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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: so now what
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so my WH has spoken with my mother and has told her that there is absolutely nothing but friendship between him and OW. she came to me yesterday with this and she believes him. Her being a divorced spouse makes me wonder if she is right. She knows what it's like to be left by the man she loves and betrayed by him. now I don't know what to think. Do I believe that this is strictly just a friendship or do I still go with my gut. It's hard to figure out what I'm feeling when my own family is turning against me and taking his side. I know that texting a friend is OK but at the frequency that it was being done, almost everyday, I really start to wonder if that is just a friendship. I have a lot of friends and I don't text them everyday so why would he, of all people, who just learned how to text within the last year, text a "friend" almost everyday like that? honestly am I overreacting or is there something more to it than what meets the eye. My story and journal and profile are all public you can read it to get the background story on this if you need to. I'm just about at my wits end that my own mother is going against me.


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry... but if he is manipulating you, why wouldn't he manipulate your mother too???
I'd go with my gut.... every time! Someone who is constantly texting another person who is not their spouse has a serious issue. For now just keep a close eye on things and see what you find. Is he hiding things from you? Is all his other behavior indicating there is more? I always go with my gut instinct. Monitor everything closely... if it is an A you will find out...

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your story. I'm so sorry. He is lying to you and to your mother. Don't let him convince you that you are wrong. It is NOT normal for a married man to have such a close friendship with another woman. Certainly not to the degree he becomes angry over the potential loss of the friendship with some bartender in a bar he frequented...I mean think about it. He smashed his phone because you asked him to not talk to some woman who doesn't mean anything to him? Not. He is invested, heavily. So heavily that he is willing to risk his marriage to keep this friendship that is "just friends". That is not normal. He is a classic case of WS and you need to put your foot down. It is completely disrespectful to you to say "You can't tell me who to be friends with" when it is a woman that he has lied about and hid and done God knows what else with. He wants his friendship so bad with her, pack his bags and let him go have it. You don't get to have a wife and "girlfriend".

I wish you strength and conviction. You are not wrong.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 540 | Registered: Apr 2009
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...why would he, of all people, who just learned how to text within the last year, text a "friend" almost everyday like that?

I think that there is way more to it than friendship. What really stuck out was that he just started texting last year. How long has he known this woman. About the same time as when the texting began...HUMMM...

Perhaps you could both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It did wonders for Mr. Happy and I. If he resists, you have more info for your 'Gut'.

...honestly am I overreacting or is there something more to it than what meets the eye.

I think you know that answer to that. Its up to you how long you will take it. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that your crazy! Follow your gut instincts.

And your WH talking to your mom and her agreeing with him really does feel like your being ganged up on. She should back away from your issues with your WH. Maybe she is projecting on to your marriage what she wishes her marriage would have been.

"Their really just friends stilltrying2025!!"
UGGGH!

The fact that he is giving so much time an energy to this 'friendship' is worrisome at best. It is crappy that he cannot see that he is hurting you by not giving you that kind of focus.

Can you put a VAR in his car or install some keylogger on his cell to see what he is saying??

((((stilltrying2025))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the saddest part about this whole thing is now I'm sitting in the park smoking cigarettes and drinking beer just trying to cover up the pain. I've been out of the house for 2 hours and I've been checking the cell phone bill for those two hours but nothing is shown up. I'm giving him ample time to do is calling or is texting whatever he needs to do with this woman and is not doing it. I'm just worried when the next time is it he's going to do it. It throws me into such a panic mode that I feel nauseous dizzy and want to vomit. I'm really debating on contacting her. I also have the phone number for her boyfriend and I'm debating on calling him too. I have another IC on Thursday and I'm going to ask my counselor just what she thinks. I can't keep living this way. His whole attitude towards me is never changed. He still talks to me the same, he still comes home every night kama he still text me if he's going to be late coming home, he still has physical contact with me, and he's still doing things with me. Is a cover up? I just don't know. I'm sick of being manipulated. I'm sick of wondering what on earth is going on. This whole thing has encompass my life. I can't go to work for one day and not have to check the cell phone bill at least 20 times during that day. I can't even go to the bathroom a telling myself hey all you have to do is pee stop thinking. That is how much this affair, emotional, has affected my life. I'm desperately trying to do a 180 but I'm afraid if I leave him too much time on his hands so get bored and start texting her again. I shouldn't even worry about it. I should just move on with my life and learn to be as independent as possible. But that is so much easier said than done. Thank you so much for your comments please know that I take them all the heart and I don't know what I would do right now if I didn't have the support of this group. You all mean a lot to me even though I don't know you!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry...if it really just innocent, why wouldn't he save the texts to show you and say, "see honey? Nothing for you to worry about!" hell! after a month of reading their mundane texts you'd be so bored you wouldn't want to read another one. But no...he's deleting them, either because theyre not innocent, or he doesn't want "reality" (his wife) intruding on fantasy. Let Mom know she's free to allow her partners to have secret female friends and conduct secret conversations, but you will not be gaslighted.

BTW...you know this will never end until your H feels some consequences. What's your plan ?


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoraLee: As of yet I don't have a plan. I'm so beside myself that I can't think straight. Hopefully once these depression meds kick in and I can quit crying and dwelling on the situation I'll be able to think more clearly and come up with something. Right now, all I feel is pain......


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nora's right about the deleted texts. There's absolutely no good reason for them to be deleted. I can think of at least 2 bad ones, though. The deleted texts either portray a relationship that is *more than* friendship, or that he's a cruel, insensitive bastard who has *power* issues (because he feels it necessary to *delete* innocent texts and leave you in agony wondering what they say). Neither bodes well for you.

Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

P.S. Your mom doesn't get a vote. Tell her to butt out.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really debating on contacting her. I also have the phone number for her boyfriend and I'm debating on calling him too.

Why not? You don't have to be the crazy, jealous wife. Just keep to the facts. I would start with the boyfriend.

Please don't let on to your husband that you are going to make contact. He will collude with her to get their stories straight!

Also, have you considered that he just went and got a "go phone"? If he was stressing about his 'friendship' and now is not texting on him regular cell, he may have taken it underground with a throw away phone...

I am sorry that you are suffering. Infidelity SUCKS!

Try not to ruminate too much. Take some action. Knowledge is power. Put a sweet face on and go into stealth mode. He wont know what hit him!!!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the thing. Let's give your husband the benefit of the doubt and say he is NOT engaging in an affair. The fact of the matter is his friendship with her makes YOU uncomfortable, and he needs to considerate of that. Since you are his wife/SO, then your feelings trumps anyone else, and he should be willing to give that friendship up. IMO


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
NowWhat106
♀ Member
Member # 35497
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is way more than just a friendship from the way he has reacted.

How about this? If it's so innocent, he can stop deleting all those innocent texts and let you read them. If he won't do that, he obviously has something to hide. Friendships are not dirty secrets.

He's now trying to manipulate you through your mom and trying to make you look unreasonable and irrational to other people to protect this "friendship." How friendly is that to you?


Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
Status: We'll see.

Posts: 296 | Registered: May 2012
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his whole reasoning for deleting the text messages is because he knows if I see him I'll just get mad. I told them I'm madder if I can't see them.he just refuses to listen to me.at some point in time here I am going to figure this out its just right now I am in such a deep depression and have so much physical and emotional pain going on that I can't see what's right and what's wrong. My emotional pain is beyond what I could ever imagine a person going through. I feel as if I've lost my own child. That pain can not be more then the worst thing ever feel and that's how I'm feeling now honestly if it wasn't for my kids and granddaughter I would be out... Death seems a lot easier than what I'm going through. when I met this man 24 years ago I never thought I would have to worry about this. Its mean to say but he is not that attractive.when I met this man I love him for his personality not his looks. And no 24 years later have to deal with this it just kills me. But I hope he also looks at it that I've lost over 50 pounds I'm wearing a size 7-8 jeans, almost to 5-6, and no other guys are looking at me. I hope that it makes him a little bit jealous. I have no intentions on stooping to his level and doing what he's doing or having an all of the fair but I just want to hurt half as much as I do. Some days I will get my head out of my butt and figure this out. Right now I'm just very happy I have the support of this group. Without you guys it could be a lot worse. Hugs to everyone who is going through this... We don't deserve this.


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
jackson
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contact the OW's BF and enlist his aid in sorting out the truth. Perhaps the OW hasn't been so diligent in deleting.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
sparklingwater
♀ Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your WH have any male friends that he texts as often? Probably not.

If he also rings her to talk, then a VAR might be helpful if working out what sort of a relationship they have.

Those with nothing to hide, don't need to hide things. They are open and transparent.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember checking the phone bills online as much as you do. You aren't the first. I think a VAR might yield some info here. Gas lighting you and allowing you to suffer this way because of his actions is abuse.

Mom is being played. Trust your gut.


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like me 2 years ago.

I could not think straight at all.

Can you afford a PI? They cost between 500 - 1500.

Please listen to this: The very best thing you can do is go talk to the boyfriend. They may have already gotten to him, but it's ok. If you talk to him and tell him your concerns, he may say you are crazy, but believe me, he will start being more aware, and in the next couple of months he may finally hit pay dirt and believe you. Please copy any texts you have and hurry to him.

The counselor will prob say to let it go, as mine did, but really the long term SIers here are right as far as informing the bf now. Like I said, tell him but don't expect an outcome just yet. Can you show him the phone bill? He may pull up their phone records and find more.

Then you go into stealth mode. Act like you are starting to believe him. Its for your sanity. It will give you time to heal your mind and then decide what to do.

In my case,I changed the locks on the house, filed for legal separation. I told my H you have 24 hours to make a decision. You can come clean about the whole thing, go into counseling with me, stop all communication with her or I'm done.

He told me I was crazy.
I went to atty and filed.

He asked 2 times to come back, but I held firm. I told him NOT without MC.

He chose her.

I SO regret not telling her H at the very beginning. I was intimidated like you are. I thought it would push them together if he kicked her out. All it did was give them more freedom to sneak around.

Tell her BF, but don't expect anything right away. However, many SIers (guys included) have posted when they are on the way to talk to other bs and they are nervous. Many times the other spouse thanks them bc they thought something was up, but couldn't figure it out.

Post often, we are here for you.

Affairs are like mushroom, they thrive in the dark, but when light is shined on them, they wither up and die.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:23 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Amazingly in this same topic is another spouse wondering what to do! The title is:

"Dilemma! Telling ow bh, small children in marriage!"

The OW actually emailed this woman begging her not to tell her husband! These people do not like to be outed! But it's honest and it's the right thing to do.

Also, at first I thought I had to catch them right then and there to "prove" I was right. Try to sit back. This is going to be ongoing most likely and you'll have other chances. They probably are going to be careful for a couple of weeks, but by the middle of june, they will be easier to catch most likely. But please tell the bf so he can be watching, too.

It's like when someone is with an alcoholic and they keep trying to find the alcohol so they can prove the H is an alcoholic. If they would just sit back, within a month the person is going to be drinking again.

You don't have to "prove" anything today, you'll have your chance.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:27 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smart phones have a lot of apps... chances are he is using one of them to communicate.

You need the 180 (BS FAQ #11 in the Healing Library), and a gym membership to get you out of the house. Find one with a pool if you can't picture working out right now. Start doing stuff for you and focusing on you asap.

The idea that your mom is willing to ignore those big red flags is disconcerting (hopeful wishing and living in denial?). You've got an EA here at the least, maybe your mom is thinking that it isn't the same kind of animal as a PA... she'd be wrong about that.

((st2025))

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:17 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know this is an EA whether I can see the messages or not. He's so devoted to this "friendship" I don't know how he or anyone else can deny it. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride, just like everyone else on this site. I read the post about "Dilemma" and it's spot on as to where I'm at. I'm just going to sit back and watch for a few weeks and see what happens. He'll be going on the road for work and will be within 50 minutes of where she lives. Good thing I have counseling sessions each week while he's gone because I'm pretty sure my sanity will be tested. Also a good thing that I have the meds on board too. It supposed to be nice this week so I'll be doing a lot of walking; during my lunch (since I don't each anyways) and after work. When he's gone I don't have to worry about having supper ready.

I'm so scared to do too much changing as I feel I will just push him further and further away and I don't want that. I want my husband. I love my husband. Damnit....why do I have to have so much turmoil in my life.

I saw yesterday as he was showing me some pictures of his childhood home being torn down that he had taken some new pictures of our Granddaughter. Wonder how long it will take him to send them to her? She doesn't need to know what my Granddaughter looks like. This pisses me off and my daughters.

I'm going to try and work on me these next few days and see how it goes. Gotta take 1 day at a time and do baby steps. Thankfully I have support from a couple of friends who have been through similar situations and all of YOU on this site to encourage me. I can't thank you all enough.


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a private message.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 22
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