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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For WS & BS: Unresolved feelings for the AP
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Question  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW and I have been in R for roughly 3 months now, and she has disclosed to me that she still has "unresolved feelings about the A". But she is working to resolve them. She also revealed a month or two ago that she was "in love" with her AP.

My question is this: how long did it take you to fully resolve your feelings for your AP (especially if you felt you were in love with your AP)? And during that time, could you truly commit your heart to your BS? While likely being fully committed to R, how are you able to do so while still having unresolved feelings about the A and/or the AP?

My WW has been NC with her AP for around 3 months now, at least in terms of any direct communication with him, but 100% FULLY NC for 1 month now, as she disclosed to me that she was checking in on him on Facebook up until a month ago.

Any and all advice or comments (from WS or BS) is very much appreciated.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While likely being fully committed to R, how are you able to do so while still having unresolved feelings about the A and/or the AP?

You can't. You aren't in true R or fully committed R if there are still feelings for the AP.

If she is still checking on the OM and watching his FB, her focus is still affair mentality, until she gives you 10000% - there isn't true R.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lucky,

Thanks for your reply.

I wanted to clarify something my WW said. She was emphatic that she does not have unresolved feelings for her actual AP. But rather, for the A, in general. I don't know if that makes sense or not (it doesn't really to me, at least at this time). But she insists the unresolved feelings are for the A, in general.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to clarify something my WW said. She was emphatic that she does not have unresolved feelings for her actual AP. But rather, for the A, in general. I don't know if that makes sense or not (it doesn't really to me, at least at this time). But she insists the unresolved feelings are for the A, in general.

I'd trust that sort of hair-splitting statement about as far as I could comfortably spit a rat.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think romantacizing the affair would send me through the roof. That would be a good subject to work through in therapy.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
WastedEffort
♂ New Member
Member # 39125
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe they may think they were "in love", but I think a lot of that is the bubble. I can clearly see from all she's shared that my wife's AP wasn't all she thought. I waiting for her to really see it. She admits that if a friend of her described that she was in love with a guy treating her the way she was treated....she would've said get out! That's how crazy the bubble is. I do believe it's likely that your wife does miss the A, that's the addiction. 3-6 months is the going timeline for that to dissolve from my reading materials. It should remind you that she is a broken person too. After all, broken people often become something they're not and addicted to unhealthy things.

Just my 2 cents.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Theradin,

I could have written this post myself. My wife has expressed almost an identical feeling towards her OM.

I do not know for sure that my wife is NOT checking in on him...actively or passively.

My wife sent him an email back in November...it was reported to me that he did NOT respond. I have checked on her KNOWN ways of communicating with OM and nothing to the contrary was found...so I have no new facts to contradict what she has told me.

Given this...we are a true 5 months out from NC.

I agree with Lucky in that if WS is spending time on FB or other active means of engaging the AP true R has yet to start.

But is this not a process for our WS too? We can and should expect them to choose to stop the active parts of the A if they are to remain in our marriages...but is it realistic to expect all feelings inside their minds to dissappear as abruptly as NC? Is it not a double standard to insist on the truth, and then expect them to say their are no remaining feelings towards the AP so soon after NC is really established?

Our wives choosing to have an A rather then spend that energy within our marriage was an unhealthy choice. This unhealthy choice, in our case, was made with another married man who also made the same unhealthy choice. And even though I believe some of the facts and assumptions that were used by my wife to make this choice possible and real were not 100% accurate or true...REAL feelings did develop. I dont see how true R can take place by ignoring this fact. Perhaps true R cant take place until our wives completely deal with these lingering feelings?

This is a topic for a trained counselor...as I dont know the answer.

Are you in MC? If yes, would you mind bringing this up in counseling and posting the results back to this thread? I am in MC and will plan to discuss this on Monday.

I believe my wife is serious about doing what she can to make our marriage work and grow again. I want to too...I want to do this realistically this time...this past fall, while maybe necessary, cost us time and money as the fog was very thick within my wife and I was in shock and on the roller coaster.

Keep in touch....I just noticed you as a member and, as i view your posts, feel we are similar. Our need to ask many detailed questions, your analytical approach to problems, even your examples used to express yourself all resonate with me. (even the length of our posts are similar!)

Glad you are on here.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you asked for both BS and WS responses...Here's my opinion.

There is a distinction between feelings for the AP and feeling for the A. It is very difficult for many WS's to make that distinction, as it seems much more normal for someone to be able to direct feelings at someone rather than at some intangible thing.

As to your question about the length of time...it took me about two years from the time the MOW went NC with me until I was able to even recognize the difference between feelings for the AP from feelings for the A. We consider that the start of R, but then my BW discovered false-R, as I didn't delete a few things off my work computer, so really, it was more like 2-1/2 to 3 years before I could work through those feelings.

Yes, the WS should be able to drop the A and the AP immediately. Yes, they never should have done this in the first place, and to expect any BS to put up with their WS mourning/working through emotions that developed out of something so hurtful and cruel seems unreasonable, even unthinkable. But, she did tell you. Even if it continues to hurt, she is sharing this information with you, and that is something many WS don't do, can't do at all, with their BS. That tells me that your WS is aware and wants to fix things. They just need to find their own path. As long as they continue to share and figure out or work through all of these emotions, then I think there is a good chance that they will come through it and make the choice from their heart that they want their BS and their M.

Throughout all of this, it is always the BS prerogative to not wait for their WS to work through these emotions. It is a choice you have to make.

Have you read about the addictive nature of some A's? As your WW continues to work through this stuff, she may begin to realize that the emotions are the result of brain chemistry changes that happen during the A. Google "12 Ways to recover from an Emotional Affair" and read #6, 7 and 8. It might help you both to put things in perspective.

I think that you can be in R, or at least working toward R, while the WS is doing this work, but I would suggest you distance yourself and keep yourself protected in case your WW succumbs to these feelings again.

Good luck.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your W said she was in love, what did she mean? For example, she could mean:

'Now, 2 months after the end of the A, I'm in love with om.'

or

'During the A I was in love with om.'

Big difference - if it's option 2, IMO it's par for the course for many people who R successfully.

If it's option 1, it's a big obstacle to R unless she changes her feelings.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:09 PM, May 4th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she has disclosed to me that she still has "unresolved feelings about the A".

All I can say is that for me, there would have never been any R or chance for R if my H showed any sign of feelings for her at all after D-day.

I was already planning to D him and called a lawyer to make an appointment the next day after D-day #2. But he pleaded for another chance and because it was December, I decided to give him until "after the holidays" just to see what he would do. I was curious, but expected him to fail and figured I'd be going ahead with the D in 2007. But he surpassed my expectations by far and immediately threw the OW under the bus. If I had saw any signs he had "unresolved feelings" in the months after that, that would have been the end.

I realize I am not "typical." Part of the reason I take such a hard line is because my first H was a serial cheater. I filed for a D two days after the last D-day and never looked back. I don't want to be with anybody (including my spouse) if he does not want to be with me as much, or more than I want to be with him. And I have zero tolerance for my man having romantic or unresolved feelings for anyone else.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 10

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