Whatever bad is said of the other person, can't the same be said for us? Are we any less of a scumbag? Do we always want to be thought of that way?
Unfortunately I am beginning to realize what a scumbag I am. Not a fun revelation. I took the easy path (blame husband and seek external fulfillment) instead of the right one (have a very difficult conversation about our M).
Can I offer my perspective, briefly, about telling your H? Currently I'm divided between wishing mine had never found out, and gratitude that it forced me to admit my feelings to him. Wishing he'd never found out, because my betrayal hurt him so deeply. Gratitude, because I have faith that we will come out closer and stronger than ever.
On the indifference topic: yes, I have evolved (since yesterday! LOL) and no longer think harboring ill will toward former AP is healthy. Others (in this thread I think and elsewhere) have wisely said replacing affection with disdain grants the former AP too much head/heart space. Yesterday (in midst of tough conversation with H) I was relieved to realize I didn't have to suppress an urge to reach out to former AP, because I genuinely didn't have the urge. Reconnecting with H has obviated that former need.
Trying to be succinct because I don't want to hijack your thread. At some point I may start one myself, but I can't yet. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your experiences.