Mixed in there were good dates and times spent together. He would say to me, see this is what it is all about. This is what we are. Then I would trigger or rage or whatever and the cycle started all over.
Totally dysfunctional and not healthy at all. My kids were aware. We were both miserable.
In the past few weeks, I started to make a slight break through with my IC. I had been really thinking that OW was better than me and was comparing a lot. ANd somewhere a light switched and I just decided that she is NOT better.
I would then find myself starting to give in to trusting a bit, but then I would pull back and the cycle would begin again. Although this time I could tell I was healing a bit more each time.
My WH was getting more and more frustrated.
So now, my WH has gotten another position in his company. He will not be working with OW anymore. Further, she has put in to be relocated to a different part of the country for a SO she has been dating for awhile.
My WH is over the moon because of his new job, but also because she can now be gone for good. And while part of me is thinking that this is great, there is a part of me that still feels the need to hold on. Hold on to what? The anger, the cycle, the anger? I don't know what? Why does this not make me happy? Anyone else experience this? What did you do to fully take the step? I am so confused by myself because I have dreamt of this for forever. Anyone have any insight or am I just f-ed up?
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
Thank you for replying. I wonder about that too....that it is my cycle to cope? It's like I no longer have anything to hold me back from jumping in.
It's like moving forward is scary. I don't want him to forget and maybe I am scared to forget too or at least accept it.
Maybe it is acceptance that I need to come to...so confused.
Our MC helps a lot on this. I talk MC and W listen and respond. We make progress slowly - but fast enough. So I recommend considering MC - if you're in MC, I suggest raising this issue in a session.
Like what Trustgone said, I am familiar with the cycle and the feelings involved. That familiarity give me a sense of power or control.
When things change, even for the better, familiarity is gone and so is the sense of control.
My ex got a promotion after his A and he was all happy about it. He was acting all Pie-In-The-Sky excited,just like he acted when he was starting his A. it was a huge trigger for me.
Plus it felt like he was getting rewarded somehow...better job, recondition, ect...
I also worried about new, (attractive female) co-workers. It was a difficult time emotionally,
for me. Like you I had a hard time figuring out, exactly why, at the time.
[This message edited by Safeguard at 1:20 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
Think of it this way - by way of analogy - you go to find that all your bank accounts have been wiped clean and all your savings, retirement, etc., are completely gone. You panic! You are traumatized by the loss of all your financial assets. And you find out your husband had taken all the money and spent it gambling. You are furious! Well, then he comes home the next day and tells you, "No need to be upset anymore, I finally WON all the money back by making a HUGE gambling bet. So, I've put all the money back in our accounts, retirement, etc., just like it never happened!". Do you think that if he put everything back you would then all of a sudden feel OK about everything, like it never happened, or just like Oh Well? Of course you wouldn't. It's because you are still experiencing pain from the deceit, etc., that your husband inflicted upon you. Even though he put EVERY SINGLE PENNY back in those accounts. Hell, say he even added another 10% for 'good measure'. You still wouldn't be bouncing off the walls with excitement. It's because of the fact that the person you trusted the most, loved the most, etc., violated your trust, betrayed you, etc. You just simply cannot 'get over it' by instantaneous corrective actions (deposit $$$ back in accounts, OW moves to a new place, WH gets new job). Those are all things that are instantaneous in time versus PROVEN time and time again, over time.
Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself as much time AS YOU NEED to heal. That being said, I strongly recommend setting a time 'limit' on healing whereby you can stop and reassess how you feel and if you think it even makes sense to keep feeling that way for a very long time, if not the rest of your life. My IC told me to reassess 1 year from my first DDay (technically, my first DDay was back in 2006, but I didn't learn about it til way later, so I don't count that one). Maybe 1 year works for you? Maybe 2? Maybe 3? It's all a personal choice. Just try not to rush yourself into healing before you are ready. You'll know in your heart when you are there (whether or not you're 'there' with your WH or not).
I listened to a youtube video by a dating coach David DeAngelo its called controlling emotions. It helped be put into perspective the control I really have on my emotional state. Its a quick listen. Whenever I start to feel insecure I listen to it. Probably like every day hahaha But its a good eye opener. Check it out. Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTS1dKscCXE It geared toward men so disreguard all that stuff. Anyway. I know how you feel its a crazy rollercoaster that I too can't wait to get off
Gotta love the life that we livin'
Some great responses to your post. PeaceLove187 particularly resonates with me. I can relate to this hey, wait, this bomb just went off right HERE....where is everybody going?!?!? feeling.
I see you are just past your 1 year mark...maybe that plays into this too.
I have dysfunctional moments in my life too...my girls are aware of this struggle.
My wife and I are committed to working through this dysfunction and get to the other side for many reasons...not the least of which is to help model what the dealing with the WORST is like when our girls prepare to take the FOR BETTER OR WORSE vows themselves.
Be patient. Be still. Two tips I am not good at, but have some success in doing this...just a few moments, but I have seen this work...so I am encouraged to do it again.
Hang in there. Try to enjoy the present moments that are good and continue to move towards acceptance of this trauma.
I am only 9 months out from discovery...4 months out from the dreaded fog....hardly a leader on this post...but hope it comforts you in some ways.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:52 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]