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This is what my doosh xwh told our 10 year old son when he told him "OW ruined my life". Xwh reponse was "why do you hate her, she has done nothing to you"

I recently took DS 10 to see his psychologist as he isn't coping very well at the moment, he desperately wants his 'old' life and to desperately spend time one on one with his father who refuses to do this as in unicorn rainbow land him and the OW are joined at the hip. He is also fixated on the fact that Dad has promised to take him to a football match for the last 4 years and he still hasn't although he takes OW to plenty of matches. So I let him know via email what the psych suggested to mend his relationship with DS, his response : "this is getting really old, he needs to get over it"

So another father of year award goes to my xwh.

Stealing someone else's line I am really co-parenting with a muppet!

FTG!

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 5:23 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

FTG indeed, and I'll add FTB as mother of the year to show you the female analog exists too. My STBXWW told my 17 y/o DD concerning her A:

"I don't see why this affects you so much."

I'll never forget the lost, confused, and utter shock in DD face, she collapsed crying, and immediate counseling was needed. Way to go monster; not only do you destroy a child at such a difficult time when she needs a "good" mum the most to guide her on becoming a women, you minimize, and treat her pain like it is nothing.

She saved the "you need to grow up and get over it" bit (verbatim) for me. I'm sorry you have to go through this crap, and it seems the Muppets are a world-wide scourge. F them both, F them all.

Fuck.Them.All.

Whenever my sweet, sensitive 5 year old expresses emotion monsters first reaction is to accuse/blame me - not to console or reassure her, zero SHOWING her she is important to him, just blame.

She told me he said that I was telling her to say mean things about him and OWUmpteen. I asked her if that was true and she said no. I told her that she knows what is true because she was here. He doesn't know because he wasn't here.

She seems to like OW the same way she likes everyone else. She is a kid. It doesn't mean she is happy about her imposing in on her time with him all the time.

So what do you do when your 5 year old tells you she wants to spend time with just you? You tell her her mother is rude.

Yeah, that'll reassure her.

I can't believe I bred with this muppet.

Fuck.Them.All.

Think I am going to find the muppets closing song and make it his ring tone on my phone lol

I will be the voice of dissention here. He may have a point. OW did not do anything to your DS. The poor child's father did !!!! OW could have been anyone. Next time he pull's that excuse tell him exactly who is the one who did this.

Think I am going to find the Muppet closing song and make it his ringtone on my phone.

I like it and may do the same!

My DD16 knows what POS has done, but I still did the obligatory, "regardless of what your dad has done to me, he loves you and I encourage you to have a relationship with him." Her response, "Yeah, whatever {eye roll}!" So I tried and the rest is up to him (they haven't spoken in over a month). No one can force a kid how to think...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 6:59 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

I am with stronger08. Tell your DS the next time your father says that, say "oh, that is right. I am sorry. You did this to me." I would love to be a fly on the wall then.

It seems the WSs have the same playbook. Always not their fault, and everyone else needs to get over it.

Bluebird, keep it up. YOU are his sanctuary. That is an awesome place to be. It sucks because you see all the pain with it, but the children will remember who was there, and someday, with will get the best of your children. Their love, devotion, their heart. While your XH will get what is left over, just like what he is doing to his son now.

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

[This message edited by Linus1968 at 6:58 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

My STBX said that to ME once! I was telling him that she was NOT my friend (because friends don't have affairs with your husband, last time I checked) and he, always the denier, said, "Why? What did she ever do to you?" AYFKM? Whatever. It's not that I blame her for his choices. If it hadn't been her, it would've been someone else. This is what he does when the opportunity presents itself. It's just that a friend wouldn't fuck my husband. Period.

OMG! Just like Coraline, my STBXH told me that I would "really like OW, if I just gave her a chance". AYFKM?

My 5 yo dd has not met OW yet as she lives out of state, however XH is planning to move her here ASAP. He is full of delusion thinking that my dd will fall madly in love with her and they will live happily ever after. I know the truth in that my dd will not be happy when she realizes she's been replaced by OW. She has always been a daddy's girl. She still asks all the time why we can't still be a family and all live together. STBXH doesn't see how this might make accepting OW difficult for her.

Bluebird - I'm so sorry for your son. These WS just don't get it!

They deserve each other.

And (((Bluebird and DS10))).

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:54 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

IMO having an affair and breaking up a family is a direct assault on any member of the family not a member of the affair couple. The cheating spouse AND the affair partner have an equal share in the damage done not just to the betrayed spouse, but to the children as well. Any parent who claims their cheating ways did not affect their children is a complete moron.

Affair parters do no deserve ANY respect from the children whose lives they helped destroy, not until they do the work to earn that respect. And any parent who shoves their AP down their kids throat, IMO, deserves to lose custody, Because clearly they are not capable of the whole "best interest of the child" concept.

Parents who tell their kids that their feelings are wrong or bad, when in reality their kids feelings are just inconvenient, are doing their kids a HUGE disservice that will affect their kids well into adulthood.

I wish when their brains stopped working their mouths did too.

So glad that you are taking DS10 to see a psychologist!

Actually, XWH AND OW knowingly and willingly destroyed life as your son knew it.

I have come to the conclusion that our WS's will never "get it". EVER. So don't waste your breath trying to get your WS to understand the situation from your son's point of view. Focus your attention on your son ~ processing his feelings, coping skills, empathetic listening, etc.

Sending you and your son hugs and support!! I'm sorry we ALL have to deal with muppets.

My 13 year old DS confronted the OW about this...

her answer? " I was not the reason your family broke up. Your father had 10-20 other women before me..while married to your mother...I deleted his number from my cell phone."

DS response (loudly and with disgust) "You knew he was married and he had small children...YOU should never have had his phone number in your phone to have to delete!! "

Then he looked her in the eye and said "oh, and thanks for giving me another reason to hate my dad even more" (refering to the details of the number of A's his dad had on his mom)

Lastly he told her that he would never respect her or like her.

Our children will form their own opinions and are entitled to their feelings.

My WH has similar reactions when I try and address with him the issues our DD12 is having. Minimizes it to the extreme and actually called himself her 'scapegoat' at one point!

I think they just don't want to face the consequences of their actions. They have to turn a blind eye to the destruction they've caused in their children's lives, because they can't handle the guilt.

Sad and narciccistic, to be sure.

Of course she did nothing to the family, he plan included no one but herself. She want him and be damned who it affected. If these bottom feeders did the right thing, there would be no infidelity. If women stood by each other and refused to let men wander, no infidelity, if men stood shoulder to shoulder against women who would destroy their kids and wife, there wouldn't be any infidelity. 10 commandments cover stealing, coverting, cheating, lying, etc. Even if you don't believe in God, you should live by these rules just to be a decent human being.

But since these people don't get it, guess the after life for them will be a little toasty.

Who knew there were so many "lower muppets" walking the Earth.

It's gotten to the point where my DS knows that he's wasting his breath telling his father anything and saves ALL conversations about feelings for me and his counselor. He has asked me repeatedly why daddy "doesn't understand". It breaks my heart that an 8 year old has to learn in this manner that his dad is NOT the great guy he wants the world to believe he is. None of our children know the details of what happened but they are already forming their own opinions and figuring out that their father can't show empathy. EVERY time I *try* to talk about the kids and what they say they are feeling, he gets defensive and then turns the conversation into a pity party for himself.

I'm done trying and the kids are already giving up on expecting anything more than a guy who comes around, takes them out, asks random questions and then goes about his life. I imagine it would be much worse if OW hadn't disappeared. Right now STBXWH seems to be motivated by loneliness to spend time consistently with the kids. He is all about himself (he has just about every marker for being a narc) so I'm already anticipating that his motivation will wane as time goes on and he finds someone/something else to fill the void.

The issue isn't whether it not the AP is to blame.

Lots of kids resent their parents dating. Lots of kids hate or dislike their parents girlfriend/boyfriend. I know I did - every single one of them.

When you add the complexity of infidelity then the child has even more reason to resent that person - not to mention the fact that this new person is imposed on them very soon after S/D. A time that already has a lot of change and adjustment.

The point here is you have a child expressing himself and rather than try to understand or reassure him his feelings are being invalidated. This makes him feel like he is invalidated.

I hate it that OW is a part of my girls lives. But what I hate more is the thought of them feeling guilt in terms of my feelings around this.

They know I don't like monster or OWUmpteen. I was honest when asked directly. But I also tell them that as long as everybody is nice to everybody then it doesn't make a difference whether I like them or not.

I don't want my girls to hate monster or OWUmpteen. I also don't want monster or her to mistreat them. So them liking them is the lesser evil here.

I would hate for them forced to like or interact with ANYONE - OW or not.

There are waysto deal with this stuff sensitively and sensibly. Telling them their feelings are wrong either in word or deed whether they loathe or like the OPs is damaging IMO.

They don't get to choose who their parents bring into their lives. I get that.

I just wish they could give our kids time to adjust to this first tranche of change before imposing a whole new bunch on them.

I also wish my girls didn't have an emotionally fucked up father. I wish he was capable of making good decisions. Unless/until he does I will have to continue to help them navigate through this shit. I'll do so with love, reassurance, empathy and support.

IMO having an affair and breaking up a family is a direct assault on any member of the family not a member of the affair couple. The cheating spouse AND the affair partner have an equal share in the damage done not just to the betrayed spouse, but to the children as well. Any parent who claims their cheating ways did not affect their children is a complete moron.

Affair parters do no deserve ANY respect from the children whose lives they helped destroy, not until they do the work to earn that respect. And any parent who shoves their AP down their kids throat, IMO, deserves to lose custody, Because clearly they are not capable of the whole "best interest of the child" concept.

Parents who tell their kids that their feelings are wrong or bad, when in reality their kids feelings are just inconvenient, are doing their kids a HUGE disservice that will affect their kids well into adulthood

ITA

To my 10 year old who is also an Aspie only sees in black & white, he doesn't understand emotions/feelings very well to him it is clearly the OW fault, Daddy introduced his 'new friend' before we even separated. I have told him numerous times both Daddy & OW have made poor choices that hurt people (she was cheating on her husband & 3 kids too) and that one day when he is all grown up he will understand better for now though that is all he needs to know. He has already worked out though he can't believe a thing out of his fathers mouth as it lie after lie that comes out and he keeps getting caught out in those.

So whatever relationship he has with his kids is his responsibility all I can do is support my kids through this situation and hopefully I can raise them to be well rounded self sufficient adults.