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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what went wrong here?
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWBF texted me this morning and at first it was good. He has been trying very hard, he will read anything I ask him to, he will comfort me when I need him to (when he realizes it), and he will answer any questions that I ask.

It has taken quite some time to get this far, and several times I have mentioned that I am afraid to tell him too much how I feel because I am afraid that he will give up and decide R is not worth the work.

So the texting that started out good has turned bad, and here I sit, crying because he has given up. Apparently it's my fault because he says I don't listen to him. This is our conversationthe ['s are just me adding to explain something.

why don't I understand what he's saying? Am I being stupid? Am I stuck in thinking that I know everything so I wont allow myself to believe what he says. Or does this not make sense to other people too? And how the hell did this go from i love you so much to fuck it goodbye so fast?

I dont know if it will make sense if you dont know what went on, so-he started this A, then two months later told me he was moving out, i had no idea of the A, begged him to stay, kissed his ass for a month before he decided to stay here with my son and I instead of moving in with her and her two kids. (in her basement-so apparently that means he wasnt actually "moving in" with her????)

him: doubt i'll get much done 2nite, dont feel good

me: aaw, hope u feel better, that's ok, we can just relax 2nite

him: doubt i'll feel better till u do. my stomach always hurts[i've told him how my stomach hurts all the time when I'm upset], just tired xoxo

me: was crappy b4 but [sister] called so im on the fone with her. im feeling alright. i luv u very much and i look 4ward to growing closer 2 u every day 4 the rest of my life xoxoxo

him: Awww me too. luv u xoxo. i just hope u always feel that way because i know i will.

me: u will always b the love of my life and that will never change.

him: and u will always b the love of my life. i can't even imagine not being with you. even when i was going to leave it made me cry. xoxo

me:then why were u going 2? im not bein bitchy, thats a real ? that i think about xoxo

him: i already told u i think, but our relationship wasn't even close to heading in the direction i wanted with the kind of family i want

me: and she had the family u wanted?

him: no i want my own

me: did u think u wanted 2 have a baby with her in the future?

him: no

me: then what was the point of switchin partners if it would have been the same?
me: i guess thats why i dont understand how there could b nothin good 2 remember [i had said it bothers me that he has good memories of her-he said there are no good memories, i cant believe that] and things like that
me: i guess sometimes it boils down to what does she have that i dont

him: she has nothing that u don't. not sure if it was so much a switch as it was a temporary thing i guess. all i want is u xoxo

me: so u just wanted a temporary change? i dont get it. I felt anger when i read that, but im assuming u didn't mean it how it sounds-why cant u start saying thse kinds of things in person?

him: i dont want to talk about it cuz i dont like seeing u hurt even more. and i didnt want a temporary change. i didn't have many options as far as a place to stay. and really i didn't want to leave at all but it seemed a dead end. hope that clears it up a little. if not let me know i'll try to explain better.

me: i think this should b in person, but no, i still dont get it-options on where to live have nothin 2 do with having sex with someone & yes it hurts very much 2 talk about, but it helps ease the all-the-time pain. so I was a dead end-she wasnt? that would mean kids were a possibility 2 u.

him: ok maybe u just wont understand u r stuck in ur thinking. what a surprise. this is why i dont want to tell u things.

me:dont get mad cuz i dont understand. talk 2 me instead of texting it. i luv u and i WANT to understand u xoxo


him: I didnt have any long terms plans with her and theres nothing special about her. can u understand that?

me: not really, i'm sorry but i cant right now

him: ok fuck it then. u were right, im done trying. u wont listen. everything i say doesnt make sense


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say what went wrong here is that your boyfriend stabbed you in the back and then got pissed at you for bleeding on the carpet.

As long as you were being sweet and loving he was fine, but when you actually started to ask legitimate questions (in a nice non-accusing way) he very quickly blew up at you.

I don't doubt that he wasn't seeing a future with kids, etc. with the other woman. But you deserve to ask the question and he owes you an honest well-thought out answer. Instead he blew you off and insulted you.

This is not okay at all.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6565 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you shouldn't be doing this through texts. You don't get a huge portion of the communication when you text- you can't see each other, the body language, the eye contact, etc. It's important.

Also, and this is something I was guilty of- asking question after question without letting him know he was heard and continuing to go down the "rabbits hole" as it were.

For example....instead of this....


me: and she had the family u wanted?

him: no i want my own

me: did u think u wanted 2 have a baby with her in the future?

him: no

What about this....

you- So did she have the family you wanted?
him- no, I want my own
you- I want my own family too. I can't wait to have two kids (whatever you want...) What does your own family look like to you?
him- (I don't know...insert his answer)

Basically, you parrot back what he said, to let him know he was heard, then engage in more of a dialogue rather than just rapid fire questions.



You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a rugsweeping is what went wrong. As long as you are not asking him questions and he doesn't have to face what he did he seems fine but when you start asking questions and he has to look within himself for answers he gets defensive and tries to turn things around on you.

several times I have mentioned that I am afraid to tell him too much how I feel because I am afraid that he will give up and decide R is not worth the work.

So the texting that started out good has turned bad, and here I sit, crying because he has given up. Apparently it's my fault because he says I don't listen to him.

This is rugsweeping and blamsehifting on his part. You should not have to walk on eggshellz and not be heard. He needs to grow up and deal with his issues. He wants this to be easy and blow over but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1836 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what others are saying here. He is rugsweeping. If you are nice and happy, he is happy, but if you want to actually try to pull the knife from your back, he gets mad and defensive.

I also mirror what others have said in that these conversations are best had in person (or at least on the phone, when you can hear/interpret inflections, etc.).

I know it isn't always ideal to wait until you're in person, but if you have the opportunity to do so, it may serve you (and him, for that matter) better. Just IMHO.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everybody. when he got home from work he was still acting all crabby and he said-did you lose service, or just decide not to text me anymore? I said-you told me you were done, why would I text you? Saying what? He didn't say anything and walked away.

After about 15 minutes of crankiness, he told me that he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. He said that he just gets so frustrated that he feels like he never wants to talk about it again and he gets mad and wants to give up. He also said that after calming down he realizes that he can't just never talk about it.

I told him that if he starts to feel like that, he should say it-say I'm feeling frustrated and I need a break, instead of fuck it, I'm done trying! I also said I was worried that while he was feeling like he wanted to give up he would do something stupid, like call or text OW, and he said that it only takes a minute or two until he doesn't feel like that anymore, and that he wouldn't call her anyway.

I don't know, I thought that last night he would have brought it back up and maybe clarified whatever he was trying to say in the texts, but he never did. So I never did get any answer on why he was going to leave if he supposedly didn't want to, maybe I never will.

I even told him that I posted our conversation, so I thought maybe later he would check out whatever replies came, but he didn't (we were pretty busy after his nap, but still). I love him so much, this is so sickening.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 6

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