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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: unreasonable request?
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As part of his desire to prove transparency, WH gave me the password to his work email so I can access it from home. It's a little overwhelming - he manages several large corporate accounts from all over the world and receives hundreds of emails a day. Usually I just scroll through looking for OW emails and read those to make sure they're 100% work-related (they all have been since dday). Today though one caught my eye from another woman, obviously coming into the city this week to do business with the company. She suggested grabbing a quick lunch after their meeting. WH agreed.

Their exchange was entirely casual, and the rational side of my brain knows that he probably has about as much interest in this woman as he does the pile of rocks next to our garage. She's a business connection, nothing more, and the "old" me wouldn't think twice about him grabbing lunch with her.

But the emotional side of me feels like I tolerate a lot while he works with OW2 (he IS looking - please don't give me grief about why I put up with him working with an AP. I understand that some contact at work is unavoidable, but I drew the line at any casual socialization. I extended that to say that I didn't see a reason for him to be having lunches with ANY female coworkers.

I called WH to say I wasn't comfortable with this lunch date, and he said the only reason he made the date is because she is NOT a coworker, she doesn't even live/work in this country. He cited everything I needed to hear to demonstrate his lack of interest in her, including the idea that he really only agreed out of professional courtesy and habit - he didn't think about how I would feel, and he apologized. He ended with the idea that he will cancel the lunch. I felt immediately better AND worse... I told him I now felt terrible/guilty about making him cancel a business lunch. WH said he didn't want me to feel bad at all - HE did this to us and he didn't want me to worry about it for even another minute. He said he "gets" what I'm saying and see that there really is no need for him to have lunch with this woman and will break the appointment. He repeated that it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel bad.

Am I as crazy as I feel right now? Am I interfering with his ability to be good at his job? I'll be honest- the "rational" side of me knows this woman is irrelevant. Lunch would be harmless. And if I'm being further honest, I'll admit that part of me feels like he just shouldn't get to have lunch with ANY women, period. Like I'm a parent punishing a wayward child. You lost the privilege of being professionally courteous to female coworkers, remember? Is my line in the sand unreasonable... I don't want to parent him, I just want to help him sort out boundaries!

I hate this.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
healingk
♀ Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your right on the money! Your WH gave up the right for the blind trust when he made the choice to have an A. So I say No No No!


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
LovingFool
♀ New Member
Member # 39090
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your request is reasonable. If the lunch date was strictly business and the ONLY opportunity to work out a business deal, then that may have been acceptable.

The fact that your WH is being transparent, very willing to see your side, AND cancel the lunch date says a lot about his eagerness to work on your marriage.

Hang in there. I completely get the roller coaster and I hate the fact that I am always wondering and doubting everyone my WH does and says. But I have to have some sort of faith and trust a tiny bit if I want to work on marriage.

Good luck. And keep the communication open with your WH about your feelings - he seems like he really wants to move past his transgressions and travel down the road of R.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married almost 15 years
Kids- 5
D-day - March 2013 and trickle truth for a few weeks after
Currently in R - I hope

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't affect his business life if he politely constructs a reason that he is unable to attend.
I'd feel the same way.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could another MALE coworker join them for this business lunch? That might be my compromise in this situation if all signs pointed to this being a business lunch.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6544 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, please be easy on yourself.

You are doing what any Betrayed spouse with strength would do. It took me a long time to get to the point to even be brave enough to say this. I was fortunate like you though, when I did I got the same type of response.

Your are fortunate, in that he Gets IT!!!! You should not feel guilty, continually finding nothing, and him doing the right things for a period of time will help rebuild trust. When this happens then you will feel comfortable about him going to lunch with a woman, when it is work related. He will also probably get that he should not put himself in that situation again, and make sure that another man, or woman from work goes with them.

Be relieved. He did the right thing. You do not need to feel guilty about this for one second.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't affect his business life if he politely constructs a reason that he is unable to attend
.

^^Exactly. There is absolutely no reason for your husband to be out with a woman one-on-one.

You've had several D-days. I'd stipulate this as one of the boundaries. Not really difficult to follow and should be welcomed if your WH is truly doing everything to make you feel safe.


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote for lucky2haveme's response. Have a third party present. It will help you feel more confident about the lunch and allows him to conduct business lunches without hurting his employment.

FYI. He sounds like he really wants this marriage. I hope your heart feels full with how he handled your trigger.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Keep that line in the sand you wont regret it for a minute and your husband should be glad that he has a way to prove to you that he is also committed to R.

I know exactly how you feel my Hs affair was with his secretary I had access to his work email too. Every day multiple times a day, Id scan his email looking for her name or even anything work related that she might be involved in. By the way be sure to check his deleted / deleted folder (a place deleted items go to before they are permanently deleted).

If I saw something I was uncomfortable with I didnt hesitate to tell him but I hear what youre saying Id feel guilty too that I was making his work-life difficult but after a few broken NC I got over that real fast! Dont back down and dont hesitate to ask him to do things to make you feel safe and comfortable.

And I understand what youre saying about his finding another job my H finally did get another, better paying and more satisfying job but high level jobs are not easy to come by (it took almost 2 years) and its a fact of life he has to have a job. So I also told myself that in a sense the harder it was for him to go there every day and his having to live with me stressing, questioning and watching emails and phone calls every day the harder hed look for another job. I never backed down about their work-related communication and I also never *really* relaxed until he finally left. Even now that he has left there I still occasionally look at his new-job emails.

Good luck- and stay strong and stand up for what YOU need.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all SO much. I feel so foolish - this is the second morning in a row I've looked at his emails and freaked out about a lunch date. To be fair, the other lunch meeting involved clients and team members that INCLUDED OW. I told WH I didn't really care if it was in the middle of the day with a hundred other people sitting around the table. I know things are horribly awkward between them at work and they would only be "pretending" to get along socially for the sake of the client relationship... but I wasn't comfortable even with pretending. As she is his inferior in the workplace, I saw no reason for her to be present.

WH said that this account is in the process of being transferred and that he's really only there as the leadership in charge of passing it along. He does need to go to the meeting, but agreed that lunch was probably too much and he would make his excuses.

I just feel so low. He's working so hard and doing all the right things to help me/help us work through this. Do I really want him to be chained to his desk in his office in that beehive of of a skyrise all day? I used to like the idea that he would get out for lunches - I think the walk and freshair is good.

Now I just feel like a jailer.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe me I know I know. What finally got me past those feelings is this ok, sure you dont want to feel like his jailer fine, so are you prepared to be ok with the meeting and lunches? Take your pick.

The thing is you cant have it both ways. You just cant. Once I realized that I stopped waffling back and forth or feeling badly about anything. How YOU feel is important dont forget that.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what might be bothering you is that he got himself in this situation, agreeing to these lunches, instead of showing you that he is not afraid or ready to say "no" on his own. Once he declines after the fact, it looks like you are the bad guy when all along if he really understood the boundaries of your R, he would have declined in the beginning. Maybe he is a conflict avoider or someone who needs everyone to like him so saying no appears rude to him. This may not be the case, but perhaps he needs to work on those issues if true.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called WH to say I wasn't comfortable with this lunch date, and he said the only reason he made the date is because she is NOT a coworker, she doesn't even live/work in this country. He cited everything I needed to hear to demonstrate his lack of interest in her, including the idea that he really only agreed out of professional courtesy and habit - he didn't think about how I would feel, and he apologized. He ended with the idea that he will cancel the lunch. I felt immediately better AND worse... I told him I now felt terrible/guilty about making him cancel a business lunch. WH said he didn't want me to feel bad at all - HE did this to us and he didn't want me to worry about it for even another minute. He said he "gets" what I'm saying and see that there really is no need for him to have lunch with this woman and will break the appointment. He repeated that it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel bad.


You shouldn't feel like a jailor, you guys talked calmly and rationally and came to a reasonable conclusion where both of you understood where the other is at and why, and everyone is concerned about everyone else's feelings and wants to do right by the other.

That sounds like a win IMO.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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