She agreed to a polygraph today to prove they didnt' have sex.
That is a good first step and I truly hope she follows through with it. Many, many times we have seen instances here of the WS will agree to the poly only to try and get out of it later on. Basically they try to use it as a bluff. "I must be telling the truth because I am willing to take a poly"
I've also got it on good authority from my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) that they didn't.
Curious how your S-I-L would know this. And why she would not tell you (or at the very least your brother) about what your WW did?
You're right, she is a liar and I can't believe that the affair is even over. That may be why she is really so upset about sending the letter cutting it off.
Try not to pay too much attention to her words. Look at her actions. Her actions will tell you what she is really thinking. Not her words. And right now her actions and words are telling you quite different stories.
My situation is similar. High school sweethearts. Onlies. Married 24 years when I found out. I found out because I got HPV. WH said it was a drunken ONS oral. Swore on our children's lives there was no more. Was willing to take a lie detector. 15 months later I found a lot of information including a love letter to a coworker which he tried to pass off as written to me. Ended u there were 5 women over 4 years as well as flirting going back 13 years. I NEVER would have suspected it until the last 4 years. I should have pursued the lie detector. Go through with it. She will likely find excuses to delay it. She will avoid the whole truth.
I am so sorry for what your W is putting you through. They think the marriage will end if they tell us the ugly truth. In reality it's the lying that kills it. You find out you didn't know what the were capable of. That they could look you in the eyes and lie for years. They lie because it benefits them.
My advice is to stop taking care of your WW so much
My WH turned everything into a situation that put the focus on him and his healing. He went to rehab to avoid telling me the truth. I supported him through it. He did not support my healing.
The second "full truth" my WH went away and I talked him through a deep depression and suicide threats over the phone all night. Once again the focus was on him.
Two days later I pointed out these behaviors and told him no more. He could focus where he wanted but I was putting my focus on my healing.
Some important advice:
*Read the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left
*Get tested for a full panel of STDs. Make sure you request herpes as it is not generally done unless there are symptoms. Yes, it is embarrassing but the doctors are really wonderful about it. I was so surprised.
*Take care of yourself. Cut out alcohol for awhile or at least limit it. It does not help and can hurt. Drink water. Try to eat. Try to rest. Get out of the house. Try to keep busy if possible. Down time hurts me. Too much thinking and mind wandering.
Remember, there is someone here who has been through every situation. We are here for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just an ear for listening. You are not alone.
[This message edited by fallingquickly at 7:30 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
"I will not sit around here and be treated like a person who has no rights or a peice of garbage. I'm a person and I deserve to be treated like one." "You can make me bleed Calkid, but you can't drain all the blood from me."
Wow! She sounds real sorry....NOT.
I don't know. Sounds to me like she is still involved with this guy. And I also agree with the others. You haven't heard the whole ugly truth yet.
It might be time for you to pull back. Don't be so eager to want to reconcile (or let her know you do). She needs to worry a little bit about what all she has to lose.
Right now she has you willing to do everything and everything to make the marriage work. And she's got that idiot waiting in the wings. She's driving this thing while you just ride along.
Take her up on the polygraph. But be prepared for more bombs to drop. And have your consequences spelled out before she flunks. More importantly be prepared to follow through on those consequences.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
She also says that her vagina was off limits because it was for me alone
he massaged her vagina through the panties and tights.
Which is it? Or is a massage OK?
I'm sorry- I know you know your wife best but- seems like you're getting bullshit from her.
I think you need to take some control now- tell her what you need- if she wants R let her work at it!!!
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
Hugs and more hugs.
This doesn't bode well.
I know you are hoping for another outcome, but your wife is DEEP in her FOG. If you don't believe in the fog, let's just say then she is NOT remorseful - AT ALL.
"I promised I wouldn't tell" I hit the roof! I yelled, "You promised you'd never cheat!" She shut down. She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement. Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE
Dear lord, this has got to be one of the most f'd up things I've read lately. She really has built up some resentment toward you. My fWH did the same thing. In order to justify his sh*tty behavior, he DEMONIZED me. I don't know if he ever looked back realistically and saw otherwise. I think he may still believe I was so evil I deserved all the pain I got.
I know you want this to work out. I know it hurts. But, until she is owning her stuff and feels some REMORSE, you are spinning your wheels.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS.
Do not let her f*cked up perceptions convince you otherwise.
As others have expressed, you cannot nice / love her back. The only hope you have is play hardball - and pray she will snap out of this self-inflicted coccoon of righteousness.
So very sorry.
She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement.
FWW said this same thing to me almost word for word in the weeks after dday. Six months later when the TT stopped (for the most part) I found out the sex was much more frequent, I found out about stexting, pictures and phone sex.
From what you are posting she is at least hiding more of the truth, and at worst hoping to rugsweep and get back with OM. Ask for the timeline and use the lie detector to confirm. Had I done that I would have saved 3-4 months of anguish.
My XWW did the exact same things. Almost word for word. Don't believe anything she tells you. Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to stand up for it. She's deep in the fog. Don't try to rationalize.
Here's what I learned I should've done. Everyone on here told me to and I didn't listen. I didn't want to listen. Demand immediate NC (send the letter Now!) and full access to phones, whereabouts, etc OR you file for D. It seems counterintuitive but she will respect you for doing so. I believe if I would have done this I may have saved my M. She needs to see you are serious and strong enough to fight for your M. Visit a lawyer and get a business card, even that will get her attention. You don't deserve this. You can only work on the M after she is snapped out of her fantasy. She's trying to have both right now, her fantasy and her M. Make her choose, and the sooner you do the better. It's hard man, I know. I didn't do it. When I finally did it was too late. Strength.
If you couple this with the fact that she has no fear that you will leave, [think of the CS alone!], mainly because you obviously love her totally and completely. Then she has the power in this relationship not you.
You are in serious trouble. She has no remorse and I suspect she intends to cheat again when the opportunity arises. All this because WW has lost all respect for you.
Your problem is how to reestablish your status in the marriage and stop letting your WW take you and the relationship for granted. Toughen up, or be prepared for more misery to come.
Let me put it to you this way.
It's like a movie you have watched. You only need to see it once to know EXACTLY what's happening as it's unfolding. This is really no different.
There is only one script for these things and they all seem to follow it. Your story sounds exactly like my story and the one everyone else here has lived through. IT'S ALL THE SAME.
My wife did EXACTLY the same thing that yours is. EXACTLY.
First it was just friends. Then it was a little more. Then it was a little more.
To her the truth was only what I had separately found out. She admitted NOTHING and is still in denial.
This is what I would do if I had it to do over again.
Contact the OM. Tell him he has 2 hours to send you a detailed timeline on EVERYTHING that happened or you will tell his wife.
If you don't get it, tell his wife immediately. If you get it, send it to her anyway.
You still don't know the truth and she is still in contact with him. I'd bet my next paycheck on that.
Go forward with the polygraph, I think she is bluffing you.
ETA If I had it to do over again I would have filed for divorce. Did I want to work it out? Sure I did but it would have saved me a world of heartache. You can't bring them back around with love. It just ain't gonna happen. This is a wake up call situation.
If I would have served my wife with papers, all her shenanigans would have come to a complete and abrupt halt immediately. But I didn't and it drug on for months.
[This message edited by damaged71 at 9:01 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement
is about the only thing that she has said that you can believe. And she is probably understating (lying about) the degree of "fondness and excitement"
Sorry calkid but read the responses of the other BS's who will see that the things your WW are saying and doing match the behaviors their WS's displayed. You will also see that they are all in agreement in their opinions that she is still lying to you and that she probably had sex with him.
As for this...
but I think its because she hasn't ended things with him or she's afraid I'll find out she did have sex with him
Unfortunately I think you are correct on both counts. She did have sex with him. And the affair continues. My advice is to move forward with the polygraph. She offered so take her up on it. As damaged71 said, call her bluff
Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE
Yes they are like dagger to your soul. And the mind movie just kill you inside. :
His wife lost respect for herself...that is why she cheated.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
She was looking for attention and validation--not sex. And she considered her vagina *yours*.
But the action of the story doesn't really *match up* with what she's saying, right? If she only desired *attention*, she most likely would have engaged in *lead him on*-type of behavior.....NOT kissing, letting him kiss her boobs, or get his mitts on her lady bits.
In your conversations with her, she is dropping *clues* that there is more to the story:
"It was just a little detail" and "it was too much information at once"
She made me promise the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details
Right now, the conversations that you are having with her are wholly unproductive, so you need a new strategy.
I would suggest that you sit her down and tell her that you want a written account of her dealings with OM....to the level of *detail* that YOU desire. Schedule and follow through on a poly. And there is to be NO contact with OM....and you need access to any of the means that she would use if they were to be in contact.
She doesn't get to negotiate this or pout like a child. If she resists, then tell her that *sharing* her is distasteful to you and something that you are unwilling to do.
And then just be civil to her. No more questioning. No more emotional displays in front of her. During this time, your new go-to words for anything that she asks of you are: "I'm not comfortable with that right now."
You've already learned to not make any promises. The situation is way to ephemeral right now for you to be *giving your word* to her about anything. I got stuck in this trap for a long time before I realized what was happening. Sultan would get me to say that I'd work on R if he *did* whatever I was asking.....so I ended up being stuck. I finally learned a different response: "I can't promise to do that, but I CAN promise what will happen if you don't do what I'm asking."
Situations like I'm seeing in your posts can quickly turn into unproductive power struggles that can go on for years. BTDT. Those power struggles are emotionally draining and torturous for a BS.....so try to avoid this.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
She made me promis the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details. She swore she would leave if I did.
Let her go.
Until she changes her attitude she is toxic to you. You aren't going to Nice some sense into your WW.
God, I am angry because this is the same shit my wife tried to pull when she was discovered.
She doesn't want you to talk to the OM most likely because she doesn't want you to find out the truth, or because she is hoping to continue with him (or still is). Both of these are unacceptable.
Other people have given you good advice. Please listen to them. I am only chiming in because this is the same kind of stuff my wife did when she was discovered.
I mean really...she's going to leave you? sorry that's f-d up.
The others are right and you are getting excellent advice. You cannot love her out of this. Actually, the nicer you are at this point, the worst I fear it will be for you.
Please go back and reread this thread from the beginning. It is not a coincidence that the members here knew before you what was going on.
Please protect yourself. This is going to get much worse for you before it gets better.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:11 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
Just one piece of further advice. Now you have demonstrated that you will not allow yourself to treated like a doormat, remain strong. Tell her if she ever pulls this shit again she's in for a world of hurt.
You will not allow your WW to ever treat you with such disrespect again.