He agreed to it, but he doesn't like taking care of the kids by himself.
Is it fair to ask someone for transparency when you won't give it yourself?
but if I had to justify coming here and not telling (him) about it, I would say:
I think our visits here fall under group therapy/support... and as such, I believe, we have the right to keep SI confidential -- especially when the WS is not cooperative / involved in the healing process.
Also, we are anonymous, even more so than we would be at a in-person/face-to-face meeting... so you're not violating his privacy.
About his objections to your not letting him be physical with you -- After D-Day2, when I knew SOMETHING was going on, I did not want him to touch me... BUT I let him because he was VERY insistent --- I totally REGRET IT. (A couple of days later, he confessed that there was someone but no PA). I SO SO WISH I had not let him pressure me into sex. I remember turning away... turning my face, saying no -- no... near tears... and he insisting verbally and physically - to the point I said "If you keep this up its rape." At which point he jumped up, and stormed out of the room uttering some choice words. I got to the edge of the bed and sat there wrecked/spent / upset... He came back, sat next to me and put his arms around me in a consoling manner... and I was so vulnerable --- and wanted the closeness and comfort -- so I accepted it. This led again to him making a move for sex -- which I STILL did not want, but I allowed because apparently that was the price I had to pay for the 'comfort' I wanted.
My point is, I so regret it -- I felt manipulated, weak, used, violated -- "yucky" -- you name it.
Only reason I didn't/don't beat myself up about it is because I realize I let it happen because I did not have confirmation that there was a PA.
(not that I ever got that - but it ended up not mattering because he wouldn't break off contact with OW).
Just sharing so you don't end up regretting anything Purple Birch... and don't worry SO much about fair -- they owe us... that's MY opinion... sorry if that is offensive to anyone. I think we need to take care of ourselves, especially when our WS is not helpful.
I understand how manipulative these POSs can be as my xWW is one also. They want you to be totally open, but themselves hide everything. Very secretive.
Worst of all, they have serious issues of trust. He can't trust you, because of his own infidelities, but that is not your problem to fix. It's his.
I'd have him move out and if he refuses, you and the kiddos move out.
There definitely needs to be time apart.
[This message edited by la433 at 9:59 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]
I would also be worried about him sitting in the dark in the kitchen. That sounds very emotionally detached for the WS.
It may help to print out some of the articles in here for him to read. Like what to expect and what you feel/going through. So he knows that you are not alone in the way you are dealing with it and it is perfectly normal.
I can hold my head up high and look at myself in the mirror with dignity.
I don't want to tell him about this site though. I know he would find this post and be super upset. Plus, this is a place where I feel I can share what's going on. If he knows, it won't be mine anymore.
He offered to move out. Perhaps I should take him up on it. I'm not giving in the way he wants, but it is stresseful being "on guard" all the time. I know he will have to continue to support the kids even if he's not living with us, I just want to make sure I'm a bit more stable before we go that route. I go back to work in September, but I won't get any money for July & August. I could probably do rent for August, but I couldn't move out now and still be able to pay rent for those two months. I hope that all makes sense...
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
We've been talking about Mazlow's pyramid because it falls into what the MC was talking about, and my course is dealing with that right now. I read him a quote from an article regarding fathers and rejection. I asked him why he couldn't do the little things that don't take any effort. For example, yesterday he actually came for a walk with us. Our oldest was picking white dandelions to blow wishes on. He gave one to me & tried to give one to dad, but WH refused his. ODS was very disappointed. So today when he asked me what was up, I said "why can't you just do things like that? You're breathing. It's not like you had to go out of your way to make him happy". He goes away for a few, then comes to my room and shuts the door. He says "remember the pyramid? I can't do anything when this isn't fixed. I'm distracted". To which I replied: "you think I'm not distracted?!? But I still take our kids well-being into consideration. I can't just fall apart".
Ugh. I was looking at apartment ads today. I really can't afford to move out before August at the very earliest, but I'm worried there'll be nothing iny price range (or nothing at all!). I know some people think WS should be the one to move, but we're on the military base. Since I'm not the member, I can only stay for a little while.
When he gets so mad like that I wonder if he'd try to kick us out. Thanks for listening.
but we're on the military base
Yea, get an apartment as quick as you can. His actions towards son is unacceptable.
Also, I don't buy his reason for treating son the way he did. I think he was indirectly hurting you more because you won't just let it go and fuck him and let him watch you in the shower. I seem to remember that he was frustrated about the lack of sex from you (not that you should at all). So yes, he's mad at you for not just doing what he wants. And yes he does sound like a sex addict.
He was cranky today because he asked if he could watch me shower and I said no
This is a man with ZERO - I repeat - ZERO remorse for all the crap he's visited on you and your marriage.
All he's concerned about is what's below his belt and getting his rocks off.
Please visit that lawyer.
I need to see a lawyer, you're absolutely right. I should have called legal aid today. I can't afford a lawyer. I spent most of the day working on school assignments though, and lost track of time. School is really important right now because it'll help me make more money, which means I can support my kids better. It's really intense though. There's so much work to do. I guess I've been using it as a bit of an escape though.