Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: surprised1 (45370)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: dont know what to do?
rollerager
♀ Member
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm always finding out something new when I believe its getting better.

I can tell there are things he's still hiding but I don't know if I want to know. Part of me feels I deserve that and the other part is just so scared.

I just don't know what to do right now.


BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.


Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, your feeling is legatimate especially when you look at your DDay history. You feel like you're being strung along because you are. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't know what to do so you do nothing? He's been in two relationships for several years now, and he's continued to do so and you've stayed and made your family larger with him. He has no incentive to change because he knows you'll be right there waiting for him.... just like you have repeatedly in the past.

If he has no incentive to change, then what makes you think he will? What do you want to do about it? Or do you just prefer to do nothing?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The quantity of DDays you've had is startling (yes, I've had a LOT of DDays, but it's always startling when I see others with quite a few, too!).

Have you considered drawing a bottom line? Like, if he cheats or engages in ANY A-like behavior, he has to leave the house. A home with children is no place for emotional abusers, which is what a WS is doing to you by having affairs.

Then, if he continues, he has obviously assigned a higher value to his AP(s) than to his own family unit.

At least then you'd know, and this hell could finally start to come to an end. Think of it that way. May not be the outcome your wishing for or dreaming of, but it's better than hell. That, I can assure you.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
rollerager
♀ Member
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been living apart for 3 weeks and will continue to do so. We are both going to counseling.

I didn't really understand the comment that I'm not doing anything.


BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.


Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait a second...you said part of you feels like you deserve that? Are you saying you think you might deserve to be lied to? WHY??? I worry you think that way because he has told you that and you believe it. Is he blaming you in any way for his cheating?

No one deserves to be lied to, strung along, cheated on. It is good to hear you are in counseling.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to decide exactly what you want and or need to know.
Some posters in SI want every single detail. Some, like myself, don't need them. I know there was an inappropriate friendship. My WH had an EA possibly PA.
Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not.
We have been to IC/MC and I've made it very clear what I expect in R and our M. If he chooses to EVER go down this path again, I will divorce. That is crystal clear.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You deserve a relationship based on honesty. If you don't care about something, it's fine not to ask.

If you fear the answer, you need to ask your question.

If you fear he'll lie if you ask, you need to give him the chance to tell the truth, and you need to hit him with serious sanctions if he lies.

Accepting his lies is terrible for you and could be just as bad for your kids, who learn how to live from you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rollerager
♀ Member
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I deserve the truth and althoughhe says he's told me everything I just don't know if I believe that


BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.


Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pew- you really hit home for me with this- "Do I need to know what happened? No. As of now, the betrayal is what hurts. The lies. Maybe in the future I will need to know more. Maybe not. "

My ws and I seem to be doing okay, heading in the right direction and then she decides to answer a question I pose instead of shutting down, and it sends me back to hell. I give up. I guess I am one of those that doesn't need all the details and I need to stop torturing myself asking about them.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.