More strength to you.
An insulting load of disrespectful crap. How can you tolerate this? Does she place any value on your feelings?
..after hearing what she said, i'd have packed her fucking bag and given her a one way ticket back to that asshole and told her she can have him.. i'd be fucking done!
..she has zero regard for your feelings, zero respect for the marriage and zero intentions of ever letting go of her rainbows and unicorns idea of their little gropefest.
..she sucked him off and swallowed .. and she wants closure?????
..i'm fucking speechless at this point..
My WW finally "came around" when I quit being the doting husband. I told the OMs wife. Things finally went my way when I started caring about me.
My wife and I are putting it back together but I live my life now expecting to get hurt again. She and I both know this though, if she flinches she will be single. No questions asked no apologies accepted.
As far as how long the hurt goes on, its for a while sorry. I found myself ok for a while and then I'd have to blow off some anger. If you don't exercise now, start. It gets rid of that tightness you describe better than anything.
The bumps on the rollercoaster will get further apart as time goes on. You are in for a hard road. You will be happy again.
I was a paratrooper, am a veteran and have lost a parent. The affair was the worst thing I have been through by a factor 10 easily. I got through it and you will to.
This morning I realized that yesterday was the first day I didn't think about what happened at least once. It'll be a year next month.
She made me promis the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details. She swore she would leave if I did. So, I promised. Now, I have his home and cell numbers and he's actually one of my "friends" on facebook. Should I go back on my promise and just contact him anyway? She swears she doesn't want to send the cancellation letter because she doesn't want anymore shame but I think its because she hasn't ended things with him or she's afraid I'll find out she did have sex with him. I was asking her what all her apprehentions were about sending the letter in the car last night and she actually said, "I promised I wouldn't tell" I hit the roof! I yelled, "You promised you'd never cheat!" She shut down. She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement. Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE
2x4 here partner. HELLO!! Wake up! Tell her you'll quit bringing it up just as soon as she rewinds life to before she let another dude feel her up AT MINIMUM!!
She's LYING. She hasn't broken it off. She's manipulating you and you're falling for the playbook hook, line, and sinker. (NEED FOR SARCASM FONT HERE)It's all your fault, you know. OK, So I cheated but it's hard on our marriage that you won't forgive me.
Hard 180. Hard Hard Hard 180.
She needs counseling to figure out why she gave herself permission to do this. How to make herself happy, and not look to someone else to do. She needs to learn that her happiness is her own responsibility.
Right now, think of her as a druggie in withdrawal. She'll want to go back to OM for a hit of those feelings of desirability. The longer she is NC with him, the more those feelings will fade.
Hang in there.
You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will. This will all happen again, I guarantee it.
Excuse my language, but fuck that bitch, dude. What a load of blameshifting bullshit
Status: Divorced and relieved
It's like being stabbed in the heart by inches. In one inch, pull the knife back, in two inches, pull the knife back...
For us here at SI, from the outside looking, it's like watching a rerun of an old classic drama. We know exactly what's happening, but the character's just keep with the script.
Try this. Tell her you know. Be calm and emphatic. Tell her you know they had sex and just tell you how it happened.
Every time she tryings to deny or explain, just keep repeating in a calm voice, "I know, just explain how it happened."
It's hard to do. You may have to keep it up for a few days, but it has worked.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:48 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
I could have, and did write everything that you just have almost verbatim.
My wife was simply the warmest and most caring person that I had ever met. One day the "wheels just fell off". She was broken and didn't know what to do. Unfortunately she didn't see me as the person that could fix everything and strayed.
She had the same problem, it was the whole unfulfilled thing. She is a SAHM and hasn't worked in years by her choice and felt like her life had no meaning and so on. In other words she was having a mid-life crisis. In her words "she wanted something of her own". I totally didn't get it.
I also told her that if she wanted to leave I would support her until she got on her feet and after if that's what she needed. Nothing helped.
Finally I said "here is my minimum performance standard". These are my hard and fast rules. If you violate them you are choosing to be single. My wife then replied "you want a divorce"? I told her "no, but I will if you don't choose to follow the rules I have laid down". That seemed to straighten everything out and take some of the uncertainty out of my life.
Right now you probably feel like you have zero control over your destiny. That's a scary thing. Figure out what you are and aren't willing to accept and mull it over for a few days. Once you have settled on the the things that you are not willing to accept write them down. Give them to her and tell her if you do these things you are choosing to be single.
When I did this my wife said "you are being mean to me, you are bullying me....". I told her I am only asking to be treated with the same kind of respect that I have treated you with before, during and after your transgressions. If you can't provide me with the same respect and thoughtfulness I don't want you as a partner. I reiterated that I didn't want anyone else, I just didn't want to be in a relationship like that.
I didn't argue, I was kind but firm.
You are in for a long hard road and I assure you, it will be a while before your wife figures out what kind of damage she has caused. She will be wholly unsympathetic to your feelings. Right now it's all about her.
Also, sometimes you have to play it a bit "soft". She is in the "fog" and really isn't herself. Imagine a drug addict. It's really no different. On the surface they know it's wrong but will continue to do it. Only when the consequences become to great do they stop.
You pulled her onto your lap and told her how *you* feel...she just nodded along and went to sleep.
She told you how she feels..this is all your fault..she will cheat again.
And the fondness and excitement she has for this affair is beyond disgusting.
You shouldn't have pulled her onto your lap..you should have packed her fucking bags and told her to get out..
Yes..her golden vagina..it's all yours...well now..dont you feel special?? He got to "kiss her titties" and "massage her vagina" yet she didn't let him stick his dick in her because *that* is all yours. BULLSHIT. She is lying. She fucked him. You know she did.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You are doing great, and are fortunate to have found SI so quickly. I was numb for about 2 months after dday, I remember little to nothing of that time.
You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will.
So this is something my FWW would have said after dday. Your WW is not happy, and it is all your fault because you did not "fill her heart" and if you do not make and keep her happy she will have another A. Her A was about her. Her not being able to find happiness in her life and looking for OM to make her happy. This is exactly the sort of thing she needs to work through with an IC. FWW would sit in MC sessions after dday and say it was my fault that she was unhappy. MC (later her IC) consistently called her out on this. FWW still struggles with finding her happiness, but she no longer looks to me for her fulfillment. Anything I and the M do to bring happiness into her life is gravy. She is responsible for her own happiness, just as we all are.
Finally, I had to go into the conf. room and just let it out.
I went back to bicycle riding after dday. Many miles I pumped as hard as I could screaming as the gravel trucks and cars went by. Exercise is good after dday to work off stress.
... but she seems to think there is justification at some point for stepping out.
Yep, FWW felt she was entitled to a "fling" because she was unhappy. She thought that her DDs would be proud of her for taking action and was shocked when they were not.
Try to have fewer conversations over the phone or via text and email. These are difficult conversations, and I found face to face worked the best.
She's a different person.
I remember that. I would stare at FWW for minutes trying to "see" who she was. She was not my wife. I did not know this person. Sadly, this was my wife.
Eat regularly, something, and drink water to keep fluids up. Alcohol should be avoided, seriously, until you get your emotions better under control. Have a discussion with an attorney just to know what your rights and responsibilities are.
Link above is to a great post to read as you think about your path forward.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:07 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]
Fuck this shit. Believe it or not this is textbook behavior, and it's unacceptable.
"She gaurantees she is gonna have another affair?" Nice...real nice. "She has a hole in her heart if you don't fill it up, someone else will?"
Ummmm, blameshift much? She is doing everything she can to minimize this and to make it your fault.
And damnit man..you are enabling her. From reading your posts, you blame the OM more than her. News flash...the other man wasn't married to you, she was. He didn't break his vows to you, she did. Sorry, but your wife is the adulterer here, not him. He's just an ass. But why do you think he is to blame and not your wife?
I see you taking a lot of blame for this. If you had texted more, or done more, this wouldn't have happened. Yes it would have. This shit has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. She made a choice based on her own brokeness and selfishness. And when she made it, she didn't give a shit about you or your family. Do you really believe that if you had texted her more than she wouldn't have cheated? That's fantasy.
Trust me, my wife did the same shit to me. Told me that "I could never make her feel as special as he did" Told me that I hadn't been loving enough or attentive enough and that's why she cheated. I call bullshit on that. I was a good husband, she had to rewrite the history of our marriage so she couldn justify the lies, deciet, and utter disregard for her family. I mean, c'mon, my wife was acting like a whore, screwing some dude in family car in an airport terminal.
This is not rational behavior.
Your wife is not demonstrating rational behavior. She is lying. She is blameshifting. She is rugsweeping. This shit will never get better until you take control over the only thing you can control. YOU.
Get off the crazy bus. Read up on the 180.
On the compassionate side. the pain does lessen. It's the worst thing to have to go through. And all our hearts go out to you. Breathe, eat, sleep. Do what you can...it will eventually subside..but it takes a long time. I shook for months.
Plus if it gives you any sense of hope..my wife was a terrible liar and blameshifter. But after she pulled her head out, she has gone to IC and done a ton of work. And now I am proud to call her my wife (again). So there is hope. Just not down the road that you are currently on.
Dang Confused - That is a bit rough. I get where you are coming from, but I think Cali is in such pain and at such a loss and in shock still.
Cali - You need to take a step back and look at this as an outsider to help you gain perspective. If your brothers wife, or a best friends wife was doing this what would you say to them about it? Why would your situation be different?
She is clearly manipulating you into believing that what she did was OK because you weren't fufilling her. Sorry this is not the case. If she was feeling unfufilled she needed to address that with you not act out.
Please read the 180, and then read it again, then read it one more time. Implement it. Care for yourself first and foremost. This not to make her tell the truth, or defog. This to help you stay sane right now.
Yes the pain is overwhelming. You need to get to your Dr ASAP and get 2 things 1. Drugs to take the edge off so you can function, this is usually an antianxiety med of some sort.
2. Get tested for STD's.
I know you really don't want to believe she had intercourse, but I am guessing she has, and probably more than one time. Yuck I know.
You need to stop reassuring her, and tell her what she needs to do to make this right, and tell her if you hear her pining over this Ahole one more time you are done. (It may take you some time to find the strength to do this, but until she is knocked out of the fog, she is going to continue what she is doing, there is nothing go on to deter this behavior on her part).
Sending you much strength
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