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Those of you who have small children and who have, unfortunately, been through this, how did you help your children cope?

I have a three year old daughter who looks at her daddy as her Prince. She calls him her prince, and her eyes just light up when she sees her daddy. She is going to be devastated when Daddy is no longer coming home. She will be angry with me. She witnessed an argument between us the other night (not my doing, he just started yelling at me in front of her, and I stayed quite to avoid a scene in front of her), and she immediately took her daddy’s side. Said she was going to return me to the store and get a new mommy because mommy doesn’t like daddy’s friends (he wanted to leave again to hang out with “friends” for like, the 4th time that week. He usually stayed gone 3-4 hours a night, and I told him that I did not want him to go, that he has a family, and he started yelling at me).

My little girl is my everything. She loves her daddy more than she loves me it seems I don’t know how to handle her heartbreak. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated…

My kids were older when all this happened, but I know many here swear by play therapy for their little ones.

Just keep loving her. I know, this all sucks.

(((hugs)))

She's a very perceptive 3 year old. It seems like she loves her dad more because that is the relationship she is more insecure with. I won't lie to you, you are about to hit a very rough patch with her. Don't take anything that comes out of her itty-bitty mouth personally...it's hard for 3 year olds to cope with the stress of parental abandonment. I know, my teslet had just turned 3 when d-day hit and his dad left.

I found a play therapist for him. He was throwing weird tantrums and I didn't know what was normal and what was fallout from the D process (and his dad exposing him to the 20 year old pregnant stripper whore). She has been a tremendous help teaching Teslet how to recognize and articulate his feelings. She gave me several excellent parenting techniques. And she helped me take some of the visitation things in stride...showed me even though I was irritated with what was going on that Teslet was happy and not harmed...so I backed down.

The one thing that happened as a result of me going back to work (was a SAHM) was that Teslet insisted on sleeping in my bed. He's been in my bed for the last 8 months or so. I think he's finally about ready to move back into his own bed...but he's very concerned about it. He's very concerned about being alone. About me dying. About not knowing the plan for the next day. Some of this is normal stuff...some of it is compounded by his dad leaving. I've been really focused on how he and I are a family and how we do stuff together. I think that has helped. ALso, how rules are different at dad's than they are at our place. And that's ok. He gets ice cream and junk food at dad's place...I tell him, that's great -- what a special treat. And then we talk about how at our house we eat healthy food and that's ok too because dad's house is allowed to be different from our house.

Sorry...all over the place...but there is just sooooooo much with a little guy. Keep your boundaries with her and your discipline consistent. It was very hard at first with Teslet (epic temper tantrums) but now that he is 4.5, I'm seeing the payoff. He's well adjusted, knows I love him and that I'm the consistent parent, knows he's allowed to love daddy's 'fun-factor' and talk about it with me, knows we are a team and takes pride in it.

You can do this and your little one will make it. Look into play therapy...a good therapist is worth every penny you spend on her/him.

[This message edited by tesla at 7:14 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

I feel for you. I also have a three year old. Luckily, Daddy always traveled a LOT so she wasn't necessarily used to consistency in her life where he was concerned.

That said, she loves him to pieces and wasn't used to quite this level of abandonment. At first, she asked where Daddy was and if we ever exchanged words while she was around (we of course tried to avoid that like the plague!) then she would also take his side. ("Mommy, don't make Daddy sad! We want him to stay here and not leave!!" Ugh. Interestingly, this has since flipped - "Daddy, why do you always make Mommy sad??")

Besides a few strange temper tantrums at the beginning (she is the happiest child ever), she now is happy when he's around but doesn't really ask about him anymore. She seems to categorize Daddy with Grandma and Grandpa now...it's fun when they're around but they're not REALLY part of our little family.

I hope that helped...there's nothing worse than hearing a 3 year old's tiny voice asking if her Daddy still loves her because he doesn't come to see her anymore. I will die resenting him for having to live through that sort of thing. But take heart - it gets better.

I have a 4 year old son and a six year old daughter. They see their mother three weekends per month. I have them the rest of the time. I'll share a few things that I have experienced with my kids, in the hope that it might help in some way.

1. The way I chose to explain it to my kids was that mommy and daddy didn't love each other as husband and wife any longer, but still loved each other as friends (bit of a stretch there). It wasn't anything they did, etc. it was all mommy and daddy's responsibility, but nevertheless, that's the way it is. They seemingly took it in stride.

2. I love my kids and do everything to be a really good father. In fact, my only real goal in life right now is to be a good father. But, even with that, when something upsets my six year old, (you know, something like, I say she has to take a bath and she says she doesn't want to and things start to spiral downward and get out of control) she has gone as far as saying that she hates me, wishes she had another father and wants to live with mommy and have that be her family. So, just be prepared and just be a good parent and don't take it personally.

3. I let them call their mother whenever they want to, so they know that if they ever miss her, they can always talk to her on the phone.

4. When they say, "I miss mommy", I reassure them that I understand. Yes, of course you do. You'll see mommy on Friday? Would you like to call her right now?

5. I have learned that I cannot even breathe a vaguely negative comment about my xWW in front of my daughter. It bothers her when I do. For example, my xWW made cookies and sent them home with the kids after the weekend. My daughter got one out for me. I ate it. She asked me how I liked it. I said it was good, but a little too sweet for me. That upset her. I interpret this as her seeing any disapproval of my xWW from me, as a link to her possibly losing her mother altogether, which she obviously would not want to do.

6. I try not to worry, analyze the impact, fret, dispair, etc., about the fact that they no longer have a single family unit. Rather, I try to do my best to nurture them and love them, and I hope they will be OK in the end.

Good luck to you.

I have a 6 and 2.5 year old. They were 4 and 8 months on d day. My ds (6year old) had abandonment issues when ft and I separated.

Since I was a SAHM at the time we moved in with my parents (we are still there). He was afraid that we would be homeless, that I would die, and he would claim to have "nightmares". I say nightmares like that because he would say he had them just so he could sleep in my room (usually before even going to sleep) He was afraid of being alone. I don't let him sleep in bed with me....for a little guy he sure can hog the bed and kick a lot. He sleeps in a sleeping bag.

He sleeps in his own room now but I keep the sleeping bag available and ready for him should he get lonely. When the mistress started being at their day's during visitation, the nightly visits to my room started up again.

For his fears about abandonment I repeatedly told him how much his dad and I love him and that no matter what he does, say, or think will ever change our love for him. Also I explained how my parents took me back into their house so would I take ds in my house no matter what age he was...he would always have a home wherever I was.

He also asked for months why we couldn't go back home (martial house). Ft had told him that he never wanted me to leave....he just failed to tell ds that if I had stayed in the house he was going to move out. This caused ds a LOT of confusion. I got asked why we couldn't move back home daily. I explained my parents' house was our new home and I had to go so far to say that ft hurt mommy

My youngest doesn't know any difference in her life.

My kids were 3 and 6 when their fathers left. The three year old is very easy going and adapted well. My older one has had a harder time. I got him into therapy and that has helped. I would highly suggest that.