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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm trying...
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather draw a line under this and forgive your slip of guard and move on

Sounds like he's trying to rugsweep rather than deal with this internally to me....not a healthy coping strategy.

I get that there is a fine line between pushing someone to deal with stuff they aren't ready to; but an EA isn't the kind of thing you can draw a line under and move on - and if he deccribes it as a "slip of your guard" that's a worry to me...it's not a slip it's a fat big leap into disaster.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he's trying to rugsweep rather than deal with this internally to me....not a healthy coping strategy.
I get that there is a fine line between pushing someone to deal with stuff they aren't ready to; but an EA isn't the kind of thing you can draw a line under and move on - and if he deccribes it as a "slip of your guard" that's a worry to me...it's not a slip it's a fat big leap into disaster.

Well exactly, hence my need and urgency to address the disaster to which I face a blank wall in my H.

Hope this gives you some insight into the state of my M at present. It's frustrating.

And yes, I agree, it is worrying.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be simplistic, or not possible, but can you leave books and articles laying around on the coffee tables or countertops? Books like Not Just Friends or How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair? Maybe print off articles from SI and leave them around? Might be seen as passive aggressive, or you might have kids you don't want to see this stuff. It might be something that he decides to pick up and read (deal with) in a way that he would also feel comfortable setting the book down if he feels he still isn't ready. It would also maybe show him that it is something that you feel a need to work on.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ll,

I am curious as to why now? Why have you decided to stop this A now? Has something changed with you or your M?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl: Because I finally got the strength to just end it. I never wanted it to go as far as it did. I was lonely and the EA met that need (wrong, I know). The AP fell in love with me and wanted more. I let it progress to a physical affair because I was too weak to walk away. The more serious the AP got, the more I backed away. The last thing I wanted to do was get a divorce and then get married again. A Facebook friend's post actually made me do a lot of thinking (and it wasn't even about infidelity) and then I finally mustered up the strength to end things.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am jumping too far ahead here and if I am tell me. But it sounds as if you are already in a place where you understand that this whole thing was not about your AP, but about what was wrong with you. Am I correct?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired girl: Yes, you are correct.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask what you are doing to get to the bottom of what caused you to do this? Does your H know what steps you are taking to try to fix yourself?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl: I'm pretty sure I already know what caused me to do it. Now, I just need to do something about it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LuckyLlama, I am so close to where you are right now...except my H recently caught me. Haven't had the nerve to update my previous thread (I was not feeling very welcomed either), but I was busted a few weeks ago. But still justifying my A to myself and my husband--who initially took a lot of the blame (I can relate to the TV thing in your OP) because he's just that sweet.

Like you I very much liked and respected my AP and I miss him. But I had to go NC to make my M work. It has only been like a week, but I am committed to devoting myself to my marriage.

I get (internally) defensive about my AP when my H disparages him as a cheating scumbag. Which is horrible, awful of me and I hope to someday be able to view him that way...but right now I don't. He's "a great guy" who is trapped in a loveless marriage. I know.

I am a deeply damaged person who has always had trouble feeling remorse, I think because I was molested as a little girl. Aside from the affair, I've never done anything really bad...but H and I agree I'm a little bit of a non-practicing sociopath. I've never gotten counseling because I have a 145 IQ and do not need anyone's help. I know.

Anyway, I read this thread with great interest. I can totally relate to a lot of what you said, and I do not blame you for it.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1: I'm sorry you are going through this; it's not a fun place to be.

I don't have any negative feelings toward my AP and I don't ever want to. Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us? Are we any less of a scumbag? Do we always want to be thought of that way?

It sounds like we have some other things in common too. I wish you and your husband the best. I hope it works out for you two.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us?

I believe so, at least at the time of the affair.

The difference, IMO, lies in remorse. Oftentimes, if the OP is not married, they behave even after D-day as if they have "no skin in the game" and therefore make no apologies for their behavior. My OM was single, and for a long time I was resentful that he got to skate, with no consequences and not even the personal feeling that he did anything wrong.

An affair takes two people to happen, but it only takes one to end it---or, better yet, only one to shut it down before it even goes there.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken0903: I agree with you. I don't think my AP necessarily got to skate free though. He is in love with me and wants to marry me. He is left alone while I get to keep my husband. We each have consequences -- they are just different.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
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Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any negative feelings toward my AP and I don't ever want to

Indifference is actually best. Is that a goal you are shooting for?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4521 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl: I never really thought about indifference being a goal. I'm just not one to hold on to negativity as I'd rather my heart be filled with love than hate.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
ophelia24
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Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl: I never really thought about indifference being a goal. I'm just not one to hold on to negativity as I'd rather my heart be filled with love than hate.

Indifference is not negativity or hate, and there is definitely a tone of "unlike you TG who sounds negative" in this response.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. tired girl has asked me several questions and I always try to reply. I don't think she sounds negative at all. I think she is trying to be helpful. If it sounds like I am implying that, tired girl, I apologize.

I agree that indifference is not the same. I was just saying the idea of being indifferent toward the AP had not crossed my mind as a goal.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
luckyllama
♀ New Member
Member # 39152
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not coming across very well with my responses so I think it's best if I stop replying to questions.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2013
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again LL.

I don't think you or TG has been negative. You say she is trying to help and you betcha she is. I just don't think you are ready for the help that TG can offer. She is a rockstar on this forum and so far has been good at keeping you engaged on your thread. But I just see you answering her questions with as little digging into yourself as possible. Sure you can see she is trying to help but you have your mind made up.

I have been happy to see that you are still on the site and hope that you might consider taking in more of the advice that has been given. Many of the who's who on this forum have poured their heart out to you in hopes of getting thru to you. I have been amazed at the support that is out there for you. I hope you have taken it allllllll in girl.


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2012
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I wrote doesn't mean I am 100% right Lama, I'm prepared to be wrong, however the last part of that sentence made me bristle with the underlying feeling of it having a "I'm better than that" attitude. And I decided to share that with you. Its not easy either putting yourself out there to be wrong, but I did. Everything we write is a risk of some sort, even if it is anonymous.

And it seems a common theme on this thread that when you don't like something someone says, or you feel misunderstood, you immediately threaten to stop posting. That seems somewhat childish to me.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
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