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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: world completely flipped
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I found out a week and a half ago that my husband was cheating on me. At first I just thought it was a woman at work, and going on for a few weeks, but as the days went on and I uncovered more information I found out that it spans 3 women and 5 years.

We've been together for 7 years, married for 2. We have a 19 month old daughter, and I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with a baby that we had actively been trying to have for a few months.

He's staying with a family member currently, and my daughter and I are at home. He did write an email to his parents, my dad, and close friends revealing what he has done over the past 5 years. He wrote it after I had uncovered everything. Everyone was shocked. He was lying to his mom about it at first, and both of them were trying to turn it around on me, it sucked.

Right now both of us are in therapy individually but haven't attended couples therapy yet. I told him he needs to see his therapist twice a week for awhile before we start couples therapy. Both of us have also been reading some books, one of them is a book we're reading at the same time to discuss it after chapters - 'Not Just Friends'.

i'm just trying to make it day by day right now. I'm currently in school, and it's finals week. I've been trying to maintain a 4.0 gpa for the semester, so everything that has happened has really thrown me off.

my friends think i'm handling it wonderfully, but i know i'm struggling. we're still sleeping together, but i won't let him stay over. i am organizing visits so he can see our daughter, and he knows that i have started my own bank account and have contacted a lawyer.

he keeps telling me how much he loves me, how much he fucked up, that all he thought about was himself and never imagined the amount of destruction that his actions would cause.

Of course, that's not how he was acting right after I found out. He was just angry, giving me excuses, telling me he needs time, that he loves me but doesn't know if he's still in love with me.. AND, even though the workbroad knew about my daughter and I ( i talked to her through text message), and she was very apologetic to me, telling me she'd never get involved with him if she knew, they were continuing to talk for up to two days later, she was still sending him pictures, telling him that he could make it up to her, she wanted to be there with him, telling him everything i said, mocking me. I didn't send her anything nasty, I just texted her when I found out and said that I was WS's wife, that i was pregnant, that we had a daughter, that he was lying to both of us, etc. After I found out she was still messing around with him I called her a bitch and told her she's a terrible person. Not my shining moment, but I hate her guts.

The relationship with her was all sexting and talking on the phone, sending pics back and forth. After WS changes jobs I want to call and get her fired. I saved transcripts between them in case of divorce, and it shows that they were messing around during work hours.

This post is already long, and the deal with the other women is another post in itself.

I love him, but I hate him. I've always been faithful. I've had the passwords for his email addresses and other accounts but never logged in because I trusted him so much I felt like I didn't need to. If I had just looked one time, I would have seen this before.

Right now, i'm just trying to make it through finals. Then I can try to make sense of my life.

He finished one of the books I gave him, ' how to heal your wounded lover after an affair'. That's not the exact name, but it's similar to that, it's around 80 pages long. we talked about some of the stuff in the book.

If we didn't have kids, I think I would have walked away, but with our little girl and being pregnant right now, I just can't see myself not giving him another chance. I want my family back together.

I have told him that this is it though. Complete transparency, and if there's even a hint of him cheating i'm taking the kids and leaving.

I know I could be handling things better right now, but i'm just trying to take it day by day, and I don't think i'm ready for tough love yet.

People kept telling me that they thought we were the perfect couple, that we looked so happy. I thought we were.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there, welcome. I know that you don't want to have had the reason to find our site none of us did. But I am so happy that you did find us for support.

Honestly, I think that you are doing very well indeed. You have acted swiftly and decisively by getting him out of your house, separating accounts, arranging a visitation schedule for your DD, and seeing a lawyer. That's smart, because you cannot love them back. A cold pail of reality ice-water thrown in their face is one of the best ways to wake them up from their little fantasy. Good job.

Of course, that doesn't mean that you're not suffering torments. We totally get that. You've been run over by a bus and you're still bleeding. Please take some time to read The Healing Library, which you will find in the upper left corner, in the yellow box. Anything in this forum that has a bulls-eye on it is also a good article to read. And you're very correct to be focusing on your finals. That is of major importance. You should be concentrating on you and only you (and your DD) for quite some time.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you. Starting tomorrow, the forums will become a lot more active many people leave for the weekend. So don't be depressed if it seems like no one is out here. We are. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((twodoves)))

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry you find yourself here, same for all of us. But you will find a lot of comfort here.
I agree with everything Skan said.

The first thought I had after reading your post was that you seemed so much more together than I felt when I was at your stage. Please give yourself a pat on the back for being able to handle a young child, finals, & being in the first trimester of pregnancy, on top of Dday. You are amazing.
The fact that you have set definite boundaries right away will help you & your marriage.
Good luck to you. We are here for you & we know what you are going thru.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Dec 2012
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing a great job. Its wise that you focus on your finals. When I told the marriage counselor that I was going to school and taking classes and WS used that time to ignite his emotional affair, the counselor said, "You spent six months improving yourself and learning something you will use in life. Your spouse wasted the same six months on a fantasy. You came out better in the end."

You are a strong woman and strong women have to take the rough stuff one day at a time.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had bad morning sickness this pregnancy and was already on anti-nausea meds for about two weeks by the time i found out about him cheating. That entire week i couldn't keep anything down, when it got to the point that i couldn't keep water down i ended up in the ER. Baby was ok, but they told me to stay hydrated and reduce my stress level. If only it was so easy. I've spent a lot of time crying, but i try to do it when my daughter is asleep or while i'm taking a shower. She's too little to understand what's going on.

The day i found out i gave him the option of staying home and working it out, but he didn't take it. He has since changed his mind, but i won't let him come home until a couple of things happen.

1.) attend therapy twice a week for awhile
2.) get a new job

He already changed his number, and we deleted all of his email accounts and created a new one. I'm currently monitoring that email address and our cell phone bill still.

I never thought i would have to do this. I think the reality of the situation is going to hit me after finals are over. I still feel numb. I'm keeping it together for my daughter, but i don't feel like i'm handling it. I kind of feel like i'm just charging through this part head down.

Thank you guys for responding.

WS started the relationship with #3/coworker right after we found out i was pregnant. #1 was a few years sgo, but #2 and #3 were current and didn't know about each other. It's been going on for 3 years with #2. She cried when i told her, she loved him. He had webcam sex with #2 the night we found out i was pregnant. Just a few hours later. We had been trying for this baby for months, sometimes he would sext both of them at the same time, and they'd both be sending him pictures,

I always go to bed early because my classes start early in the day, so it was easy for him to find time at night to do it.

I have loved him so much for so long, i never thought he would ever do this to me.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a very strong woman. The boundaries you have set already are a great start.

Yes, keep putting school first right now. That is very important.

Take extra care of you and your babies right now.

Hugs.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2013
LonelyBH
♂ New Member
Member # 38634
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry your here, i can empathize with dealing with the pain of infidelity around young children, very tough.

When i first confronted my WS she did the same thing. 'I wanted an escape', 'I'm leaving', 'i don't know'. She changed that within an hour, but didn't come completely clean or act remorseful until a week after separation.

The pain you feel when getting details about your WS infidelity is so undeserved and intense, Im sorry your going through this, im dealing with 3 recent AP's as well.


BH:22
WW:22
S:4
Dday:2-27-13
Almost Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: LonelyBH
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the FAQs in the healing library and some of the articles. Your responses and reading those make me feel like how i'm responding is normal, and common.

My husband does know i'm on here, i sent him links to the FAQs, but he doesn't know my username. I chose a name that wouldn't be obvious. Today and tomorrow i'm seeing two different counselors. I'm going to ask for a recommendation for a MC for us to see together.

I find out at the end of june if i'm having a girl or boy. I think we need to start MC before then because i don't know if i want WS there at the ultrasound or not.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I suggest that you go out and buy some Ensure or other full-nutrition drink? On days you just can't seem to keep any food down, this will help you to get hydration and "food" all at once. PedaLite is another good hydration option, but it won't give you the "food."


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 9

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