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Sometimes I see posts that state she/he only performed oral sex on the AP. The premise is that oral is not as bad as sexual intercourse.

I just don't get it. I consider oral to be much more intimate. Looking at this hypothetically, I guess it could be possible, solely from the results of gravity, for a penis to accidentally enter a vagina. (Joke)

But how in the hell can slobbering someone else's private parts ever be an accident. And, eww, kissing your spouse after they've been down on some other person...

I agree 1000% A2LA. If I ever find out that that had occurred with the the POS cumdumpster whore, I could not continue to R.

I feel like if there had been oral I would feel worse than I do now- I'm not 100% sure though I mean this time last year if you'd asked what I'd have done if I was cheated on and I would have said left her!!

I just think it's the Mother of my children's mouth- no fucking way if that touches any dick but mine I'd throw up. I feel like I couldn't kiss her again and I'd be a total arsehole regarding the kids- I know I would (probably wrongly).

TMI but sometimes if I get bad mind movies it's the only way I can finish- knowing nothing's been there- it's really weird I know!!

This is from the mind of a 28 year old idiot- and it shows!!

I don't think I could ever kiss him again if I knew there was oral. Strange enough, that's an absolute dealbreaker for me. It's way too intimate for me to get past.

absolute dealbreaker for me

Word.

Strange enough, that's an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Meh. The funny thing about dealbreakers, is that about 1 year and half ago, an affair would have been a dealbreaker for me.

Then I swore if NC was broken that would be a dealbreaker.

Hmmmmm.

But I do agree, the oral aspect was troubling to get over. I got the extreme joy of reading about all their sex acts! Yeah for me! They all disgust me, but I guess they weren't actually dealbreakers.

And no I do not think that oral is somehow less "affairy" than intercourse.

Tomato, tomato. (hmmm, that expression doesn't translate as well in text)

It seems to me that people in pain like to try to minimize the pain inducing action in order to reduce the pain sometimes. It also seems to me that when speaking of horrible things that have happened in their life to other people, it somehow seems to validate the person in pain to make their pain sound greater, such as "at least it was only oral sex, my WS had full on sex with their AP".

We all do things to make ourselves feel better, or feel worse depending on what kind of mood we are in. Some people think this sex act is more intimate than that one, others think it's totally fine to do that same sex act with anyone who walks through the door because it's not intimate at all.

As a woman who's H betrayed her by both oral sex AND vaginal sex, they both suck big rocks and they are both deeply intimate to me because it's sex. Period.

OW gave WH a blow job but WH never gave her oral.

Im not happy about the BJ but we are still together.

If he had gone down on that tramp there would be no way he would ever be touching my mouth again.

I think its just trickle truth, plain and simple.

I totally agree. I mean anything sexual is personal and intimate, but for me, it doesn't get much more personal that giving someone a BJ. Unfortunately my WS got BJ's and of course sex with his whores...

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 11:40 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

I still get queasy when I think of all the times I kissed now ex after his A trips. I now know they also did oral, and anal!

Makes me want to freaking puke that that went on a year plus and all he was exposing me to. Sick sick sick!

It's all bad, but the oral and other are pure disgusting to do then come home and have sex with me! Barf!!

There's a special place in hell waiting for him!

My WBF first tried to confess that the bar slut only gave him a BJ but the next day I started questioning that story. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I was interested in some guy that I found attractive that I was goig to want to do more than give him a BJ...I mean what would I get out of that, so I confronted him the next night with my way of thinking and then he confessed to having sex 2x with the whore! So, now I know he had sex with her and I am sure that during the act there was oral going on because I know he likes to give and to receive. I have not asked if he did perform oral on he or if she did to him, but I really dont have to ask. I feel that if your partner likes to give and receive oral then more than likely it was done. I think I would have rather it just been a BJ, I could have handled that far better than knowing he put his dick in her!

You know, I was pretty calm as I got the details about my fWH's LTA. Until several weeks in when I thought to ask about oral. Apparently in almost four years there were two BJs and two brief the other way.

This had me lying on the floor in my closet in the fetal position screaming. (really freaked out my H!)

It took me some time to come around and lots of talk from my H. Not so much the BJs, but the other. That seems so intimate, and frankly, caring, in what he describes as a selfish sexual release. And it is something that we share that took some real deep intimacy on my part, but which I now love.

But, actually, twice (less than a minute) in almost 4 years (and he was probably just showing off frankly), I finally got past it.

Isn't it weird what causes us to go off the deep end?

I think about all of it and it makes me sick.

But yes, oral either way to me seems more intimate, always has.

And of course that was just one of the thousands questions from me to her.

Did you give him a bj?

Answer yes.

Next question.

Did you swallow?

No. I just spit it into a water bottle that was next to me.

Whatever???

I'll never get the whole truth about everything, even if it is the whole truth.

Where is Bill Clinton when you need him?

My fWW did both to the OM.

But she had refused oral to me because it was "disgusting".

Sex is so personal, so it would make sense to get lots of different answers to what's the most intimate for people.

For me, it's oral sex on the woman. When I found out that WH didn't do that for OW in any of their 30 or so sexual encounters, I was relieved. It confirmed for me his story of interactions that were not sensual or loving. He didn't care whether she orgasmed or not. Knowing WH, that means he didn't love or respect her, and he didn't love or respect her body.

As far as deal breakers, I've thrown out the concept for me. I have to experience these things and live with them awhile in order to slowly learn what I can deal with. So far, with a completely remorseful WH, it turns out that I can handle way more than I ever would have imagined.

No oral makes R one step easier for me (because it jibes with WH's story) but it's a long journey with a lot of steps.

[Edited because I felt like my post was unnecessarily triggery and "holy than thou" about A's without oral.]

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:38 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Oral sucks (literally)

I found out that she often gave BJ's and swallowed (she always has) but he was never willing to give her that. It was a small comfort to realize that he didn't respect her enough to even try to give her pleasure. The OM was very selfish. And yet she didn't have the self respect to see that and stand up for her needs....and some point I'm hoping that realization hits her and bears fruit in our R. Incidentally, she'll never be able to say she doesn't like giving BJ's again! (Though I also found out that the reason she was so willing was because they didn't take much work....OM had some serious premature ejaculation issues!(consolation prize?)

[This message edited by WastedEffort at 12:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Sometimes I think the oral sex hurts more and sometimes I think the vaginal sex hurts more. Oral sex is tough because when he went down on her it was purely to make her feel good, he doesn't really get anything from it. Where if it had been just him F-ing her I could pretend he just wanted to get off. Oral is kind of his specialty too, he is really really good at it. He said she didn't seem to like it much. I've always wondered if he did it long enough to get her to orgasm or not but I can't bring myself to ask. The fact that she gave him oral doesn't bother me as much as him doing it to her for some reason.

When he first told me he had sex with her in my naive little mind I thought well surely they only did it once and then realized it had been a horrible horrible mistake and surely there was no oral or I love you's or anything.....then slowly the depth of it became clearer and clearer.

I agree we all try to look at well it could have been worse and if it had been worse we would leave but I agree that you don't know until the situation slaps you in the face. I always thought cheating was a deal breaker until it wasn't. I often think a LTA or OC would be a deal breaker but at this point who knows? Apparently I'm willing to tolerate more then I ever imagined. Sigh.

My fWW did both to the OM.

But she had refused oral to me because it was "disgusting".

Willing to do it for him but not for me? That would have been a deal breaker for me.