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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I just weak?
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read so many posts here about how the BS must punish the WS emotionally and if the WS stays through the yelling, the insults, the disdain, the lack of intimacy, the turning away, the loss of affection, the loss of respect, being blamed for all problems in R, being told that they receive no sympathy for their issues because what they did was worse, if they stay through all this and fight then the BS can see that they really are all in. Add in transparency and honesty and you have the recipe for R. Well I feel like I'm doing everything listed above and that's not bragging that's the truth. SO has said I am doing all of the above, he can see that I'm working and fighting but I feel like he's not and he never will. Hes told me he's giving all he has to give and that yes I have no leg to stand on when I tell him what hurts me or makes me mad because and I quote "I never fucked someone else." I don't remember the last time he comforted me when he saw me crying and he says because we fought one day and I said I wanted to hug him but didn't know if I should he's now not going to hug me first...

I know focus on me and I do but when I do I realize I'm miserable and haven't felt happy in close to a year. Then I think well I caused that, and if I leave to take care of me then I am weak, I am supposed to be strong enough to withstand it, to take what he dishes and still fix me at the same time. But I'm not strong, I feel weak because I feel like giving up on our R and just focusing on me because this isn't going to get any better.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here..

I don't think you're weak, you're trying. Weak runs away. Weak continues to have an affair. Weak doesn't understand the depth of the hurt they have caused their spouse. Weak talks a big game and has no actions to back it up.

You are none of those things. BH even says so himself.

I don't know the first thing about how to juggle healing yourself AND BH at the same time but at least you're making progress somewhere. Being MH complicates things further and is far outside my realm of experience. Giving up on R is not the answer though. Do you love this man? Do you want to stay together? Do you want the two of you to grow from this experience and move away from the pain together? Stick around. Yes, healing yourself should be a priority but do not neglect BH's needs if you want to continue R.

A lot of folks say that the whole process takes 2-5 years before you can expect to have a semi-normal life again. Year 2 is supposed to be the worst, other folks here can attest to that.

Unfortunately i didn't have a partner who was as interested in making things right, she made my life hell instead and it took me a long time to make up my mind that life would be better without her. It sounds like you're doing everything you can, just keep your head down and push ahead, things will get easier with time.

IC should help a lot with this. AD if you're feeling particularly down. MC for the two of you will also go a long way if you aren't already.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He refuses MC and I can no longer afford IC as my savings account got hit hard by it all. I don't want to give up but its hard when he says what he did was not an EA and it wasn't even breaking boundaries because it was his private life and what he wanted to do and he never fucked her. Add in all that goes along with being WS and trying to focus on me and I'm just sad a lot. I'm saving up for some more IC sessions and will call her when I get the money together but in the meantime I try to sort through this muck solo. Thanks for listening.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel this is your BS actually punishing you emotionally? This might be an issue.

Your BS is probably not purposely punishing you but maybe you have a need to feel punished. I think it's part of the shame a WS feels. You feel shame for your actions and you feel you need to be punished. You look at what you are experiencing and see it as punishment. I think feeling shame and feeling you need to be punished is ok, but projecting your BS into the role of the punisher is not.

He has told you he is giving all he has to give. I know from what I see with my own BS that what she has to give changes often. When they have hope for the future, they give more. I think as a WS we need to continue to keep hope ourselves and let some of that hope flow to our BSs. When they can't fight or fight hard, you need to fight even harder and carry the load for both of you.

I personally feel that we need to still share our feelings, no matter what they are, with our BS. But, we simply can't expect them to feel sorry for us and want to console us.

On a positive note, you know you are doing the right things, especially when your BS says so. Just keep doing it, even when it is very hard to do so.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie,

I've been reading your posts and I for one think you're a pretty tough cookie, and I mean that in a good way.

Second, I wish my FWW had felt half the remorse you seem to.

Third, I don't think the BS "has to punish the WS" but we do Have to Know, and with your remorse, it can feel like it. My FWW was so ashamed that she couldn't allow herself to feel remorse, and my need to know felt like daggers to her.

Last, it worked out for us, but sometimes an A is dealbreaker no matter what you do. I wish my FWW had seen how close it was going to be for us before she crossed the line, but like Yogi Berra said, "Predicting is hard, especially about the future."

Don't give up, you're doing Right now, so just stay in the game to the end. "If it's not OK, it's not the end".

Like a wise man once said:

"Show up, tell the truth, don't get attached to the outcome."

I hope your relationship with the man you love survives, but whatever, you will.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 2:58 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they have hope for the future, they give more.

Completely true, at least for me. I'm a reactionary, when WXGF was doing well and showed affection, showed me she was working on things, i woud return that effort. It was easier for me to want to be with her when i saw that she was making some effort. We had some happy days, times when i could clearly remember why i was fighting so hard to stay together. Keep showing BH this strength. Show him that you are there for him and that he doesn't have to worry about your motives or desires. Be an open book.

Don't forget to be good to yourself. It's OK to ask for some time if you're feeling stressed. It's hard to project all that positive energy if your tank is low in the first place. That's where the balance comes in. All the while, continue to show BH that he is your priority, he is your choice. All of this effort and energy will come back to you in some way. Even if things don't work out in the long run you will at least be able to look back and say, "yeah, i did everything i could. I was strong."

About MC, it's highly recommended. Do you know why BH is so unwilling to go? Is he worried about his own actions post-DDay? Does he think it's a waste of time? Can't afford it? There are programs out there that offer reduced cost therapy. Different incomes can receive different discounts. Also, you don't need to see a therapist in order to get AD if you want to look into that. I went to my PCP and he was able to get me a prescription without much effort. Right now i get a month of Zoloft for only $4 because i found a coupon on their website (discount psychopharmaceuticals ftw!).

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks MC is a waste of time and doesn't believe in counseling in general. I used to believe I deserved to be punished I no longer think that and do not not expect constant comfort and consoling but when I am on the floor crying because he says he feels no remorse over meeting a woman off craigslist for dinner and wine yea it'd be nice to feel a hug or something. I never will because he never fucked her so he doesn't have to feel remorse.

When we focus on my actions he wants me to stop thinking about it and accept that nothing will ever change the way he is now. This is how he says he will be for the rest of our lives. He says I can have the marriage and kids I so desperately wanted pre-A but don't expect for the affection to ever come back. I can never have both and nothing I do will earn it back.

I do not project what I feel I take what he says and state how it makes me feel. So when he says I have no chance for affection, that this is as good as it will get, that he Will just deal and accept that this is what we have and we'll never have better and that I need to just accept it, that I can go fuck someone else and it doesn't matter to him and never will again...yea it slashes and it hurts like crazy and I am not going to hide that or stuff it away. I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled without pain behind it. If this is what the rest of my life is going to be then it becomes harder and harder to sit her and feel like we can make it. Thus my title, I take all this and feel like I can't do it and I feel weak. I know him when he sets his mind to something especially when he wants to change something about himself he does it and he sticks to it. There's no doubt that this is all I will get, he didn't grieve his mother for years and when his dad turned his back on him it took him another few years just to talk to him again. I'm truly scared this is all I will have for the rest of my life with him.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that case, why are you back with him? Forgive me for being a little behind but last thing i knew you had moved out and were trying to move on since he was being so heartless. Sounds like he hasn't changed his tune at all so why are you back together?

Granted, all BS have anger, hate, confusion. That's not the same as "this is all you're going to get out of me." Is that really the type of relationship you want? It sounds like you've been doing a TON of heavy lifting but BH just isn't being receptive. Sure he recognizes your effort but he is still holding onto the hurt to such an extent that he is effectively preventing all progress. He has to be open to healing in order for this to work. It's possible that the A was a dealbreaker for him but he is just too scared or lazy to admit it. Yes you did some shit things, took the wrong path and broke his heart, but it sounds like he is the one who needs to make some changes now. If he's really giving you all you will ever get then this is no way to have a relationship, this is not R.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to move back in because my friend's mother came with 5 friends to stay with her. Its a one bedroom there was literally no room for me. I have applied for housing and been looking for a job and have looked to see if I can afford and apt solo. He tells me I deserve more and he'd understand if I left because of it.

I'm still here for a really basic reason. I love him. I'm starting to realize though that may not be enough and I want to cry when I think that, hell I started crying typing it. I love him so much and sometimes when we're laying down together and he's petting my hair or holding me it feels like we can make it. I asked him to tell me why he loved me one day, I wasn't looking for compliments I was looking at it very analytically. I was seeing if any of the reasons were emotional or affection based instead of practical. All reasons were practical, none dealt with emotion...that sounds confusing when I read it so let me explain. I love him for practical reasons like how intelligent he is, how good a provider he can be, how good a parent he will be, his sense of responsibility. I also love him for purely emotional reasons like how he gives me butterflies when I look at him, how my heart flutters when he touches my face, how I feel when he laughs or smiles...this list can go on forever. So his list for me was purely practical and it helped me realize that he is attaching no affection to the emotion of love. It made things clearer while hurting. He keeps asking if I'm going to leave when I talk about our future and it almost feels like its what he's expecting and he's not willing to try any harder.

I stay despite this because I still have hope for us. Thing is that its getting crushed and he thinks that I will end ip hating him but he's not willing to do more or even try a little. Him staying apparently should be enough for me. I'm feeling exhausted again.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie,
I have been reading your posts since I started on SI. You are a good and caring person. I believe you are giving your all. Be kind to yourself. You deserve love and affection. If your BBFF says he is never going to be able to give you what you desire and need then it is allowed to be a deal breaker for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Choose to be happy. Can you be happy accepting the relationship he is offering you?

If you decide to proceed with marriage and kids will you be happy modeling his version of a loving relationship for your kids?

Eta
((((Unagie))))

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:23 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


FWW 40's, BH (knight) 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and a dog

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
housenotahome
♀ Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't mistake weakness for exhaustion and weariness. Doing the work, any work from any side is exhausting, and you are on both sides. What he did may have come from a place of pain and insecurity but you were not at fault for his actions and you cannot let him blame you.
Hes told me he's giving all he has to give and that yes I have no leg to stand on when I tell him what hurts me or makes me mad because and I quote "I never fucked someone else."
His intent was to hurt you with his "Pseudo" A. If he doesn't own up to that, what is to stop him from doing it again in the future. He can't keep hanging his actions over your head. You're owning up to yours and he needs to do the same. I know you love him and I hope you find happiness because you work so hard for it but that is all you. Your in charge of your happiness as is he.
I am supposed to be strong enough to withstand it, to take what he dishes and still fix me at the same time. But I'm not strong, I feel weak because I feel like giving up on our R and just focusing on me because this isn't going to get any better.
You have every right to decide what is right for you. As for things getting better, it can take years but it also takes the effort of both people. If you feel like you are doing this alone, you can walk without feeling guilty, knowing that you tried.
As far as BS's punishing WS's emotionally(I know that is what you've read and not a generalization) BS's, Ill refer to myself are reacting to the trauma with no intent of punishing the WS. My WS felt as if he was being punished at times. A lot of it was him punishing himself because he stuck around to see the pain. Don't get me wrong, I let him have it from time to time but I own that. He has to own the RA even if it was only an attempt.
Him staying apparently should be enough for me
Is it? You not only stayed for him but you did the work and it wasn't enough for him. How is him sticking around and not doing the work enough for you?


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not weakness it is doing the same thing over and over and over expecting a different result. Sometimes the feelings we feel for another is what we Project on to them because we can't feel it for ourselves.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is him sticking around and not doing the work enough for you?
excellent question. I'd like to know. Unagie, you are NOT weak. You are STRONG and you deserve more than what you're getting.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not much to add, but I too have been following your post and you are not weak.

You have shown strength and growth in your posts, not weakness.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated


Posts: 598 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not enough...oh god its not enough...I'm going to go take a shower and have a cry and go for a quick walk. Thanks guys I need some fresh air.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and it wasn't even breaking boundaries because it was his private life and what he wanted to do and he never fucked her.

okay hon, if you saw someone else post this, what would you say to them?

Hes told me he's giving all he has to give

and if he were *just* a BS, I'd say to take what he said at face value. But he's not. He's also an unremorseful WS, so I say he's showing you who he is. Believe him.

I'm sorry. I'm sure it's got to suck so much more to be on both sides of the equation. But don't settle for less of a relationship than you deserve. You've been working towards healthy. You can't say the same thing about him. ((unagie))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11972 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His intent was to hurt you with his "Pseudo" A.

^^^ This.

His willingness to cause you pain in order to get even and his inability to accept the hard work you are putting forth say that he is not capable of R. It's sad, really. To have a WW who is so remorseful and willing to actually DO all the hard work and try to carry the relationship forward, and he is just throwing away the chance. I agree with the others, this is not weakness, not yours at least. You have shown strength and conviction and love for a man who is incapable of such things at the moment. He is milking the BS card too much IMHO. Yes, he is allowed to feel hurt and betrayed and all that other stuff that comes with the job but it has carried on like this for so long it's like he is using it as an excuse to be an ass. Entitlement will kill R no matter which side it comes from.

I'm sorry Unagie, i really am. I've been rooting for you since you first showed up on SI, shortly after i, myself, joined. You have shown all of the characteristics of a truly remorseful WW and i can honestly say that i wish my own WXGF had shown half the effort you've put forth. You may have been the one to have the A but failure to R is not on your head. I never really thought i would sympathize with a WS as much as i do right now. I know what it's like to want this with your whole heart and soul and put everything you have into making things better only to have a spouse who in the end just wants it to be over.

It's a hard thing to accept and i'm sorry that you have to go through the same.

Sending you strength and good thoughts. You've done this BS proud.

(((Unagie)))

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Unangie)) I see your posts all the time on here. You are doing great!!! I wish my WW was on here sifting through her emotions and working. She is doing it in her own way so for that I am greatful. In your situation I do think it is important a BS and WS help heal together. Each has a different fucked up pain, issue, insecurity, lack of trust. But I really think in order to heal the marriage both parties need to help each other heal. The probelm is the BS is torn between loving, hating and raging on the WS because they inflicted this pain on the BS. Its kind of an inner strugle. But yeah I think he should be there to help you and not throw it in your face. Keep at it but don't let him beat you up for it. Its his choice to gift you with R and he is going to have to work through his struggles and emotions. Cant be one sided but you know this.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Mar 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we focus on my actions he wants me to stop thinking about it and accept that nothing will ever change the way he is now. This is how he says he will be for the rest of our lives. He says I can have the marriage and kids I so desperately wanted pre-A but don't expect for the affection to ever come back. I can never have both and nothing I do will earn it back.


Read this over and over again.

Ask yourself, what advice would you give to your "future" daughter if this is what she was living with.

Would you tell her that she is valuable or worthless?

Are you valuable or worthless?


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all I will give a longer response later. My girlfriend picked me up from class for dinner and dancing, her treat even though I will attempt to give her money. I just wanted you all to know I've read and appreciated all responses.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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