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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Guilt sucks
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still struggling with the guilt, I bought into what he told me - that I changed the day we got married, that he was no longer my number one priority, all I cared about was my homework for school, that I didn't get along with his family, that I took advantage of him. That I didn't attend events with him, he got tired of everyone asking him where I was so he stopped inviting me, it was just easier for him. That he was unhappy for a year and tried to talk to me about it, but I just blew him off. It was as if he totally forgot who I really am.

The truth is, I am in a demanding program at school, but my son told me that I was busy with school, but that I always made time at the end of the day to be with WH. That I made time on the weekend to spend with him. My son reminded me that WH worked ridiculously long hours - 15 hour days so he wasn't around much. And WH attended the open house with me when I started the program and he was told that it was a demanding program and that he would not see much of me for the next few years. I have a little over a year to go.

The truth is, I tried my very best to get along with his family (his mother is a really difficult person to get along with). I called her every week to talk, I went to every family occasion and spent time talking with his mother and sister while he hid out with his Dad. He has a very distant relationship with his Mother. Whenever he was home and she called, he never spoke to her, wanted me to tell her that he wasn't home.

In the eight years we were together, I missed two events. He was too busy to attend my graduation, never attended my great nephew's birthday parties. Nearly every weekend, we had some sort of event to attend to that was connected to his job, he was not home Monday - Thursday nights, only home for dinner Friday night. His job demanded a great deal of my time to attend events. I happily went along with it because I loved him and wanted to support him. That's what married people do, support each other and honor the things that are important to them. I knew his job was important to him.

He never told me that he was unhappy. I tried to talk to him when he stopped initiating sex with me. He said everything was fine, but stopped touching me years ago. I asked him every day how his day was (he accused me that I didn't care about his work, that I was only interested in the workplace gossip), I rubbed his back for him every night so he could go to sleep. I told him every morning that I loved him when he left for work. And he told me that he loved me, even after he started the affair. Pig......

The feelings of guilt suck. After I confronted him and he asked me to leave, I felt like I had blown the best thing that happened to me. That if I had not gone back to school and spent more time with him, I'd still be married to him. I am pursuing a career I have dreamt about for my entire life. Now, the joy is gone for me. I feel like this has cost me my marriage, cost me the love of man I married.

Intellectually, I know this is crap. I am his third wife, he cheated twice on his second wife. This is his pattern. That no matter what I did, he would have cheated, it was just a matter of time. He can't have a real relationship, he only wants to fall in love with love. He needs attention 24/7. I talked with one of his former assistant to ask her if she thought he was a narcissist and she answered "on my God, yes". She was exhausted working with him, said he was such high maintenance and it was like taking care of a two year old. I remember how very exhausted I felt all the time, nothing I did was ever enough. It was all about him. His needs. He treated me like I was his assistant, just wanted me to take care of all the little things he needed done, that he didn't have the time to do. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to rub his back, so he could go back to sleep. I kept the house cleaned, entertained his work associates, attended events with him, took care of all the little details so he could come home and relax. I treated him with kindness and respect. I loved him and trusted him.

I was not the perfect wife, but I am not the person he now claims I am. All I can figure, is that he needs to believe this so he can justify what he has done. He broke the vows. He's the one that bought at least 80 cars over the past 8 years, was obsessed with that. Would come home at night, plop the computer on his chest and look for new cars, or part for cars. He distanced himself from me years ago. He stopped initiating sex with me years ago. He controlled the money. Everything is in his name, except for the house I am living in now, that was to be our retirement home.

I was so naive. I trusted him. I believed the lies he told me. I thought I knew the man I fell in love with. I was guilty of opening up my heart to him and loving him.

How do you move through the guilt???


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUGS DAWN

Im not through my self blame, but can say that finding a good IC can do wonders. Its impossible to grasp everything around us when we are so emotionally involved and having a good IC can help you start sifting through this period of life.
R or no R its important to figure out your truth and what you know to be what has really happened.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dawn, I sympathize with your problem. It sucks to have your mind tell you one thing and your heart tell you another. It is clear from reading your post that your WH is in fact NPD. You did all the giving in your relationship with him. But he is never going to recognize that. He has to say all of those things about you and find fault with you as a wife to justify what he has done. You do know that.

Unfortunately, it takes your takes your heart some time to catch up with your head. It will happen. Some day you will be so glad that you went back to school and worked hard to realize your dream, because that is going to be your ticket to your future happiness. You will be awesome at your new career and it will give you satisfaction and happiness. You won't need him for that--you will do it yourself!

You are still mourning your M, that is to be expected. It is still early in the process. If there was a way to speed it up, I would bottle it and make millions.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best in the relationship. It does take two to make it work. Listen your DS--he sounds like a very smart cookie (just like his mom!) To answer your question, you move through the guilt by putting one foot in front of the other every day and telling yourself that you did the best that you could in a bad situation. You will get through it eventually, I promise. This is all a process.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can empathise with your feelings. Often there are tiny shards of truth in what is said, remember your WS knows your weaknesses and how to use them to his advantages. I am also wracked with guilt about his betrayaland I know this is crazy but this is such a difficult time. Lets keep going as I read from another post in this forum when you are going through hell keep going.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw, Dawn, read what you just wrote to us. You made time for him. You did a milion things to show you loved him. Your son knows you were there for your husband, his former assistant knows he's impossible to please. Read it again and believe it, because what you have written shows you were well within specs in this marriage. You were balancing your needs and his but never neglecting his. He is the one who doesn't make the quality control cut. His parts are jiggered wrong and they came that way so there is nothing you could have done to make the marriage work properly, not when you were working with a broken husband.

Is it really guilt you're feeling or is it pain at being falsely accused of failing as a wife? Because you didn't fail--he did--and telling you everything was your fault is just one more example of his emotional abuse.

How to get rid of the guilt? Talk to people who know you (as you're doing). Get IC. Focus on your studies. Learn to view him with pity because he's broken and try to set the anger aside as some of it is just spilling over onto you.

Hugs.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 58
Married 34 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 624 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Jada52
♀ Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you Dawn.

My husband told me I neglected him as I cared for a sick/dying sibling and even after they passed away I still neglected him. I look back and realize I did that. I feel enormous guilt for allowing my marriage to suffer and I think it gave him a reason to seek comfort elsewhere. I don't think we can get back to where we were.

I am not sure how to move thru it either but the wonderful folks on this site can offer some help.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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