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User Topic: oh fuck... when does it end
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ssm))))

Posts: 35232 | Registered: Mar 2011
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM -- you will have a PM in about 2min

Have you talked to her father about contacting one of the treatment facilities she's been to or an addiction counselor. You're 100% doing the right thing. Maybe they can help him understand? It would be good to have him 100% on board.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's just more easily manipulated by our kids. Bunt and I went to visit my DS16 a couple weeks ago. We went to his game, then got subs and went to a park. Bunt was running around and me and DS were talking, and he said ex's GF says "you are too much of a pushover with him" and we were joking at how "easy" dad is...

His opinion definitely is important, in that I don't want him encouraging her in that line of thinking. She met her grandmother (his mom) for dinner last night, so who knows what advice she's being given.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please stick to your guns ssm!!!!

My exH was an opiate addict from his teenage years until ... well, until now of course. His parents "helped" him over and over and it ruined him!

Take a stand now and she has a chance. A number of years of mom and dad bailing her out and giving her "one more chance" is a huge mistake!!! Your exH needs to learn this and as quickly as possible.

The patterns get established now and she learns quickly how easily various parties are to manipulate. You all need to stick together.

Good luck!


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally behind you on this.

I equate this to my Wxh's affair....he said that it was only one time, but it wasn't.

Like all addicts, they will tell you what you want to hear.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7655 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be make or break for her, because I am sticking to it. She is not coming back to live with me. It scares the shit out of me, and I have a lot of guilt, but I really feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you, I have been wanting to cave lately, not wanting to but feeling completely over-whelmed with his being "kicked out"

He is spiraling and I needed to hear what you said.

I am afraid too...hang in there. (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3806 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
teach5
♀ Member
Member # 18445
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you for doing the hard thing, but one that may ultimately save her life. I will keep yprayers.ou all in my

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2008
teach5
♀ Member
Member # 18445
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how to edit-sorry for the typos!

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2008
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((SSM))))))

Feb 2012 Threw my alcoholic son out. Hardest thing I have ever done. This is the short story.
He checked into rehab, he's been sober since. He hasn't quite gotten back on his feet, but he is looking, sounding and generally better than he has been for many years.

Prayers that your DD will find her way, too.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SSM)))
You are my hero today, for taking the hardest road there is to save your daughter.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SSM)) The guilt you feel and the words she is saying are all her addiction. Not her.

Her addiction is manipulating you too.

My heart is breaking with yours. I hope this is the catalyst for reach change in her.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard from her a little bit, but I think she's still in denial/my fault mode. I did see something she posted on FB at 1:00 AM. Seemed to be words of a partying girl, but who knows. I didn't comment.

I plan to invite her for Mother's Day. I am hoping DS16 comes down, and plan to just grill out and spend time with the kids. Hopefully she'll come.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
trustagain
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ssm)) Hugs to you!!!!

You know in your heart you are doing the right thing - with "tough love", but it really isn't tough love, it is a "life lesson". She has a contract with you, she broke it. Actions meet consequences.

I pray that this is what she needs to realize that her life is going down the toilet. No school, little work, drugs. She needs the motivation that this "tough love" may give her. She won't be able to couch hop too long.

This may have been "one slip", but who knows. It is the first you caught it. She needs to learn to cope with hardships in life - a break up, death, etc. There is always heartbreak, but turning to drugs is not the answer. We all know that. She just isn't there yet.

She has a Dad let him take her in.

You are doing the right thing as hard as it is on you, YOU R RIGHT!

This may be (hopefully) a blessing in disguise.

Peace to you!


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Nov 2007
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has unfriended both me and her dad on FB. Not a good sign. We both also text her yesterday and haven't heard a word back.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
amitheow
♀ Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Passive agressive.


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5085 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's extremely hard.
T/j to give you some hope beyond today:
I have a dual addict son (opiates and alcohol) that is approaching three years sober. Very hard road for years before that. We were always there to catch him- until we had to let go. Lots of intensive outpatient didnt work, then inpatient that was extended. Continued with outpatient after that and halfway house. That was hard to tell him, but it is probably the thing that saved him. My heart aches to this day when I think about the counselling session when he was told he couldn't come home- had to go to the halfway house next. But I am thankful that that was what we did.

But he had to want to live sober. He didn't at first. We always felt that if we could get him sober long enough to let the fog lift that he would "get it". He was a hard case. He eventualy became the house manager there at the halfway house and has now moved on to live in an apartment. He has also become a counsellor at the inpatient facility where he went for his recovery. He works the detox and difficult cases. He sees through their lies-calls them on their crap.
He thanks us for his life.
End t/j.

If you haven't found Al-Anon for yourself, I would suggest it. You can find strength and support with them.
She is spiraling and will try to manipulate you in all sorts of ways. It's worked for her before and she figures she will be successful. They can get very dramatic, but stay the course. You need to end allowing her sickness to make you sick. Remember that with an addict the whole family is ill.

I'm sure you already know all of this, but do remember it during the hard times. You have to love her enough to save her by letting her hit bottom. The real bottom.
Wishing you peace.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soverysadnow: I didn't see this until just now when I came back to update... but ironically right now is just when I needed to read it... so thank you. When she left inpatient, they strongly suggested halfway house. I was the one that gave in, but set boundaries and stipulations, and let her come home.

She came over Sunday. I had all three kids there and it was a great day. She called me the day before asking what time, and saying she needed to know cause she was going to work a shift. Then she asked for some of her money, saying she wanted it for a Mother's Day gift. I told her I didn't need a gift, and that I thought her money was best saved for when she was ready for her own place, or a car, etc... she hung up on me. (BIG RED FLAG).

Turned out that Sunday she didn't work at all. hmmm. She didn't look horrible, but she didn't look good either. I can see it. I didn't ask any questions, didn't offer any unsolicited advice, and didn't make any comments. Very unlike me.

We text a little Sunday night, after she left. I thanked her for coming, and she said some nice stuff then asked why I didn't really talk to her - I did... just not what she expected - I told her I just wanted to have a nice day and didn't want to nag or bug her, and didn't want her to think I invited her over to attack her.

She asked to come home. Said a lot of stuff... some I believe, and some I don't. I calmly and very kindly (as kind as you can) said no, she needed to do this on her own, and the decision is made.

It's killing me. She is saying how the places she is staying aren't good environments, she'll do anything I want, etc...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM....think about the ramifications your actions will have years from now. Her addiction is speaking. Not only the chemical addiction, but the dependency on others for her wellbeing. If she doesn't learn self-reliance she will ALWAYS be a burden on either society as a permanent welfare recipient or in a series of horrible relationships just because she needed someone to take care of her.

I know it will make you feel better to relent and take her back....but think about this in the context of long-term results.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6552 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing the right thing. As hard as it is. I feel for you both. I really do. Stay strong.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what the stipulations are. Can you help her find a stable place to live? Is the halfway house still an option? I'm glad you didn't give her any money.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4169 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
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