you doing creating another fb account for out son and going to look at Mr.D's fb?" No answer on the phone. I asked again, what are you doing? No answer. What are you doing? "Just curious, that's all." Earlier today, I clicked on all the links in the history and she was just looking at pics. I asked, "did you message him or chat?" "No, just the pics." I asked her if she was still having problems with letting him go and this is what she said, "Yes, I am. We were already winding things down but I didn't get to end things my way. You and your brother and his wife swooped in and told me what I was going to do. It wasn't my choice. I am having problems because I didn't get to end the affair my way. I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to close the chapter but I didn't get to, You got to call him and tell him all the things you wanted to but I didn't. I didn't get that chance." I went nuclear. "You act like you have the God given right to end this illegal relationship on your terms. You don't deserve the right to wish your boyfriend a good life a then watch him ride off into te sunset!" She responded with, "We need to discuss this with Dr. So in so (marriage counselor) "goodbye" ad hung up the phone. See? It's still all about her! She started this affair because she was only thinking about herself in the first place. And now, she still is. This is just crazy. I have been the best most understanding husband I could be since I found out about this and don't deserve any of this. I mean, does anyone here think I'm wrong? "She also added somewhere in this conversation, I still have feelings for him. I'm not in love with him but I do have feelings for him" A guy you've only known for 3 months! C'mon here. You've known me for 23 years and I have never taken advantage or plaid you yet this guy has. Could she possibly be a bigger fool?

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calkid,

I want you to know I care about you and your suffering. There is so much information to try to handle. So much is happening and your life has been turned completely upside down. This is still very fresh and raw for you. It is pain that cuts to the core of your soul. I know.

I'm sure it is hard to hear all these responses of more going on than you know and all the other info. You have done very well to work on your life and M as well as share your very raw feelings. It takes some vulnerability share your innermost feelings and hear all the responses. Fortunately you are among friends. People who know the grief and pain and care about you.

Hang on. You are a good man. You can respect yourself for your behavior even though she has misbehaved and betrayed you so badly.

It takes a long time to work things out and heal. Yet I can assure you things will get better for you eventually. Somehow the pain gets less and is not as sharp.

I think it is good you have this time alone. It is hard to maintain that high stress level for too long. This way you can regulate more the amount of emotional effort you put into your wife for a while. It will give you time to step back think and reflect.

I know it does not feel comfortable having to track her behavior, but I think when you are dealing with a liar who is this significant in your life you must do so. You can not afford to not be aware of what she is doing. I firmly believe "Ignorance is not bliss!"
You really do need to know what you are dealing with. If it is bad you need to know. If it is good you can relax some after time.

I recommend signing up for premium access so you can learn more investigative techniques.

Do something just for you now.

Blessings.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2013
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, my son was listening through the door of my bedroom this morning and heard me talking about all this to a friend. My son is 16 years old. " Did Mom cheat on you dad?" I asked what in the world would make him ask me a question like that and he said, " I heard you talking about it on the phone and you called Mr.D a douche bag. I told him yes, his mother had an affair with Mr.D. Then told him not to tell his sister. "She already knows" "How?" "She grabbed your iPad the other day and on your safari, you had a bunch of tabs about. How to trust your wife after she cheats" then later tat day she told my son, "I think mom is cheating on dad and here's why." Plus on Friday when I came home from work, my wife was in the guest room talking rather loudly to my sis-in-law about her dinner with Mr. D out east a couple of weeks ago and my daughter (who is 14) could hear everything she was saying. I to,d her to go upstairs when I saw this. So, now what do I do? Do I tell the wife the kids know with her being down south, 2000 miles away or wait til she gets back to let her know the kids know?

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, what's the 180? Where do I find it?

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is a rush to tell her. Take more time to talk with your kids about it yourself and share your perspective of what is happening.

Let them ask you questions and be open and honest with them. Take into consideration there ages. You do not have to answer some questions if it is too much info. I think it is better for them to hear this from you rather than someone else.

They will need you especially now to be strong for them. That is tough. Kids that age understand much and they need to be informed with honesty. Ask them what questions they have and what they are thinking. That will help you know more about their needs rather than telling them some things that are not as necessary for them to know.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading your thread, and I am so sorry about what you (and now your children) are going through, and your pain.

I admire your clairity of mind, and your ability to express your feelings to your WW, rather than stuffing them down.

Regarding your children: at their age they understand a lot. Don't insult or isolate them by trying to hid your pain, or what is going on. They don't need to know the blow by blow account, but they do need to know that their mom has (hopefully) temporarily lost her mind, is having an affair, and will hopefully come to her senses again and become the mom and wife she was before she went bonkers.

That is the truth, doesn't totally degrade mom in the children's eyes, gives them hope and allows them to work on their own feelings, while watching you work out yours.

If your WW doesn't come out of it the older children will need to talk out their feelings with you or a counselor.

So sorry...I hope she comes back to her senses and hasn't turned into a totally selfish, heartless serial cheater.

You hang in there, take care of yourself and your children.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, what's the 180? Where do I find it?

Information about the 180 is in the healing library. Here is the direct link;
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

You may also find the following thread useful titled, Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I didn't clarify. The 180 is located in the Healing Library, which is in the yellow box to the left.

It's #11 in the FAQs for BSs.

(Grrr...forgive my typos; my Nook makes it hard to edit, which drives me nuts because I'm a writer/editor.)

And it's very tricky. Be kind to yourself as you attempt it. It takes time because it seems counterintuitive.

But give it a fair shake. It helps...it truly does. It gives you the distance to see things more clearly.

As for your kids knowing: I agree, this is amongst the most tragic fallout. But it is a nearly-inevitable natural consequence of infidelity, particularly when remorse isn't immediate. sometimes, when the WS immediately is remorseful, it can be avoided. But in a life fraught with dishonesty, telling kids the truth, though hard, can be positive; it reinforces their trust in you. It teaches them empathy for their struggling mom, and it prevents them from being blindsided if things head south.

You're doing so well. You really are. Millions of hugs and much strength to you. We all do care.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:15 AM, May 13th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
leakingheart85
♂ Member
Member # 9710
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a PM my brother

Posts: 463 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: Caribbean
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Calkid)))

This sucks. Every.single.thing.about.it.

I am so sorry for your pain. And, your wife's sh*tty behavior and SELFISHNESS.

Regarding your kids...
Unfortunately, just as people who have not experienced the pain of infidelity not completely understanding all of the fall out... please understand that your children may not "get" the big deal either.

My 14-yr old son hopped on my laptop (I forgot to logout of SI) and he read my profile.

I was upset for him and wanted to minimize the repercussions for my fWH. But it was completely unnecessary! My DS said "meh, what's the big deal? it was a long time ago. you need to get over yourself."

sigh. While I hope he NEVER experiences the soul-crushing pain of infidelity, I certainly did not expect such an ambivilent response either.

Anyway, just saying, do not expect the kids to feel or react the same as you do... Try to keep them out of on-going drama. But, do be honest with them if they have questions. Expect they can be very conflicted and may fall for your wife's explanations (when she gets back or talks to them.)

THIS ALL JUST SUCKS.
So sorry you are here.


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
calkid
♂ Member
Member # 39132
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being a jerk here about my wife's feelings about closure? Am I in the wrong? Does she really need that to truly let go and move on or is she still being selfish? I'm 100% convinced that she never would have told me about the affair had I not forced her. And, I'm not convinced she wouldn't still be in it had I not forced her to quit.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Could she possibly be a bigger fool?"

The question you need to ask yourself is not is your wife a bigger fool, but are you going to be her fool?

I know it's sounds corny and not necessarily about infidelity, but really think about what Tom Keifer (of Cinderella) wrote:

I count the falling tears
They fall before my eyes
Seems like a thousand years
Since we broke the ties
I call you on the phone
But never get a rise
So sit there all alone
It's time you realize

I'm not your fool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's fool
I'm no fool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's fool
Never again, no, no

You take your road, i'll take mine
The paths have both been beaten
Searchin' for a change of pace
Love needs to be sweetened
I scream my heart out, just to make a dime
And with that dime i bought your love
But now i've changed my mind

I'm not your fool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's fool
I'm no fool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's fool
Never again, no, no


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being a jerk here about my wife's feelings about closure?

No. She wants everything tied up with a pretty little bow. Nothing about this is pretty. That she could even say that to you tells me that she is still living in selfish land.

Some WSes do have trouble detaching from the AP. But that is something they should deal with internally. Not something they should tell you about and expect you to understand. And no, they do not get to do anything about it. NC is NC.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you decided about the polygraph yet?


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it seems to me that you have been the loving caring father for all, even for her. it seems she is resenting you taking control of her affair. Remember her comment "i got married right after high school?"

and now she has five kids.

so it's like she wants to be free of the control and wants to experience life a little. And when she does it, you step in, stop it, and tell her what to do.

she's clearly thinking only about what she needs right now. She's not worried about the impact of her words and actions on you.

So you're dealing with a WS who is going through a midlife crisis.

I'm hoping someone smarter than me can give advice on that.


No, it is not unreasonable of you to tell her she can't have closure on her own terms. That's bullshit. But if the counsellor isn't experienced with infidelity, they may say, "what would it hurt?"

But you see, that's wrong, because it extends her relationship with him and gives absolutely no concern for your feelings. everytime she contacts him and tells you that she thinks wistfully about him it's like a knife in your heart.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope not a jerk.

This is sooo typical of the WS. "I need closure, my way" is A speak for I need to contact him again so we can figure out a way to take this thing underground.

About your kids, they know, and it sounds like your wife tipped her hat, prior to you. I wouldn't tell while away, unless one of the kids is really having a tough time dealing with it. In this day and age, most kids know or are friends with someone who's parents are D'd, and because of infidelity. So they may have lots of questions about what's next. I know my kids would (16 & 14). Be honest, and reassure them that it has nothing to do with them. You will both love them no matter what happens between you and your spouse.

I would honestly be very concerned that she is NOT NC w/ her AP. He behavior is not of remorse for what she did, but remorse for being caught at what she was doing. There is a big difference. As you start to feel anger, use this constructively. Get a keylogger on her computer/ipad etc. Find out if she is telling the truth, because believe me, if you don't and she isn't you are allowing yourself lots more hurt/pain/sorrow. If she is not, then it lets you start to rebuild the trust.

(((and strength Cali))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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