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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out two weeks ago
notsure418
♂ New Member
Member # 39178
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:23 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Wisconsin
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, notsure, welcome to SI. I am so so sorry you are dealing with the excruciating pain of infidelity.

I am on my way out, but I want to impress one thing upon you.....you did not cause her to cheat, you did not "drive her to cheat." Cheating is a choice, she owns her own actions. There are always other options, communication, separation, counseling.

Have you checked phone records or other accounts to verify your suspicions?

IMO, it is always a good thing to expose the affair to the OM wife (the best way to end an A), but I would not do it unless I had undeniable proof, hard evidence.

Keep in mind cheaters lie and lie and lie. Even if you confront her, pretty much she will deny.

Others will be along shortly, weekends a bit slow.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as best as you can.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that you have had to come here notsure.

This is the right place to come to get support and advice for your situation. We have all been swimming in the same sea, so please take your time here.

In the time I have been here on SI, I don't believe I have ever heard of anyone who, when asking the WS if they are cheating, have had the reply, 'yes'.

Gather all the information you can, and most certainly 'out' your WGF to the OM's wife, but be sure you have evidence that is irrefutable before you do. I have heard many here say that this is essential, so that those in the A cannot turn it on you and say that YOU are lying/mad/making it up.

While you cannot think of anything else for a single moment right now, you need to take care of your physical well being.

Don't let your GF make you think that you have any responsobility for the choices SHE has made. This is most emphatically NOT YOUR FAULT.

Everything we do as humans is a conscious choice. She chose to cheat, she chooses to lie about it and she chooses to cover it up.

YOU should choose to protect yourself.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
jackson
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes you should expose this A to the OM's BW. Do not tell your WGF that you are going to tell the other BS...just do it. If I were you I would tell her before confronting your WGF. The other BS may be able to supply you with info which you currently do not have. Hopefully the other BS will become an ally in shutting the A down. Get your message straight before confronting your WGF and don't let her gaslight you. Be strong.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Brokenheart777
♂ Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notsure,
Just want to say that everyone else her, as usual, is right on point with their advice. Uncovering the A for what it truly is is the best course of actions. OM's BW definitely deserves to know but you have to be sure that you have concrete evidence.

I would also like to speak on the digging that you are doing on yourself. This is okay. To dig deep and look inward on your own faults in the relationship, separate of the A, is growth and that's good for you. DO NOT view these insights as things that "drove" your WGF to cheat because that is complete bullshit. Being broken, selfish, having weak boundaries, coping mechanisms and many other things are catalysts for Ws to cheat, NOT SOMETHING YOU did. There are a million other far better options than cheating.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry your here. If I were you I'd keep digging. You have reason to be suspicious, but no hard proof!!! Confronting now will get you more denials. Check her texts and call log online if you have access. Check her Facebook and her emails. If you do not have passwords, a good keylogger will get them. Again, do not confront without solid proof!!!

Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
notsure418
♂ New Member
Member # 39178
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm

[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:19 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Wisconsin
HeavyE
♂ Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Since your phone call to your WGF I would bet the house that they are already in panic mode and have come up with "answer" to whatever you have. Still, doesn't matter. I kind of want to hear what bullshit story they will come up with.

Yes, expose to the OM wife. She deserves to know. As others have already pointed out, do not tell your WGF you are going to do this. Just do it. Tomorrow.

When you contact her tell her you have evidence and offer to share it with her.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. A girls weekend....but your gf comes back on Tuesday? I'm willing to bet that the OM is meeting her there. Call the OMs wife!!!

Posts: 1545 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotSure, I am so sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself and try to be calm. You deserve a good honest relationship. No one is perfect and everyone has issues. A good person who loves you will help you with them, not cheat on you because of them. She had many options other than cheating. Don't blame yourself for her choice. You should contact the wife to find out what she knows. This postnuptial may mean that she found out and this is what the result of her finding out was. Your cheating GF will lie lie lie. You need proof, she will not give it to you. You could hire a PI, I think they could get phone records to see how often they are in contact. It seems like you already have alot of proof, though. What worked for me was putting a voice activated recorder in his car and listening to the conversations he had in there. Her having a password on her phone means that she wants to hide something.
((Big Hug)) to you. Keep strong.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
notsure418
♂ New Member
Member # 39178
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I

[This message edited by notsure418 at 8:18 PM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Wisconsin
HeavyE
♂ Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused on your last post. Since I began to type a reply I see you have removed your post. Has your WGF found you posting on this site and you are now scared she will see what your plans are?

Did you expose or was the letter written to expose?

but I feel so much guilt for what I did.

I wouldn't give a second thought.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Topic Posts: 12

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