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Newest Member: Sallysosad (44605)

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User Topic: oh fuck... when does it end
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been there also with my daughter and the tough love. My mom also did it to me. I feel your pain and there is no pain like that when it comes to your children. I made my mistakes as a parent but one that I will not regret is the tough love. She had to learn on her own about her choices. Stay strong, let her know you love her with all your might and this is for her own good. One day, she will look back and thank you. Big hugs...


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I'm just at a complete loss... definitely hurting but it's not about me. I made clear stipulations months ago, we had an agreement in writing... and I have to follow through. I really hoped that yesterday wouldn't happen, but it did.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you have to follow through. Boundaries and enacting consequences are tough. But choices being consequences. This will be a tough lesson, but a necessary one.

Hang in there--they do become human again. Just experienced that with my youngest. Finally!

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29570 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SSM)))


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11544 | Registered: Dec 2009
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SSM)))

Going through some of this (long over-due tough love) with an adult child...

It's killing me too.

I understand and hope she finds her way.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ssm)))))


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength and comfort, ssm. You are doing the right thing, as excruciating as it is.

(((((ssm)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24783 | Registered: Aug 2011
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will grow, and learn, and be back.

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:05 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand completely SSM ! I had to tough love my SS34 when he was 19. Yes he had to move because he crossed my boundaries.

It's so difficult but he did come back to really talk about it after a few years and with a different mature attitude. We are very close, he is now a parent and sees things so differently. I did OK as a Mom.
Hang in there and know it might be awhile before she sees the light.
Big Mom Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ssm))))) sorry you are going through this. Our love for our kids can bring us a tremendous amount of joy and pain at different points in time. Hope things resolve in the near future.

hugs again.


Me: 41
Two boys: 17 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25509 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our kids can tear our hearts out on a whim.

Just stay strong. I don't know what happened but I know you are doing the right thing.

(((SSM)))


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did reach out to her today to let her know that i am not angry (never yelled yesterday, just spoke calmly and in facts). I told her i love her very much and am here as support for all the good decisions she makes.

In return, i got a guilt trip. No surprise. She is doing what she knows to do, and what works... the easy fix so she doesn't have to do the hard work.

Don't get me wrong. I feel awful. She is hurting and she's scared. I hate... HATE knowing that and I can undo it ... but I can't. I am looking at the bigger picture and even though it feels shitty and others look at me as unfeeling, i know i am doing the right thing.

It's drugs. Pills. Opiates. We went through outpatient, then inpatien, then lots of stipulations to avoid halfway house. After 6i months, she blew it. Went through a breakup, and used. I caught her immediately.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh SHIT SSM ! I'm so sorry she is down the drug path. Yes you have to let them fall so they will do it for themselves.
Big Mom Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been there SSM. Hold on, you are doing the right thing.
Had to send my son away when he was a teenager - drugs, alcohol, you name it. I almost waited too long, trying to "help" him. The day he left he said "I will NEVER forgive you."
Eight months later he sent me a Valentine's card saying "Thank you for saving my life when I wouldn't do it for myself." But in fact he did do it for himself. I truly hope your daughter does as well.
(((SSM)


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SSM))

I am so sorry!! You are doing the right thing. She has to understand that no matter what happens she has to stay sober. There are no excuses.

Your boundaries are not unreasonable and won't mean anything if you don't enforce them.

I am so so sorry!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8434 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last year at the beach when I had to make her leave our vacation house, she called her father, and he told me what a horrible mother I was for doing that, etc...

Later he realized the gravity of it, and we both learned a lot through the meetings and classes for family. We even took our 16 yr old son, and made him sit through a 4 hour class.

This time, I called him right away. I told him in advance of me testing her what I suspected, and why. I also explained how I would have to follow through on the written agreement we have. He was totally on board.

He talked to her Monday night, and we talked again yesterday. He's changed his tune. Now he is on the fence, saying that he respects my decision since it's my house, etc... but that "it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc... (these are all the things she is saying - to me too)

I GET all that. I think it might be harder for her too. I feel TERRIBLE - I had terrible dreams last night - one where she called me and I ignored the call... I actually woke up at like 4 AM and grabbed my phone, and was totally confused when there was no missed call from her. I really thought it had actually happened.

As I told her yesterday, I hope this "mistake" and set back becomes the catalyst for her to really get serious and change her life. Since December, she has only saved up $600, and $300 is a tax refund. She is only working around 18 hours a week, hasn't done anything to get back in school, and when I get on her, she always has excuses. She has no car is the big one. I guess when mom is paying all your bills, why be motivated.

This is going to be make or break for her, because I am sticking to it. She is not coming back to live with me. It scares the shit out of me, and I have a lot of guilt, but I really feel that I'm doing the right thing.

I have reminded her that I'm not angry, and that I love her and am here to support all the good decisions she makes. She said I'm obviously not, and I told her that I am - even if it isn't the type of support she wants (not financial and safety of home)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"it was only one time, and she was upset about the breakup, and she made a mistake... but was doing so well for 6 months, has nowhere to go, now will be worse off and more tempted if she is crashing at friends houses, harder for her to work and do well..." etc... etc...

No...."only one time" this time, then the next time it will be "only one time". When addiction is involved there is no such thing as "only one time". I'm just trying to reinforce what you already know. Stay strong.

You had a contract, she broke it. She knew the consequences. Breakups are hard but there are a lot of hard things she will need to go through in life. She needs to learn to cope with hard things without using. Again, you know this.

Ugh, it's so hard when you love someone so much.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ssm)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24783 | Registered: Aug 2011
feelsgaslighted
♀ Member
Member # 19290
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. She knew the consequences and did it anyway. She needs to learn to cope with life, it's up to her. You are doing the right thing even though it hurts, ((hugs))!


Not all who wander are aimless. Especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image.
Betty Warren- Mona Lisa Smile

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: South
Topic Posts: 80
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