So.... DDay was 3/4/13 for me. (Very important note: We were married 12/15/12) I had been working overnight 2-3 nights a week off and on for the past couple of months (I own an IT company and we were doing retail work that required us to work when the stores were closed) and on this particular night, I made the decision that my guys could handle the job without me so I decided to go home early. I had been texting my wife throughout the night (as we always had done) and at about 10:30pm she told me that she was going on to bed because she was tired, so when I decided to head home around 11p, I didn't say anything to her because I thought she was asleep. These jobs would normally get me home anytime from 4a-8a the next morning so she certainly was not expecting me to be home so early and I was eager to pleasantly surprise her. Surprise her I did.
I got home around 11:45 to discover that she was not there. Very surprised, I promptly called her and went to voicemail. I texted her something frantic and though I never suspected cheating, I was suddenly in panic mode. She called me back within 2 minutes of my initial call and told me that she was at the local casino, indulging in some slots and hadn't wanted to upset me (we had both realized we had a gambling problem and decided together that we would quit). She told me that she was leaving and would be home shortly. I was somewhat relieved and we texted for the next 20-25 minutes; she told me over and over how sorry she was for not being open and honest about going and hated hiding things, blah blah blah. She arrived home about 40 minutes later (the casino is a 20 minute drive tops) and the first thing I noticed was that her clothes did NOT smell like smoke, which would alarm anyone who has ever walked inside a casino. She was super apologetic and really didn't act all that suspiciously but my spidey sense was tingling. She said she wanted to jump in the shower so I obliged her and told her not to worry about the casino trip, that I understood.
When I heard the shower running, I grabbed her phone off of the bathroom counter and promptly connected it to my PC. It was an iPhone and I am an expert at data retrieval (both mobile and standard) so I was able to recover hundreds of deleted text messages by the time she got out. I discovered that she had been talking to and seeing a 34 year old man that she had met at work. She elaborated on my findings after an intense interrogation and this is what I learned:
She is a massage therapist and this man had come in to have a massage from another therapist. He had saw my wife and they had struck up a brief conversation (she doesn't wear her ring at work because of the nature of what she does with her hands). He had given her his business card and written "let's do lunch" on the back with his cell number. She had put the card in her purse because she said she was flattered by his compliments and how into her he seemed to be. A few days later, I had hurt her feelings while watching TV because I was tired from a long day and she had expressed that she wanted to turn it off and talk and I had not acted interested in that. She then texted the guy and so it began. (This is where it really starts to hurt)
He invited her to have lunch the following day but she told him that she didn't really have time for lunch and asked if she could just swing by and hang out with him at his house? He was apparently living in a hotel while here on business for a few months and invited her to swing by. They had sex the day after she first texted him and she went back nearly every chance she got over the next week and a half until I discovered it.
She told me that the sex was absolutely terrible and even showed me a picture of his "stuff" so emphasize that it was not SEX she was after. I truly believe that she was sexually satisfied with me (I know how it sounds, but SERIOUSLY) but this all contradicts that to the extreme. She told me that she just got caught up in all the attention he paid her and that she was just in a trance because of who desperately this man wanted her. She has stated over and over that I was SUCH a better lover and man than him and that I DID do all of those things too, but that she felt caught up in the fact that this stranger who had no 'obligation' as her husband was so interested in her. She has struggled with self esteem/image issues for years despite my absolute best efforts to make her realize that she truly is beautiful.
Anyways, we started to rebuild our relationship and though it has been very rocky, we've been doing better than I expected. I found out last week that she is pregnant (she had her period after the affair and the timeline of events points to it being mine, but DNA will definitely still be done) and the doctor confirmed it today. I am just at a loss right now. I desperately need to hear from someone that I'm NOT an emasculated loser holding onto a whore who betrayed him so disgustingly.
We had been married for not quite 3 months and to be honest, we were very much still in the honeymoon stage. Our sex life was amazing (8-10 times per week and the sex was truly good, for both of us- this I really don't think she was lying about) and she seemed to be genuinely happy, though I had been working quite a bit as my business has really taken off over the last year.
Anyways, if you made it through that I would appreciate your comments!!!!!
There's around a 20% chance of actually getting pregnant each month, and the fertile window is around 3 days, so the odds are definitely in your favor. If she recently found out/had a missed period, the fetus would only be around 2 weeks old. How far along in pregnancy is usually measured from the first day of the last period, but in actuality the fetus isn't really that old. Ovulation occurs around halfway through the menstrual cycle.
I'm sorry you're here!
Have you guys talked about therapy?
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 6:13 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
We are all so so sorry that you are here. But please know that this is a safe place.
In one way or another we all have been faced with the ugliness of infidelity.
First of all. Please realize this all takes TIME. You are bound to love and forgive on minute and hate and want to give up the next. Your mind simply cannot absorb the blow you have been dealt.
All of this is completely normal. Just know that logic and emotions will rarely be on the same page for you for some time.
Allow yourself to grieve because you are in mourning. Mourning at the death of what you thought your wife and marriage were.
Through a lot of soul searching and IC/MC you can make it but it is a long journey. Please look in the healing library for the Timeline of Healing.
You nor the amount of time you were working are to blame for this. Your wife has to get to the core of WHY she chose to cheat. Not blame placing but WHY she made the conscience choice.
Good luck to you and know we are all here rooting for you and hoping the best.
One day at a time.
Even though our stories are different I can relate to you because I got married last December too and I just found out last month my husband have cheated on me too.
I agree with what someone said about the pregnancy, that seem very convenient for her, maybe she did on purpose to try to save you marriage.
Anyway it sounds to me that you were a very happy couple (my marriage wasn't as good as yours before the cheating) so it is really hard to understand why she would do that. It is hard to understand her motives since you were happy.
I think you two should maybe have waited more before having sex after the cheating, tried to figure out things first, not that you can't do now but the pregnancy complicates a little more in case you want to go separate ways.
Have you thought about marriage counseling?
I just broke up with my 40 yr old live-in boyfriend - he took the # from the OW and began to text her because her attention "made him feel good"...
Even if there was the moment where their ego needed to be stroked - they got that with the initial attention --- why the need to keep up the stroking?
In my case - I realized he was a just selfish and greedy. Selfish because he didn't think/care about how sh*tty what he was doing would make me feel (I busted him and he kept it up) and greedy because I made him feel good but he just wanted to feel even more good.
You were still in your honeymoon phase having great sex --- and because of one instance where you didn't pay her the attention she wanted immediately right there and then.... she justifies starting an affair.
You are not an emasculated loser. You are a STRONG man dealing with undeserved unexpected pain as best as you can.
Please do whatever you do because its what you want for YOU. Not for her - seems she doesn't need help putting her(self) first.
This might be too personal, but is it possible this man was paying her for sex? Could she have gambling debts you don't know about? Either you don't have the whole story or the timeline of events seems strange. He gives her a business card, this man she has never met before, she goes and meets him in a hotel, this man she doesn't know at ALL? and they have sex right away? I'd start digging, something just doesn't seem right. Be strong. This really sucks.
[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 8:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
Have you spoken with an attorney? You have rights and you need to know how to protect yourself. Even if you don't file there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.
Is the OM married or involved in a committed relationship? If so expose to their partner. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. Just do it.
What is the earliest you can get the DNA test? The sooner you can the better for that will you give you time to plan your next step.
I would also recommend that both of you get full panel of tests for sexually transmitted diseases.
Three months into a marriage is not a good sign. Had you not found out, I'm concerned what she might have done in the future. Like stealing candy from the store, get away with it once, it's a whole lot easier to do it again and again.
She needs some intensive individual counseling. I would also recommend the same for you. There is no quick cure for healing over this.
Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water and avoid excessive alcohol.
PLEASE go to a Counselor. Tell her she HAS to go.
IF you can get her to go, it needs to be a counselor who deals with sexual addiction, because she may be a sex addict.
I will tell you, I know a different woman like this and she was molested as a child. Sex to her is just like going shopping with this friend or that friend or going to a movie. She doesn't "get" the intimacy issue AT ALL.
Please get your wife help and don't let her quit after 3 or 4 months. It needs to be for a year at least. AND you need her to be a mentally healthy person to be a good parent to your child. Some people can be repaired thru counseling.
Other thing is it does make sense about the sex with you and her being great. This type of person puts their lives into little compartments -- like a waffle-- instead of living authentically.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:23 PM, May 6th (Monday)]
You owe it to yourself, your marriage, and now to your child to get to the bottom of this. I think you both need to get into therapy as soon as you can.
I am sorry for your pain. Yours is a new marriage. Mine one of long standing. It doesn't matter, the pain is the same. We are all trying to understand.
How did you recover deleted iphone texts??? Please share!
I think so many of us would like to know.
Does she have a history of cheating?
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
you are in for a lifetime of heartache if you stay.
Couldn't agree more. Your wife cheats 3 months into the marriage and gets pregnant to boot. Now you have to watch her child growing inside her for the next 9 months not knowing whether its yours or not. Did she mention whether she had unprotected sex with OM?
She really sounds as if she has mental issues to cheat in this manner, and its a virtual guarantee she will cheat again since she apparently can't say no, even to a complete stranger.
As for him being a terrible lover and you being so good. Isn't that just what you want to hear?
Whether you end the pregnancy or not I would definitely divorce this lady, [annulment?], and put this painful episode behind you.
I've been in your situation. My WH had his MOW before he met, dated and married me. I took me 18 months to find out the truth and all along she was part of his life. We were married on May 13th and he was with her 5 days later on her birthday...it makes me sick when our anniversary rolls around.
It is the hardest thing to understand how someone can just be married to you and yet be with someone else.
I don't have the answers, I don't have the explanations for why they are so broken they would hurt us, but I do know this - 17 months into this mess, I am more able to deal with it every day. My marriage isn't stable, in fact, it is most likely heading for divorce. I took everyone's advice, read it, listened to it, and waited. I needed to wait this out for myself so I can heal. The first few months I was in too much shock to do anything other than sit there and think "why?"
You'll get through this, truly you will. We're all here to help you.
One thing sticks in my mind as a huge red flag.
She is a young attractive woman, and was willing to risk her safety to go to a hotel room with a complete stranger? Either there is more to this story, or she lacks some serious self awareness... That is very risky behavior.
I would strongly suggest IC for each of you and MC. No need to make any decisions about the long term right now. Work on healing, and her understanding why she did what she did.
Sending you strength.
Speaking to the pregnancy: I am only somewhat convinced that she purposefully skipped her Birth Control in order to end up pregnant. As terrible as this is, I was aware that she had missed a few days yet I still continued to have unprotected sex with her. It has been like sex has served as an escape from the reality of our day to day struggle; I'm sure many of you can relate to that. Since the affair, she was been honest with me to the extreme (I've demanded it through very several very intense discussions) and when I confronted her about her motives with the baby, she seemed genuine when she said that while she HAD thought about how a child would bring us closer to together, she hadn't intended to actually become pregnant yet.
She has been very, very sensitive to my anger and pain over the past couple of months and I have the answers to every question I could possibly think of. First, she DID have unprotected sex with the OM. A few times in fact. While he never "finished" in her, she admitted that he hadn't used a condom every time. She received a full blood panel to be checked for STD's a week after the affair and she ended up clean (we will be doing another round of testing in a few weeks, as HIV, HPV and Hepatitis may not show up for a few months).
One thing many of you spoke to was how incredibly reckless it was for her to venture off to this hotel where this man was. That was definitely one of the more dumbfounding things for me. I don't think she was being paid for the sex as one of you asked, but that was absolutely one of my concerns and her career choice has definitely been a huge topic of discussion for us. She has offered to quit several times in the hopes that it would make me feel better. (Her wedding and engagement ring have been soldered together and that's why she has to take it off to give massages)
I am a very analytical person and I have definitely visited all of these questions in my own mind. We discussed the details of the affair and I scrutinized every imaginable part of it to try and reach some type of understanding. What it really boils down to in my mind is that her low self-esteem and immaturity combined in this explosion that caused her to lose all sense of reality. She has described her mindset as "trance-like" and has admitted several times that going to that hotel room to meet a strange man was one of the most insane things she had ever even imagined doing. The guy was dressed well when she met him and maintained some semblance of normalcy when texting her so apparently this put her at ease.
I may have overstated how happy our life was prior to the affair. While the marriage stage truly was going great, I have definitely alienated her in the past before. One of my biggest regrets is how I used to be manipulative when it came to her weight. Over the years, she has struggled with an eating disorder (Bulimia) and her weight has fluctuated as a result. During some of the more dramatic periods (when she would gain 30-50lbs), I would never outright SAY that I was having a problem with her weight, but about a year ago we finally had a huge fight about it all where she expressed how manipulated and horrible I had made her feel about it at times over the years. I took responsibility for that and since that time, completely changed how I acted in that arena, but she told me after the affair that she had still been holding onto some of the resentment. Coupled with her eating disorder, she has suffered from fairly severe depression over the past 3-4 years which started when her father died in 2009. She has been on several anti-depressants and has described one of the side effects of the medicine as making her feel "numb".
I guess I tell you all of that to let you in on a little of my reasoning for staying. I definitely feel somewhat responsible for having making her "not good enough" in the past and I know how terrible things get for her when the medication she was on takes over her emotions and leaves her feeling apathetic. I know that that doesn't excuse ANY of this and that she should have TALKED to me about the way she was feeling, but deep down I understand why she was hesitant to. I really have been a very different lover over the past year and though I was never truly abusive in any way, I know that I have contributed to her low self-esteem. Our families both warned us that we may be rushing into the wedding (we had been dating for 4 years, engaged for 18 months) as they were aware of some of the issues we had had but we ignored them because things had improved so much.
She has been in IC (individual counseling) for about 6 weeks and tomorrow will be the first session that I will be attending with her. I'm sorry if I seemed to cast all of the blame on her in my original post. I wanted to clear some things up with this one and see what you all had to say after hearing some more of the details.
I wouldn't have taken so long to respond if I had know that I wouldn't be receiving email alerts! I will check the settings of my account and of course be looking back at this thread throughout the day. I truly appreciate the input and feel like this is therapy in itself!
She got pregnant intentionally to make you stay.
She went to Oms hotel for you not turning off the TV and talk to her, next time it will be computer........
One of the most difficult parts of all of this is trying to reconcile with her while hearing the logical reasons NOT to from most of my friends and family. I definitely consider myself as an intellectual and really do think that I can see things with a rational viewpoint but I know that I may just be hanging on to the threads of a broken relationship. I see genuine remorse and sorrow in my wife and deep down in my heart, I know that I want to stay, but hearing literally almost constant reasons NOT to from my peers makes me question my judgment and creates even more confusion inside of me. Is it OKAY to stay or is this just TOO crazy to deal with?
the logical reasons NOT to from most of my friends and family
Also the statement that the OM didn't finish in her can be taken with a pinch of salt. She tells you that so you will accept the baby as your own, at least until testing can occur. Its definitely possible that the OM did complete the act and he needs to be figured in as a possible father.