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User Topic: Angry at husband and sister - vent
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a nice morning yesterday which is rare, but it is what it is. He asked me to call my sister to see if she was home so we could drop something off and so the kids could visit. They don't see my sister and BIL very often. Yesterday reminded me why.

We get to my sisters and the kids are running around the yard and talking to their uncle and going to play with the dogs (they have a kennel in the back yard and the dogs are not allowed out of the kennel because they'll take off, not very well trained to stay in the yard, but they are good dogs.)

Any way. The kids go into the house and I follow to make sure the dogs stay put. I'm usually a nervous wreck there because of the dogs. My son is already outside and helping his uncle, my daughter is off playing and doing her own thing and my husband and sister are talking. Well, it seems they have found a subject to "bond" over - my son. This is what pissed me off.

My son is a great boy. He's kind, considerate, helpful, you name it. My husband was complaining to my sister how he never listens, he's a mama's boy, I smother him etc... My sister is agreeing with my husband saying I need to "cut the cord" and that I'm always with him and he needs to play outside away from me and just bashing my son (and me) in general right in front of us! I don't think he heard anything, thank god, but I did. I was standing right next to them pretending not to hear, fuming.

My sister is always comparing my son to her niece. The perfect niece. She's so smart and mature, she acts like she 16, she's such a great kid etc... meanwhile, my son, in her opinion, is the polar opposite.

I'm so tired of this poor kid being treated like this! I wanted to speak up and I know I should have, but when I do I'm called a bitch. If I don't say anything and leave (which is what I wanted to do) they say I'm too sensitive and I need to grow up. If I sit and let everything stew and then finally speak my mind I'm called a bitch again.

So what am I supposed to do?

He's such a great kid, he doesn't deserve any of this. All I'm trying to do is show him love and support and spend time with him. So what am I doing wrong?

And just to clarify. My son listens just fine, to me. I can ask him anything and he'll do it. He doesn't listen to his father because he orders him around and my son doesn't like it.

My son has been asking to spend the night at my sister's house. She wants to let them sleep outside and camp. I'm not thrilled with that idea because they've had bears walk through their yard. So if I say no I'm back to being smothering and not letting him be a kid.

I wish I could hit the lottery, pack up my two kids and buy a farm some where out west and not talk to another person again.

Thanks for listening and letting me get this out.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 9:30 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While you can't control other peoples opinions of you or your parenting, you sure as hell don't have to listen to them spout off about you. How rude to your son. If that were my boy (who is also 9) he would have been crushed to hear people he loves talking about him like that

And as far as people thinking I need to "cut the cord". Well forgive me for being rude.. but I couldn't give a shit.

At the end of the day, I am my kids mother. Their safety and development were entrusted to me, and I'll do the best job I can do. I'll pay the piper when they are older for any mistakes I made, and I am sure there will be some. I will make amends to them. But I'll be damned if pressure from anyone who couldn't give a damn about their well being will make me do anything.

What's the worst in this situation is that it's coming from his aunt and his father . Maybe your husband could take a look at WHY he has a poor relationship with his son and work on fixing that rather than shaming him with gossip. I'm mad for you and that little guy

ETA) Just remember this nonsense is coming from the man who has never told his own children that he loves them. That's stuck in my head. It boggles my mind. What a jerk.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 10:48 AM, May 6th (Monday)]



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44804 | Registered: Sep 2006
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, meta!

I know everyone has different parenting styles and that's fine. But she doesn't even have kids or want any! The first time she took my daughter out (she has peanut allergies and comes with a list of instructions and epi-pen) she didn't even pay attention to her. She was talking to everyone else. There's a whole other vent with that situation.

It also angers me that she complains about him like that then she asks if he can come over to help her stack wood or work in her store. I just want to say "I'm sorry, but since he doesn't listen well enough for you I don't think it would be a good idea for him to help you."

I really don't think he heard any of it, thank god. I wish you could meet him, you would love him.

My husband will never do that. He won't even work on us. He started a new job today and only said goodbye to the kids. He thinks he should be respected by default because he's a father and an adult. I tried to tell him that it doesn't work that way, but what do I know.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got sick of that shit and just stopped responding at all. Don't go to family functions or visit my parents or youngest sister. Don't care anymore, they're shitty to each other, to us, my kids, not worth the energy it takes to restrain myself from starting a brawl. My folks are welcome to come visit but they never have much, it's always been up to us to bundle up tiny babies and drive them 2 hrs to visit. Fuck that too.

Instead we spent yesterday cutting things up with a chainsaw and planting flowers. Yeah a chainsaw on antiversary weekend was probably not the sanest purchase when looking at that from a distance but all the bushes are gone now.

I don't care what my family says about it. They are going to say that shit either way, and it's always going to be my fault. My boys miss their cousin but sometimes these things just turn out that way. It is not worth the tension to me to try and maintain a relationship where the kids can play together once every few weeks or months.

wrt cutting the cord, oldest son only this year started to not wanting hugs and kisses from his mom before going off to school. Fuck cutting that cord, enjoy it while it lasts because he'll cut it himself soon enough.

Sorry you have crazy relatives. Think a lot of us have them though. Maybe we could round up all the crazy relatives and ship them to the moon. Rename it Planet Crazyland. Fill the duty free shops with lots and lots and lots and lots of booze for when you absolutely *have* to visit them.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't....post....anything....that.....won't...get...me....banned....

Urgh. So mad and sad for you. I think you need to remember that these people are a-holes. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I'd have so much snark lined up for those two, "Well, I didn't realize I was at a perfect people's convention! How DID I get past security?!?!"

You just keep telling DS that there's nothing wrong with him, but there IS something wrong with rude people. He'll get it, and he'll have authentic relationships someday whereas these other two are only happy when they're sitting around congratulating themselves on how great they are.

Shame on them.

(((sd)))


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17546 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, StillGoing. I guess I'm just trying to hang onto what's left of the family. My sister alienated my cousins and aunt for years. Thankfully my aunt (who passed away in January) and I were so close, no matter what my sister said we still talked and visited. So my kids were able to have a relationship with her. But my family is so small. I wish they had what I did growing up, but that doesn't seem possible.

Thanks Jrazz. Love you for that. It's hard being the mom and hearing all that, then to listen to my son beg to go over and visit or volunteer to help her out. O don't want to keep him from family, but I don't want this garbage around him either.

I don't plan on cutting the cord. I don't even like that term. My son cam grow up and move where he wants, be whatever he wants; he's always going to be my little man. He's the only man in my life that can look at me and tell when I need a hug

I read a conversation of my husband's and he telling his friend that my son is a mama's buy and acting like it's a disease. He actually asked his friend "how do you deal with it."

Every night when I tuck my son in, after I say my goodnights and I love yous, I look him in eyes and say "you're a good boy." He always looks sad


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply-
Family is not only blood relations, but those who love you but are not related to you.

I have a small family extended family: my FOO. One of them has a few untreated mental illnesses (and can be incredibly unstable), which means I cannot allow my children more contact than they have had.

Know what? Other people have stepped into our lives to fill that role, without knowing what's going on in my life.

I grew up with minimal extended family, and in that respect, I did just fine.

You don't have to take whatever abuse your family dishes out because they are your family. It will stop when you are ready to stop it.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bears in the yard hits a bit of a nerve with me. I've cut ties with my family, in part because of similar issues with their attitudes about my kids (everyone else thinks my kids are great and well-behaved). But my dad told me I should have sent them outside or down to the basement to play. Well, outside, on the day in question, was not only around zero degrees or colder, but we were at a home set in the middle of woods where my nephew HAS encountered wolves--roaming in packs. And the basement--that's where my BIL's power tools and weapons collection (large swords, for instance) was housed. Neither of these are what I consider good places for 5 year old boys with ADHD and borderline autism to play unsupervised.

Sometimes, it's best just to keep our distance.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what am I supposed to do?

You do what you believe is right and let them call you a bitch if they feel the need to.

Your WH sounds like the type that, on your DS's 16th birthday, will hand him a beer and buy him a hooker. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not too enamored with your WH's habit of referring to your son as a 'momma's boy'.

Your WH should be thrilled that you love *his* children and care about them and their well-being. Just *maybe* your DS will grow up to be a well-adjusted and emotionally healthy adult!!! *gasp*

You keep tucking that sweet boy into bed at night, telling him you love him and reinforcing to him that he is a *good* boy. Ignore the *other* idiots in his life. Also, you might consider detaching a bit from your sis. She seems to be.....ummmm....kind of a pain in the ass that you don't need to deal with.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8031 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you sound like a very loving Mom.

Your sister, whatever.
Your husband though, would he consider family counseling? While he is expressing it badly, it kind of sounds like he is hurt that he does not have a relationship with his son. Maybe there is something the 2 of them could do together without you?

Not saying you do this, but I have seen cases where the Mom is so protective, the son does not get a relationship with the Dad. It does not end well that way.

I am old school, but unless the elder/parent is causing harm, I do think there should be respect shown for their status as an elder/parent.

I just wonder if there could be more of a middle ground for the 2 of you that would end up being a happier place for your son.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Family is not only blood relations, but those who love you but are not related to you.

IRN, you're right. ^^^This really stuck out to me.

Wow, capri. Are we related? I agree that basement is no place for children to play unattended.

gonna, I love how you don't mince words Let's just say I hope my husband doesn't pull that crap.

I had a conversation with my son this morning about his dad (I won't say what the topic was as it might get the thread moved to general and I don't want to make more work the mods) and I told him that how his father treats him is no reflection on who he (son) is a person. I told him he's a kind, caring young man who knows right from wrong and wants to stand up when he sees something wrong happening. I told him no many adults do that and that I know he'll grow up to a fantastic man. I also told him that he's a smart boy and that he needs to show it more, not hide it.

Thank you, Pentup. No he wouldn't consider it as he doesn't feel there is anything wrong with him or the way he talks/acts.

He may be hurt about that, but I've talked him on a number of occasions and told him that he's damaging his relationship. My son even told him when he was 6 that "one day I'll be gone and moved away and then he'll sit and wonder what happened, and then it will be too late."

I do think there should be respect shown for their status as an elder/parent.

I agree with this as well, but my husband doesn't treat DS9 with respect so it's hard for my son to show it to him.

I spoke with my mother this morning. She said that there is a posting at her community center (she's in a condo) that bears have been spotted on the property.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SD I didnt read the whole thread, but I agree with Meta and thr other person who avoids family functions.

My egg donar never said she loved my sister or I. She would talk badly about me and verbally beat me down in front of people. She did other stuff, too. Its been 20 yrs since Ive said a word to her. She knows of my kids via my brothers wife who is on my fb. I wouldnt be suprised if that will be your h's fate.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8305 | Registered: Sep 2007
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for relating your experiences, Sully. Much appreciated


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may be hurt about that, but I've talked him on a number of occasions and told him that he's damaging his relationship. My son even told him when he was 6 that "one day I'll be gone and moved away and then he'll sit and wonder what happened, and then it will be too late."

Some parents will wonder what happened. Some parents will even get smart and figure it out. I can tell you, unfortunately, my parents have it all figured out. What happened in their mind is that I'm a bad seed, 'stubborn,' and an ungrateful daughter. They will most likely go to their death beds thinking this, never realizing how their behavior had anything to do with me finally walking away. Sadly, your husband may do the same, simply concoct a revised story that paints over all his actions. It's too often human nature.

I have had similar conversations with my son, that his father's yelling is not always a reflection on him. Sad to have to have such conversations, but good for you that you do when it's necessary.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your parents think that about you.

Sadly, your husband may do the same, simply concoct a revised story that paints over all his actions. It's too often human nature.

He's doing that now. He tells us that we're to blame for the way he acts.

Thank you, I always tell them they can talk to me about anything at anytime.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but when I do I'm called a bitch

Who cares if they call you that. You are his mother and the advocate for your children.

You need to protect them both physically and emotionally. Even if it means you are the "bad" guy. Who gives a flying "f" as long as it keeps your kids safe?

As for your H, have you tried family counseling? Edited to add I read your post above, why are you with AH (asshole husband)?

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 10:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every night when I tuck my son in, after I say my goodnights and I love yous, I look him in eyes and say "you're a good boy." He always looks sad


That breaks my heart.
If your jacked up husband was any type of MAN, he would NOT talk about his son. That is his flesh and blood.
My WH tried that a few times. And all I said was " Yup he sure is". Just like you! That shut his ass up. My son and I are very close. He watched what happened and saw me in tears and was always told by WH " watch after your mom and sister while Im gone". So my son is VERY protective of me. And you know what Simply so is your son.
I want to rip your husband tongue out for talking like that. Im sorry but if your husband shows such disrepect for you and son and scares the shit out of son when ordering him around, your son is or might grow having a strain relationship with his dad. And your wh will wonder why. He needs to get his head out of his a-hole.
And you sister needs to be slapped, you don't do that crap! You are her sister, and he is her newphew. Blood. What a Snob/B*TCH if you ask me.
I would have called them out and said "Yup I am a Bitch, talk about my son again and you will see the bitch come out" and would have left. Screw them. URRRRRGGGHHHH I am so mad!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, But I went thru this with our son and wh until my son got to be about 13. Now, it has changed and they are getting closer but I had to tell wh exactly what he was doing to our son with his mouth and his actions. He also did this to our daughter but she was not a mama's girl she was always trying to be perfect for her dad walking on eggshells.

I don't know why they can't see the damage they do or even care about it. They feel they deserve respect and don't even return it to the people that are suppose to be the most important people to them.
My wh was spoiled from his mom. They were very close but she never taught him how to treat people and never was affectionate with hugs or I love you's. But they were close. So he was a mama's boy. I had the same talks with my son and daughter that you do.

Also, you can tell your sister and wh... that boy's and mothers have a bond. It is a known fact. Girls and daddy's have a bond. But when they get older most of the time they get the male bonding and we get the female bonding. Does that make sense???


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Aug 2011
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your continued posts and support.

Last night they were arguing and my son said something to my husband (I didn't hear) and my husband responded with "does it look like I care?" It boggles my mind that he does seem to know how damaging those words are.

My son loves him and tries and tries to have a relationship with him. He's always asking him to play with him outside or do whatever and he's always brushed off. It's only when my son turns to me that my husband says "I told you I'd be there in a minute" or "I told you I'd think about it." I'm not expecting my husband to drop whatever he's doing, but my son is now so used to being brushed off it comes right to me.


They feel they deserve respect and don't even return it to the people that are suppose to be the most important people to them.

^^This is so true.

My wh was spoiled from his mom. They were very close but she never taught him how to treat people and never was affectionate with hugs or I love you's. But they were close.

This is my husband and MIL. I wouldn't say he was a mama's boy, but they were close. Now they don't speak (she's a mess)


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
AttemptStrength
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respect is EARNED, not given.

That is all I can say without going off like a nuke.


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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