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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I answered the OW
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's OW's BH also abused her. Poor thing.

For the whole 10 yrs she and my H knew each other, through their whole 8 yr affair, she was always getting ready to leave her mean ol' H and his abusive ways.

My H felt bad for the poor little skank. So he stuck by her side, like the upstanding honest man of integrity we knew him to be.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in our situation claimed abuse also. I spoke with her BS and found out some things that I did not know. Not only was he not an abuser.....he had no idea she was telling people this. It could have cost him his job. He and his lawyer handled it.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3965 | Registered: Aug 2007
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I can understand that an abused wife would cheat on her husband. I can totally understand that she would be looking for someone to rescue her. Doesnt make it ok or a better reason to cheat. There are other options.

But having said that most of the time the OW are lying about that. Just like they lie about having cancer or being pregnant. And yes, if I truly believed she was being abused Id be afraid to say anything to the husband. Thats just how I feel.

As for the email OW sent you its CLEAR in her last sentence that she was making a point there she wants to feel safe that her BH wont find out and wants some reassurance. Personally, if that were me Id write her back tell her who you are and here is what Id say-

Im the keeper or your dirty little secret but just how long I intend to keep that secret is up to me. I hope you like surprises.

Thats exactly what I told the OW in my situation and yes I did surprise her when she least expected it.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Nov 2007
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW in my sitch lied and said she was an abused spouse. It was the ruse she used to get close to my H so she could get his sympathy and friendship. Then the seduction started. After DD, my FWH dumped her ass. Her BH never abused her, ever. They are divorced now and she is living with a man that is younger than her children. She lied to con my H. Then she kept lying to kept me from telling her BH (he was her husband #4). I NEVER believed it and said so. Then she changed her story and said she wasn't in a real marriage. He was paying her so he could get a green card. Turns out she was still lying. She blocked me from his FB and tried to kept me from contacting him. She was the OW in his marriage. Bitch has a history of whoring, cheating, and stealing husbands. She thought my H would be her number 5. She soon learned her mistake.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is probably lying. IF not - that's her problem.
Her husband deserves to know his wife is a CHEATER.
I'd tell her.
Make sure you don't let your WH know, either. Otherwise he might warn her!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is probably lying. IF not - that's her problem.
Her husband deserves to know his wife is a CHEATER.
I'd tell her.
Make sure you don't let your WH know, either. Otherwise he might warn her!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may or may not know you have access, but I say she was fishing.

"I won't write again, but please email me back and comfort me" is a ploy to get him to start communicating with her again. It tells her he is still checking the account and if he answers, it tells her that he will still talk to her.

Does your county/city have online police/court records? You could check and see if there are any complaints against the husband.

I would never recommend putting a human being in danger and that includes OW. If you really believe he is abusive, I wouldn't reveal to him. If you don't think he is abusive, then tell the BH and that way she doesn't need to worry any more.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to call him on the phone with a blocked number. They don't accept blocked numbers so I have to figure something out.

A friend told me to print out the emails they exchanged and send them to him in registered mail. I might do that. I don't know how much he would want to know though. I don't want to cause him pain.

I doubt he is that abusive. They have been married 27 years and her main complaint to my husband was that he was emotionally distant. Funny I could have said the same thing about my husband toward me.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to cause him pain.

You're not causing him pain. His WW and your WH are, just as they are to you.

Though I haven't done it myself yet (I work overseas), I would recommend personally handing the printed emails to the BH of the OW without saying anything except that you thought he should know, and leave.

My xWW has tried to claim even to me that I have kept her sheltered and away from society, when the truth is I never once stopped her from doing anything she wanted EVER. It's a lie. My point: THEY LIE. Even if what she says were true, how would you know for sure unless you saw it with your own eyes? Or saw a police report with photos? AND, even if you did, how does saving her become your responsibility? But the likelihood of it being true is very, very low.

Remember, when someone decides to cheat, they have decided to give their minds over to evil, and truth can no longer reside in a mind filled with evil. It is really that simple.

Is reconciliation possible? Some claim it is. But the truth is that there will always be a shred of doubt, and you have to decide if you can live with that doubt. I myself haven't decided yet if I can. Besides she hasn't asked to R because she doesn't think she's done any wrong--which is also usually the case.

Most cheaters don't really believe they have done anything wrong. If you carefully listen to what they say, you will hear a rebellious voice telling you that they don't believe they've done anything wrong or sinful and if they did, they don't really care.

Just sayin...be skeptical.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the letter from the OW that I read to my IC. When she told me she believed that the OW was really writing it for me, I agreed. She was actually validating my feelings. I thought that the first time I read it, mostly because I knew that there were so many lies in it. It doesn't take much mind reading to see that she wants me to keep her secret from her BH.

Actually, I disagree. Based on the emails I read from xOW2 and many others I have read in my years on SI.

The lies are irrelevant. APs are in a state of mind that rewrites their reality. It's most obvious when the M history is rewritten, but it also happens as the A ends. I think the term is cognitive dissonance.

Quite frequently OW and xOW attempt to portray themselves as the loving, understanding alternative. After all, the BW must be a shrew or the WH wouldnt have cheated on her. He just needs to remember the loving OW and all they shared...

It sounds like, IMO, the xOW is trying to get reassurance by calling up your WH's KISA traits while assuring him that really, their A was harmless. It's a guilt trip designed to restart the A and testing to see if you have access to the secret email yet.

She has nobody to focus on but your WH since she's turned from her BH and M. Telling the BH would give her something else to focus on.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is KISA? I looked in the dictionary and couldn't find it.

I can see that she may be writing it to dh. It still sounds like she is tiptoeing in case I had access to it. Now she knows I do. She wrote me back.


Yes, of course you are right. Life has been quite humbling. Thank you.
OW

I do plan to let her husband know. They live in another state so its not as easy as handing him the emails. A friend suggested sending them registered mail.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what if she emails my husband on his other account and lets him know. I want to tell her husband.

So what? Your husband shouldn't have a problem with it if he is wanting to R the marriage. If he does have a problem with it, he simply wants to protect her which you shouldn't have to put up with.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learning:
KISA: Knight in Shining Armor.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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