can you verify Mr. D is where he should be and not where your WW is? Can you monitor her cell calls and texts?
Someone who is prepared to use her own 6 year old child's name to break NC with her AP - hiding it all from you, is nowhere NEAR remorseful or ready for R yet - and please don't believe her friends know any more of the truth than you do. They ONLY know what she has told them. Liars will lie to anyone.
Please try the 180 calkid it may help you to detach a bit and see more clearly.
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back
She created a new fb account using my 6 year old son's name. This account has no friends, no messages, nothing. It appears, all she was doing was looking at pics.
Pay close attention to her "actions", not her words. Words can lie, but her actions tell you where her heart is at. It sounds to me like she is keeping her options open with respect to the OM. She knows her marriage is hanging by a thread and she may need a place to land.
So sorry for what you are going through.
I want you to know I care about you and your suffering. There is so much information to try to handle. So much is happening and your life has been turned completely upside down. This is still very fresh and raw for you. It is pain that cuts to the core of your soul. I know.
I'm sure it is hard to hear all these responses of more going on than you know and all the other info. You have done very well to work on your life and M as well as share your very raw feelings. It takes some vulnerability share your innermost feelings and hear all the responses. Fortunately you are among friends. People who know the grief and pain and care about you.
Hang on. You are a good man. You can respect yourself for your behavior even though she has misbehaved and betrayed you so badly.
It takes a long time to work things out and heal. Yet I can assure you things will get better for you eventually. Somehow the pain gets less and is not as sharp.
I think it is good you have this time alone. It is hard to maintain that high stress level for too long. This way you can regulate more the amount of emotional effort you put into your wife for a while. It will give you time to step back think and reflect.
I know it does not feel comfortable having to track her behavior, but I think when you are dealing with a liar who is this significant in your life you must do so. You can not afford to not be aware of what she is doing. I firmly believe "Ignorance is not bliss!"
You really do need to know what you are dealing with. If it is bad you need to know. If it is good you can relax some after time.
I recommend signing up for premium access so you can learn more investigative techniques.
Do something just for you now.
Let them ask you questions and be open and honest with them. Take into consideration there ages. You do not have to answer some questions if it is too much info. I think it is better for them to hear this from you rather than someone else.
They will need you especially now to be strong for them. That is tough. Kids that age understand much and they need to be informed with honesty. Ask them what questions they have and what they are thinking. That will help you know more about their needs rather than telling them some things that are not as necessary for them to know.
I admire your clairity of mind, and your ability to express your feelings to your WW, rather than stuffing them down.
Regarding your children: at their age they understand a lot. Don't insult or isolate them by trying to hid your pain, or what is going on. They don't need to know the blow by blow account, but they do need to know that their mom has (hopefully) temporarily lost her mind, is having an affair, and will hopefully come to her senses again and become the mom and wife she was before she went bonkers.
That is the truth, doesn't totally degrade mom in the children's eyes, gives them hope and allows them to work on their own feelings, while watching you work out yours.
If your WW doesn't come out of it the older children will need to talk out their feelings with you or a counselor.
So sorry...I hope she comes back to her senses and hasn't turned into a totally selfish, heartless serial cheater.
You hang in there, take care of yourself and your children.
Also, what's the 180? Where do I find it?
You may also find the following thread useful titled, Understanding the 180:
It's #11 in the FAQs for BSs.
(Grrr...forgive my typos; my Nook makes it hard to edit, which drives me nuts because I'm a writer/editor.)
And it's very tricky. Be kind to yourself as you attempt it. It takes time because it seems counterintuitive.
But give it a fair shake. It helps...it truly does. It gives you the distance to see things more clearly.
As for your kids knowing: I agree, this is amongst the most tragic fallout. But it is a nearly-inevitable natural consequence of infidelity, particularly when remorse isn't immediate. sometimes, when the WS immediately is remorseful, it can be avoided. But in a life fraught with dishonesty, telling kids the truth, though hard, can be positive; it reinforces their trust in you. It teaches them empathy for their struggling mom, and it prevents them from being blindsided if things head south.
You're doing so well. You really are. Millions of hugs and much strength to you. We all do care.
[This message edited by solus sto at 1:15 AM, May 13th (Monday)]
This sucks. Every.single.thing.about.it.
I am so sorry for your pain. And, your wife's sh*tty behavior and SELFISHNESS.
Regarding your kids...
Unfortunately, just as people who have not experienced the pain of infidelity not completely understanding all of the fall out... please understand that your children may not "get" the big deal either.
My 14-yr old son hopped on my laptop (I forgot to logout of SI) and he read my profile.
I was upset for him and wanted to minimize the repercussions for my fWH. But it was completely unnecessary! My DS said "meh, what's the big deal? it was a long time ago. you need to get over yourself."
sigh. While I hope he NEVER experiences the soul-crushing pain of infidelity, I certainly did not expect such an ambivilent response either.
Anyway, just saying, do not expect the kids to feel or react the same as you do... Try to keep them out of on-going drama. But, do be honest with them if they have questions. Expect they can be very conflicted and may fall for your wife's explanations (when she gets back or talks to them.)
THIS ALL JUST SUCKS.
So sorry you are here.
The question you need to ask yourself is not is your wife a bigger fool, but are you going to be her fool?
I know it's sounds corny and not necessarily about infidelity, but really think about what Tom Keifer (of Cinderella) wrote:
I count the falling tears
They fall before my eyes
Seems like a thousand years
Since we broke the ties
I call you on the phone
But never get a rise
So sit there all alone
It's time you realize
I'm not your fool
I'm no fool
Never again, no, no
You take your road, i'll take mine
The paths have both been beaten
Searchin' for a change of pace
Love needs to be sweetened
I scream my heart out, just to make a dime
And with that dime i bought your love
But now i've changed my mind
I'm not your fool
I'm no fool
Never again, no, no
Am I being a jerk here about my wife's feelings about closure?
No. She wants everything tied up with a pretty little bow. Nothing about this is pretty. That she could even say that to you tells me that she is still living in selfish land.
Some WSes do have trouble detaching from the AP. But that is something they should deal with internally. Not something they should tell you about and expect you to understand. And no, they do not get to do anything about it. NC is NC.
and now she has five kids.
so it's like she wants to be free of the control and wants to experience life a little. And when she does it, you step in, stop it, and tell her what to do.
she's clearly thinking only about what she needs right now. She's not worried about the impact of her words and actions on you.
So you're dealing with a WS who is going through a midlife crisis.
I'm hoping someone smarter than me can give advice on that.
No, it is not unreasonable of you to tell her she can't have closure on her own terms. That's bullshit. But if the counsellor isn't experienced with infidelity, they may say, "what would it hurt?"
But you see, that's wrong, because it extends her relationship with him and gives absolutely no concern for your feelings. everytime she contacts him and tells you that she thinks wistfully about him it's like a knife in your heart.
This is sooo typical of the WS. "I need closure, my way" is A speak for I need to contact him again so we can figure out a way to take this thing underground.
About your kids, they know, and it sounds like your wife tipped her hat, prior to you. I wouldn't tell while away, unless one of the kids is really having a tough time dealing with it. In this day and age, most kids know or are friends with someone who's parents are D'd, and because of infidelity. So they may have lots of questions about what's next. I know my kids would (16 & 14). Be honest, and reassure them that it has nothing to do with them. You will both love them no matter what happens between you and your spouse.
I would honestly be very concerned that she is NOT NC w/ her AP. He behavior is not of remorse for what she did, but remorse for being caught at what she was doing. There is a big difference. As you start to feel anger, use this constructively. Get a keylogger on her computer/ipad etc. Find out if she is telling the truth, because believe me, if you don't and she isn't you are allowing yourself lots more hurt/pain/sorrow. If she is not, then it lets you start to rebuild the trust.
(((and strength Cali))))