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Hi SI family, it's been a long time! I've been doing well, staying busy and enjoying a lot of much-needed self-growth. After a bit of a struggle, I went NC for about 5 months or so. I continued my IC and had a lot of great support from friends. It got much, much easier to see him for who he is/was and not reach out to him anymore.

Then, I heard a lecture in class about survivors of sexual assault confronting their attackers and how the confrontation should only be encouraged if it's about the survivor's healing, and that the survivor should be fully aware that his/her healing is separate from how the attacker responds.

That got me thinking about X. He was so abusive...emotionally and once each physically and sexually. I'm almost positive he cheated way more times with way more women than he admitted to. He attacked my integrity, my physical and emotional health, he attacked my life, and I've been slowing putting myself back together.

I decided I was done being resentful, not because he didn't deserve it, but because I don't deserve to hold on to the anger and bitterness anymore. I want to give forgiveness for myself in hopes of letting loose some of the feelings that stay trapped inside and keep rearing their ugly heads in the middle of the night. I want him to know that he didn't break me and that I'm doing really well for myself because I was strong enough to fix what he broke. Also, I was embarassed about the way I acted in our marriage and I wanted to show him that I knew what I had done wrong and wasn't acting like that anymore.

I decided to send him an email about forgivess. I made myself give it plenty of time, I wrote a few different versions and let the final one rest for a while before I actually sent it. My email is below and his response is after that. True to my name, I now have mixed emotions. I thought I meant everything I said in my email, but now I'm feeling less free and more angry. I want him to be suffering, I don't want life to be so good to him right now, that doesn't feel fair. And I want to say, "Since business is booming, then how's about all those thousands of dollars you owe me, huh?! Perhaps you could even slip me your half of the divorce fees!"

I'm not very disappointed in myself because I did what I thought was the right thing at the time and I'm happy with the amount of time I gave myself to be sure I wanted to send it. I'm just disappointed in how I'm feeling now. I wish I felt more free and not still so angry. Here are the emails:

I’ve given this a lot of thought and decided I want to say this to you.

I forgive you. I know this isn’t what you wanted for yourself or for anyone else you hurt.

I understand that I had a role in how things went. I treated you badly and I was so wrong for how I handled our issues. I am so sorry for how I used to talk to you and so embarrassed that I lied about our marriage. I wish I had been strong enough to make better decisions back then. I wish I had been more honest with myself about what I wanted and not hid from any truths or consequences.

I think all of this had to be what it was, because now I feel incredible. Every day I wake up happy to be alive. I feel strong and beautiful and balanced. I know when to stand up for the important things and when to let the little things go. I have better relationships with friends and family and I've gotten really good at being direct about my feelings, even with my mom and (Dad's nickname) : )

I’m happy no matter what’s going on around me. I have so much energy to take care of myself, to relax and be silly and enjoy life. It’s also started to come naturally to be brave and calmly face anyone or any situation that used to intimidate me. I respect myself and I do not let anyone disrespect me.

I’ve become the exact woman I want to be and it has to be because of what I went through, since I was way off course before. Thank you for giving me the push I needed to take a good look at what I was doing wrong. I feel so good and so thankful to be headed in the direction I’m going.

You didn’t take anything away from me. What I went through with you made me better. I put myself back together into the woman I am proud to be.

I hope you’re doing well too. I still miss you sometimes but I do know it’s for the best that we’re apart. Some advice that really resonated with me is that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be married to them. I think that makes sense for us. I love you and I’m thankful that you changed my life for the better.

Love, your now even tinier ex-wife, The other half of (our nickname for ourselves), may it rest in peace.

And his response:

I am so glad to hear that your life has become exactly what you've always wanted it to be and that you transformed into the woman you envisioned yourself to be! You deserve to be happy and I'm happy to hear that you are. I've given what we went through a lot of thought the last few months and I agree, I love you more than I will ever love another woman, but that doesn't mean we should be married. I've learned how to be honest about my feelings and be truthful about what I want, without hurting those around me. Life is good, my family is still nuts, but hey what can a guy do about that:-) I miss you everyday and feel so embarrassed/ashamed of the way I treated you. Thank you so much for having the kindness to forgive me, this will help me in more ways than you know. Sorry for getting back to you so late, but I've been working like crazy, doing construction again, and I finally work for myself so it's really busy. Take care (nickname), you're one special tiny lady:-)

((mixed))

Sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for, looking back on it now do you still think it was worth breaking NC? It sounds like you still carry some weight from his betrayal and maybe your "forgiveness", while admirable, is too early to be complete. Think of how good you were doing on your own, how much NC had helped you in your recovery. Keep it up and don't look back.

Ask yourself the real reasons why you wanted to write him a letter..

Were you looking for closure?

Were you secretly hoping he was miserable and fishing for a story?

Did you want to show him how much you've recovered since going NC? Maybe rub it in his face?

Do you really think that this man deserves any more of your time or emotion?

Try not to beat yourself up over this, we all slip up sooner or later. You sound like you've come a long way since you left WH, your words carry strength and conviction. Don't let this derail you, keep on your journey of healing and self-improvement.

Leave WH in the dust.

~Larry

This is what I always believe about contacting the OP.

Maybe part of why this didn't turn out the way you hoped was you did have expectations.

You opened with sharing your faults. He ignored that then glossed over what he did.

Maybe you can use this to examine what you expected, what hurts about this. It's an opportunity to deal with those issues.

Thanks Holly and Larry, you both nailed it, your posts helped a lot and led to some really important reflections for me. Thank you!

I just want to say that I was feeling very proud of you as I read this. You did what you felt was right. I can only imagine the butterflies in the belly after you hit send...

I found your email very heart felt and sincere. Where as his just... rang false. I can't put my finger on exactly why... it sounded insincere.

Almost like he just repeated back to you, the good stuff you wrote, with no (genuine) regret, or acknowledgement of his flaws.

Anyway I applaud your bravery, and wish you well as you continue healing!

[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:41 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

While I was reading his response, the only thing I could think of was "bullshit".

Like safeguard, I can't exactly pin point why. Maybe because he wrote it like a Hallmark card response. Or like the ending of a Lifetime movie, it just seemed like a prepared script of what the writer decided he *should* feel about everything but without the actual feelings being involved.

I think most people know when an apology is sincere and it's normal to feel angry and disappointed when you *know* that it doesn't feel real and there is probably a good reason for that.

But I think that it's great that you wrote that letter to say what YOU wanted to say and you should totally ignore the response and concentrate on what you have overcome on your own, without that cheater weighing you down like an anchor. I'm looking forward to the day when I've come so far.

I see his response as fake because he "parroted" back what you said to him only changed a few words. It feels like in the first two lines he is taking credit for the woman you have become because if he hadn't been a cheating WH then you could never have become such a secure and wonderful person!! Don't you feel beholden to him for his unselfishness that allowed you to seek insight into how bad you were and to grow from it!?

What a load of crap. He has learned how to express his needs and wants...seriously? Didn't he do just that when he cheated? He is so full of himself that he can't learn anything cause he knows it all!

Please see this for what it is, a stinking pile of poo! You do not need to feel bad or depressed, you have grown and made positive changes to be a stronger happier woman and that is fantastic. You made those changes for you, not him. Don't give him any credit and do not take any blame for his destroying the marriage. Put him in your rearview mirror and then break off the mirror and toss it in the garbage.

Edited to fix stupid auto correct.

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 2:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]