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User Topic: Oral vs genital
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Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had my ws just received a bj or had he just had intercourse, it would still be horrible but him going down on her..I agree with a previous poster, that was for HER and that PISSES ME OFF!!

Just a different take on this....sometimes the "motive" may not be selflessly giving pleasure to the may be more that they wanted to be SEEN by the OW as selfless, or skilled in bed, etc.

That's how I think about the fact that my H did it with his APs. His A's and everything he did in them - the money, the sex, the time spent - were all about making HIMSELF feel good, ultimately. Not about "giving" to her.

Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.

This whole thing is horrific to me.
My WH told me conflicting versions of what he did & didn't do in bed with OW. I think he was so flattered that a woman so much younger was pursuing him ( when all of the men at work were drooling after her, so he says), that I think he was trying to impress her.
So I am just going to assume that they did every physical thing possible.
And it is all so intimate.

And do I want to continue on with someone who was that intimate with another woman while he was married to me, & obviously he couldn't have cared less what it would do to me to know about it.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These days I very rarely believe it when people say "XYZ would be a deal breaker".... fact is, it is very rare to see that happen. I think almost all of us could have said at one point that the affair itself would have been a dealbreaker. I am also skeptical of any WS who says they did not engage in oral sex, unless it was something like a one night stand, and even then I would still take it with a grain of salt. Giving and receiving oral is too common, and is one of the build ups to the actual sex.

I have no idea how someone could take the word of their WS about what activities they engaged in.


[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:51 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
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Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealbreakers don't really exist until it happens. Then you know whether it is the step too far for you. Until it happens you just don't know.

I think betrayeds like to believe there is a line their wayward wouldn't cross. Something that is just for them or that their spouse just wouldn't do. I think it's somehow comforting. I also think it's our little delusion. There isn't really much a wayward won't do when they are in the fog and fantasy.

Like others here I feel that oral is a much more personal thing. My WH apparently thought it was not as personal as he claimed that it was "only" a BJ. But cheating is cheating. I was just as crushed when I found out he had flirted all night with a stranger at a work function at a bar, then kissed her at the end, years before he ever had sex outside marriage. To me that was cheating. It didn't have to be sex. It was doing something that was supposed to be just us with someone else.

Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I generally don't respond to posts about this as I rarely think it is relevant. Sexual intimacy is what it is - any kind. However I thought you might enjoy a smile at the OW's expense.

It is important to note that I was about 6 months out from dday at this time so perhaps my response would have been different if I had JFO.

Story 1

I asked FWH if his OWs had ever done oral on him.

Him: Yes, OW3 did it most of the time

Me: What do you mean?

Him: When I went to visit we would lie in bed talking for a while. After a time she would say "Well there are better things I could be doing with my mouth" and get to work.

Me: How often did she say this?

Him: Every time.

Me: EVERY time??????

Him: Yes

Me: Hysterical laughing. I couldn't stop. I just kept laughing. (I found it SO corny. Not just that she said it but that she said the same thing each time).

Him: Looking both puzzled and a little offended. What's so funny?

Me: I'm sorry. I just assumed she would have had a more extensive repertoire. More hysterical laughing.

Story 2

I then asked him if he did it often with her.

Him: No, only a couple of times.

Me: Why only a couple of times?

Him: Because I didn't like the taste of her.

Me: Looking away to have a private smile. Oh I see. (Thinking: Yes. Sadly you didn't know she was screwing another AP at the time. Perhaps he had been to visit shortly before you visited her those times)

Story 3

After dday I noticed FWH referring often to the fact that his member was a little on the small side and had a bend in it. I could never remember him saying anything about this in all the 28 years we had been married. Me, I had never noticed, cared or commented on either. (Well we all know I am challenged in the observation department otherwise I would have picked up on his A activities earlier).

I was tempted to say Well I guess OW3 had lots of opportunities to do a detailed inspection..

I bit my tongue in the interests of R but have a little smile to myself each time he says it.

Be kind to yourselves people.

Be gentle with yourselves.

This shit can really screw with your head. (Oops - double entendre perhaps! )

What the deviants got up to together hurts. I know it does. But the focus should be on the deceit and the betrayal. Like many of you, in the early days I desperately wanted the details. But I think most on SI would agree that whether she liked to stand on her head when he did her, hang from the rafters, or do it to him with or without her false teeth in.....who cares?????!!!

To me it is a bit like asking "Which is worse - a PA, EA, LTA, OC, Muliple As, Muliple LTAs, Same sex partner(s), double betrayal etc?"

They all suck!!!!

Dumbfuckery is dumbfuckery



[This message edited by Laura28 at 10:27 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]

Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH said she just jerked him off for 4+ years and the omly tim he had vaginal intercourse was theday I caught him Iin bed with her. D- day. WTF he expects me to believe this? He said he was drunk and didn't come. Her boyfriend arrived to srprise her on St Pats day. What a surprise! The slut told my husband nit to worry BF wouldn't show up. He says no oral either way. I dont believe him. Think she gave him numerous BJs . He dtill wont admit vsg sex except once. So it must have beenmorr. Hes a lier and still wont trll tgevtruth 2 years later. I need to hear it all, gross as the pig ( both her and him). Shes uglier than a cesspool pig, and he liked that??? Go figure. Syill in msjor pain

Still Devastated

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Devastated777
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Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling rather concise today, being cheated on/ betrayed hurts like a son of a bitch no matter what form it takes! Hugs to all who are hurting:) Jamie

BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How odd... I'm years divorced and I never once thought about oral between ex-asshat and the OW. How is that even possible?

I wasn't one who demanded details, though... but yeah, in the whole scope of sex, the three things that seem most intimate to me are kissing, oral and just the emotional part of the A. I found the EAs a lot harder to bounce back from than the PA(s?). If I'd had confirmation of oral, I probably would have walked sooner than I did (which was years, anyway ).

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
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Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew the answer to this question before I even asked (although I did ask and get confirmation). I knew OW gave FWH oral, because that was the way she enticed him. I knew FWH gave OW oral because to my FWH it is an ego thing. The fact that he can get a woman to O is a lot about him and how great he is, how proficient, how giving--whatever. It is part of his "I am such a great guy" image. It is validating for him to be able to do that, have that power over a woman. It is an indication to himself of how hot and desirable he is. So of course he did it to her--but it was really all about him.

Unfortunately for him, as much as he loves oral, he may never get it from me again. I have tried, but it is tremendously trigger. Maybe with time it will get better, but for now he is going to have to do without. Consequences.

Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***IMO*** I wouldn't believe that a physical affair took place without oral sex.
I guess it could happen but doubtful in my book.

***IMO*** I agree. In my personal experiences, this is almost always part of the foreplay.. But any time people are intimate, plenty of body parts touch other body parts, pick your poison..

Ditto on the condom thing too as I think the percentage of people who use them for oral is very slim And as a women, am I really gonna get out some saran wrap to protect myself?

But my biggest opinion on this whole discussion really is that it's usually not the sex that's the dealbreaker, it's the lies, lies and more lies. Sometimes I think I could have gotten over the sex, whatever sex, but the lies, deceit and betrayal and how I was treated after I found out was what broke the marriage for good..

Lots of hugs and support to all the betrayed people on this site. No matter what form of infidelity it was, it all sucks BIG TIME, and my heart goes out to everyone dealing with this life-changing bullshit.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
looking forward
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Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I see posts that state she/he only performed oral sex on the AP. The premise is that oral is not as bad as sexual intercourse.

Flashback to 1969....a naive 18 year old girl seduced by her boyfriend's experiment, to get some experience....
So he convinced me to give him bj's....and only bj's...never intercourse because that was sex!
...and this continued for a long, long time....I have racked my brain for the reasons why this horrific betrayal continued, one being that I was punishing my H for not marrying me at age 17 (he supported my parents' insistence on abortion). During this 18 years, I believed that I held the power, the control, the dominance not only during the act, but the "dance" leading up to it...the satisfaction of my superiority over OM. What a fool I was!
And the person I loved was the person I destroyed by my selfish choice.

And what has my deceitful, horrible betrayal done to my H? If you read his posts, you know that I have totally destroyed him, that he is struggling to make sense (???) of 40 years total of lies.
We have been trying desperately to wade through this muck.....seems we're sinking more frequently lately. This morning he told me he was dying inside. But we keep holding on tighter.
I wasn't the woman he thought he had fallen in love with 45 years ago.
And his bf was never his friend at all.
This was a huge double betrayal.
OM is dead (brain tumour @ age 57), so no closure there for my H.
I'm living my karma.

Oral vs genital?
It's infidelity, regardless.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
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Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The image in my head (although not relevant in my case) is my WSO going towards another woman and taking her in his arms. That would hurt so much.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the OP, it's never an accident, but none of it is.

When I first experienced DDay and it began washing over me I began reading. Reading here even before I became a member and reading every book in the library and book stores I could get my hands on.
What stuck with me initially besides the fact that it wasn't my fault was that there would always be people who had worse things happen and not such bad things happen but your experience is yours and that is really the only one that you can speak to when it comes to resolutes like deal breakers.

Any sort of cheating was a dealbreaker for me and he knew that.

He wasn't thinking about that when she kissed him. Or when he took her to the garage and went down on her (to convince her to do more because she was hesitant and married and knew me)
It doesn't matter that he didn't start it
It matters that he didn't stop it
The words they wrote later and his admission to me that the PA made him feel alive at a time in his life when he was suicidal.

I didn't make him feel alive.

Oral hurts, kissing hurts, kind words exchanged hurts, genital hurts, the STD he passed to me while I was pregnant and nursing hurts, my daughter almost dying because of his choice to cheat hurts, the fact that he stopped performing oral on me after his PA with her (I guess hers was made of gold?) hurts

Is mine the worst kind of hurt? no
Is it the best?

Wish he had just divorced me first and then done everything else....and that he had chosen a partner who wasn't married and whose husband wasn't serving bravely overseas at the time (and my exfwh was a veteran himself and he knew better)

I guess at the end of the day
Yes, Oral is more intimate in my opinion but to my exfwh it was just a commodity, something he was good at that he could trade for what he really wanted....

The only shining light for me is that I am not him. I am greatful for that. At least I do not destroy lives just to have an orgasm.

D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH said he received a BJ once but never went down on any of his OW.

To this day I don't believe him, and probably never will.

But some things I feel I am better off not knowing!

Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think although they're all kinds of horrendous betrayal for some reason I do feel like oral is worse then sex then kissing BUT it feels a little like a conversation I had with my mate where he was trying to comfort me:

Mate: "It could've been worse- she just had quick fucks- no loving or lying down"
Me: "I'm not sure the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall helps"
Mate: "I'd rather that than lying down and cuddling- all 3 times were against a wall- no love there"
Me: "the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall isn't helping"
Mate: "But the alternative is sexy love making- she just got rammed drunk"
Me: "Again, the thought of my wife being nailed against a wall is DEFINITELY NOT HELPING!!"

That conversation had me almost in tears!! The point is- I'm acutely aware that I could feel differently if it actually happened.

It's like I said- this time last year I'd have told you I'd have left her if she cheated on me but here I am- staying put.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
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Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW hated oral. At least when I wanted it.
"It's disgusting and dirty!"

Of course it wasn't when the OM wanted it.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
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Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know they had sex a variety of ways and that was one such way. I remember screaming at him about that. He just stared at me like he didn't know what hit him.

I have been able to perform on him - bc its a position of control. But have not let him near me. It seems crazy since we have kissed....what am I supposed to do? Not kiss him again?

Anyway. I don't think I am in any position (no pun intended) to receive - still too vulnerable.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
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Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think one is worse than other. The fact he betrayed me in any way is gut wrenching.

My WH still maintains that for 2.5 years mOW#1 provided him with oral sex and not vaginal sex.

With mOW#2 he says they rolled round the office floor with most of their clothes off - no vaginal sex took place in their 4 month PA it was BJs and petting - and somehow that makes it not so bad??? I don't think so!

He has lied so much I don't know what to believe. All I know is that infidelity of any kind hurts like hell.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 12:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
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Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter. If you get stabbed in the back, it doesn't matter if it goes in at an angle, sideways, or it gets twisted, it's still pain from a knife in the back.

^^^That's right.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both are awful in cheating.

Oral is very personal.

WH did it all with the OW, it's hard to know that there's nothing that was 'just us.'

Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 68
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