It dawned on me tonight in the grocery store that is't about that time. 18 months out. Time for some action. Life is getting normal and typical again. Time for some spark and pizzazz right? I "should" be looking for my next plate of ego kibbles. That is the old me. New me isn't doing so hot, but she isn't completely self-destructing.
Maybe that's why I've been squirrely lately. Maybe it was a subconscious thing. *shrug*
I'm a ball of nerves, had a crappy few weeks, can't sleep at night, caved and had a Coke day, (first one in over 8+ weeks) the excessive sugar made me sick and super cranky.
I finally just finished proofs for a photo project. I procrastinated till the crazy last minute. Didn't even want to do this shoot to begin with but two of my dearest friends said it would be good for me. Because ya know, photography is my "thing" and it would be good for me, I'd find my groove and whatnot. Yeah, didn't happen.
Photography sucks. My stupid camera is a trigger. It's the same dang one I used with AP. He would give me these mini challenges. I have an hour to do XYZ while he's in a meeting. I never failed him. Finished every challenge. Hate the camera, hate the editing process, hate that something I once enjoyed is tainted. Keep trying to reclaim it. Hasn't worked yet.
Blogging is out the window. Haven't been to my blog in a year. Can't do it. Because the last time, I was living a double life. I can't bear to log in and read it all. Read about all the happy family stuff and know what was really going down at the time.
And last but not least, I get to start medicating again. Can't sleep. Up all night, reading SI or staring at the wall. My body clock is so off. Drives my husband crazy when I get like this.
I'm going to be mental by the time the G2G rolls around in 9 days. Yes, we're still going. Is it a good idea, who knows. But Mr. Aubrie needs a break from work and quite frankly, I could use a change of scenery.
Positives for the day:
Finished proof packages
Listened to DD read 6 books
Spent a few quite minutes with Mr.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
I think the g2g will be good for you. Whenever I go, I feel like it's a years worth of therapy in one or two days. (Not that we talk about As the whole time, that's just what I feel like afterwards from being around SI people).
Isn't it funny how our bodies and mind become so conditioned to do, think, feel a certain way? It's important to create new routines and happy associations with life activities, and recreate our 'normal'.
In time you will find your groove. Keep at it, this is a tough time in R but it will start to steadily improve soon. I promise .
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I can relate to that TAINTED feeling you describe regarding your camera. Many things my wife and the OM did together now taints our life...walks in the park, our dog, my wifes running, maternity pics of her...I will stop there as I want to keep my post short....but you get the picture.
Be patient with yourself..I sense you are pretty down on yourself...I see this in my WW too.
I THINK you are improving. I KNOW your posts help me out a lot.
What is G2G?
My wife and I attended a Weekend to Remember event...I would recommend that if you are looking for a weekend of nurturing WITHOUT the A being the focus of your marriage.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:33 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
G2G is when SIers get together. Sometimes large groups, sometimes smaller groups of people...always a great time.
Members post about them in Fun and Games.
I've been in a rut for a while with some major hits at work for me and some for the kids at school. Things just seemed to be piling up, sleep patterns are messed up, putting off doing things that need to be done...And it sort of came to a head over the weekend. Gerrygirl and I had a long talk where I just sort of unloaded all of this stuff on her. It was stressful, but after a couple hours, we were able to be thankful that we both could sit down and talk about all of this uncomfortable stuff without either of us getting defensive. Are the problems gone? No, but at least I'm not keeping it all bottled up anymore.
Does Mr. know about the camera trigger or the blog issue? I guess I'm curious why those two things still exist if they were such a big part of the A/OM.
Isn't it funny how our bodies and mind become so conditioned to do, think, feel a certain way?
blakesteele, one of our mandatory things since Dday is date day/night with one another at least once a month. (Preferably twice or more.) On those dates, we aren't allowed to talk about the kids or the A. They're good dates. We always have a great time together. Done alot of cool, new things that way.
Baxter, yes he knows about the camera trigger. After Dday, everything else was more important. I didn't hardly use it, and neither of us made a serious conscious effort to replace it. It's a dinosaur DSLR. And now that it's starting to malfunction, I've been shopping new ones the past couple weeks. The plan is to get a new one within the next 2-3 weeks. It's a "major" purchase for us and "major" purchases don't happen till it's beyond necessary.
We had the opportunity to purchase a new one recently but ended up with a handgun instead. He'd been wanting a certain model, a relative was selling one, Mr. Aubrie got all googly eyed. I couldn't say no. The joy that he gets out of that gun...it's like a kid at Christmas. When I relinquished my want for his want, he was over the moon. Even though I was disappointed, I know it was the right thing to do.
The blog, I just walked away from. It's still "published" but I never go there. He asked me a couple months ago why I never post anymore. It's a mixture of bad memories and not wanting to give a window into our lives anymore. Most of my friends and family read it. They all loved it. But I'm just...not feeling it now.
I know that if I shut the blog down, I'm going to have to copy everything. It covers alot of the kid's activities and adventures and I don't want to lose those. Guess it's just finding the nerve to get in there, get what I need, shut down, and get out. Haven't gotten to that point yet.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 7:52 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]
I seriously doubt you are socially awkward.
Hang in there, things will straighten out soon.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
Take it easy on yourself. Bad days happen. Try other things you enjoy doing, or try learning something new that could take your attention and give you new focus. Keep counting the blessings each day. You'll be back on the upswing in no time.
I start wondering if I am tainted. But then I see how my husband looks at me, the way he burrows his face into my neck at night, I know I'm more to him, that all is not hopeless.
The sun was shining today.
Dropped off the proofs and everyone is going ga-ga over them. That means more sales. Yay.
Found out I lost 2 pounds, despite drinking that nasty Coke yesterday.
Fell asleep on Mom's couch for a couple hours this afternoon. Felt incredible.
Keep up the positive outlook, Aubrie. You rock!
I suggest that when you can get that camera that you should buy it and then take the old one and use Mr. Aubrie's handgun and blow that thing away. Shoot away all those bad memories. I think it will feel good and can be very symbolic of purging yourself of those things in the past that you want to get rid of.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
That is an awesome idea gahurts! We both grinned at that suggestion.
I picked up my photo order today. There was enough money to buy a simple point and shoot camera and have extra spending money for the G2G next weekend too.
We went to BestBuy tonight and Lady Luck was in my favor. We found a great bundle deal on a little camera. It'll tide me over till I get the big DSLR I need. (Was playing with the DSLR in the store. *drool* I can't imagine the feeling of actually owning it. *swoon*)
One step closer.
I don't have much to offer, but I can completely relate with how you were feeling. Don't you hate how much time it takes to get to a point where you aren't so hard on yourself, and the triggers stop?
I was about to tell you that it gets better (and it does!) - and these awful times go away, but that's not entirely true. Heck - I was on a nice, week-long tropical vacation with my husband (sans kiddos!) last week... almost a full 7 years from when I joined here... and I had a sort of trigger. I triggered from the joy of simply being with my husband and cherishing his presence; I had a moment where I realized quite clearly that I nearly threw this all away. The guilt and fear and remorse were overwhelming. We cried and hugged through it together, though, and I live every moment grateful for having my husband in my life.
I will keep you lifted in my thoughts with warmth and peace!