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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: That ticking bomb feeling
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma- since I take note and trust your happy posts I'll take note and trust your advice- it's only fair- I'll look into getting referred to a counsellor- it can't do any harm can it.

Thanks Id ....I am happy, but really most of my healing has been the last year ...actually even the last 6 months.

It takes a long time. I had issues with letting "stuff" go and held on much longer than needed.

We all get to where we need to be in our own time. The most important thing, to me, is that we get to where we need to be in a healthier way.

If you find a good IC it is worth it, really is.

And as you said...

it can't do any harm can it.

No, my friend, it can't.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought she'd have probably posted on here- I don't go on the W side and she doesn't go on here.

The thing is- it's my workplace too- my studios on a different floor- it's humiliating for me too.

My love isn't deep down- I wish it was- my love is on the surface and it's bleeding it's painful. I just want to hold her tight and make it go away.

Over the weekend I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I am to have this amazing woman in my life- I'm not articulate enough to describe how amazing she is.

This week I can't stop thinking about why she would want to hurt me so much and spoil our family. I can be insensitive and I am an idiot- I wasn't there for her when she needed me but I don't know what I did to deserve all this- I was just scared for her before- I don't like drink or drugs, I don't like her living in her own head- she has said some funny things and I was scared for her and didn't do it right and I know it- but did it have to take this to show me?? If it did then I'm more of an idiot than I thought- either an idiot or a horrible person.

Edited to say- Thank you Karma- I've taken note I promise I'll give it a go.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

idiot85... don't beat yourself up so much. What happened was your being human. You were different than who you see yourself as, you reacted out of anger in a place where you usually act out of love and that scared you. You want to be in control of yourself as we all do and in that instance you felt out of control.
I agree that you should try IC...I know you are resistant. I am actually having my first session today and am very anxious. But you will hopefully get some skills to make you always be able to act like yourself, be able to have more control but still be able to own your own anger and know what to do with it.

Tell her to throw the clothes out.
I asked my husband to throw out the clothes he was wearing in pictures I found of them. Makes me feel much better to know I will never see him in those again and no one else will either. It's good that you are thinking of ways to heal and avoid triggers like this.
((Hugs)) to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the weekend I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I am to have this amazing woman in my life

You have said something like this a few times. Either this or referring to she being "all that".

What about YOU? Do you not get how wonderful you are? How lucky she is to have you?

I am starting to wonder what baggage you are carrying Idiot, really, you sound like the old me and I had lots of it

You need to stop this thinking. She is no better than you...

No ONE person deserves to be any more "special" in a relationship. You both have special qualities that you can bring together in your marriage to make one bond, of equal partners.

But stop acting as though she walks on water and see the truth. She is human, with faults...the only reason why she didn't sink is because she is using you as her buoy right now...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's sort of- I don't know how to phrase this so I hope you know what I mean- more of a grown up than me!! She's usually so sensible and clever and believe it or not makes good decisions- we went to a theme park over the weekend and I'm like a big kid "let's go here let's go there" and she was like "yeah and *6 month nephew* can hold the bags"- duh!!!

And she honestly says things that I've never even thought about and I love that- she just says something and it blows my mind.

She's cool- like a real life actual cool person- the youngsters at the college love her and her work and she's very popular- in a good way- she's a brilliant Mummy my kids ADORE her- her family (overly) rely on her because she can get things done- I'll stand looking at a lawn mower for 45mins wondering why it isn;t working- then she'll pull out the choke.

AND she is honestly swear to God so beautiful- I've never seen anyone as beautiful ever- even out of famous people!!!

I on the other hand am more like an overgrown puppy- a johnny bravo type, fairly good looking (so the young girls say), tall, big muscles but thick as hell. I'm daft as a brush and spit out my dummy when it doesn't go my way.

p.s. she might be able to walk on water but I can't confirm it

Edited to add- The other thing about her that I can't believe I missed is that she is so strong about anything at all- she can just work out a plan of action no matter what is going on. Everyone feels better when they've talked to her about something- big or small. With her own shit like pills and powders- got pregnant- stopped completely- isn't bothered. She was still taking this pill that was OK when pregnant but I told her it was pissing me off and she just stopped- other people get addicted but she can just be like STOPPED. She's stronger than me and she knows it- she's told me lots of times recently.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 11:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet even as daft as you are you have wonderful qualities too. You should start thinking about what they are.

I am done monopolizing your thread...

Get to IC


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not monopolising!! I'm grateful for the advice- cheers Karma- I feel a bit better I really do.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not monopolising!! I'm grateful for the advice- cheers Karma- I feel a bit better I really do.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Idiot(lol). Hey...don't
be so hard on yourself.

On one hand..I get it..you love her,she's your wife,etc. OTOH, she also had sex with 3 random strangers in alleys and public bathrooms. So,IMO,your anger is justified...of course it is.

Here's the thing..and Im not talking specifically about your WW..but in general...if you act like a whore,then I don't think you have any right to be offended when you're called one. If you act like an asshole,then don't be surprised when someone calls you out on it. KWIM?

Is name calling good for R? No. But it is normal for a person who has been betrayed on the level you(and most of us) have. It will pass. And it is something you need to get control of,if you do want to R with her. Not only for her..but for YOU. I called my WH a few names during our R..and it made ME feel worse.

Doing it in front of coworkers...too far..yes. But then..fucking 3 random men is a bit too far also. Don't humiliate yourself..or her..in front of people you work with..also..it makes those coworkers feel awkward and uncomfortable,and they don't deserve that.

Admittedly...Im triggery and angry today..so maybe it's coming through in this post. It just pisses off that they get all upset and humiliated when a BS calls them a name..based on THEIR own damn actions..then cry because what you said was mean. If you don't want to be called a whore...don't act like it. Again..not speaking about your WW specifically..but WW's in general who have not done the work on themselves to become healthy(we have many FWW's here that are amongst my favorite members..).


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is obvious that your wife is articulate and highly intelligent. Maybe you don't measure up to her standards, then why have you payed her the respect of staying faithful and loyal, while she barfed all over her marriage, leaving a stench that will be linger for the rest of your relationship.

Obviously being intelligent isn't all its cracked up to be.....


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry 85, I feel your pain. In the early morning hours my wife finally admitted certain things that she's been lying about since D Day. She also added that she texted pics of her breasts and vagina to the OM. It's a hard thing to grasp and process that your wife, the mother of your children, is capable of things like this.

Wish I had some words of comfort. It sounds like your wife just went completely off the rails, as did mine (ironic to this analogy, she slept with a guy who works for a railroad).

Just know that there are plenty of men and women out there who can relate to your pain. Hang in there bro.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Confused- I hope your day's improved- thanks for your kind words I know it's especially difficult on bad days and I agree with you- I know name calling is hurtful but you know what else is? Shagging random men- unsurprisingly it's definitely hurt.

I do agree that it ends up making me feel worse and I felt like like a right dickhead at work today- a few colleagues thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing and say shit like "it's been 4 months- move on"- GGRRRR!!!- I'd been doing well not calling her names but for some reason I just went on a mega downer and it came back with a vengence.

Sal- I've seen some of your posts and I'm sorry mate- I hope you get some peace too.

Tonight was a definite improvement- I'm still not right and had her head off a few times but we had a few little laughs too.

I nearly fucked it up in my kind of style- I needed a haircut and asked if she wanted to do it before or after dinner- she said "I'm easy"- so what does this bright spark say- "I know"- then I had to say I didn't mean it, it was a joke- too late though- both triggered by my stupid brain.

I hope I sharpen up soon because I'm totally shattered.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
wastoosoft
♀ New Member
Member # 39176
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counselling is working for me, just having someone there to verify that I didnt deserve the treatment I got, you can be honest with them about what you are like, what the situation is, what they are like.
I finally came to the conclusion yesterday that if my WH loved me like he said he did then he would not have messed about and walked away when found out, he would have stopped and worked things out, because our problems were not insurmountable, I had suggested marriage guidance, but that was not good enough for him, so really in the end he just lied, he didnt love me, now that is another mountain I have to climb, but with the help of the counsellor I will get there.

The fact your wife has stayed with you and apologised, must mean she wants to work at it, that she must love you to some degree, at least you have that, but to keep her, you also have to work on the way you handle her, so counselling is the best way to help you through that.

I really feel for you, I do.

Also I suggest marriage guidance for you both too, so that you can get to the bottom of the problem, find out what it is that leads her to do such things, and having a 3rd person there, looking on the outside in and hopefully pinpointing the problem can help you towards a healthier, happier marriage.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do


Me - BW (48)
Him - WH (51)
M - 16 yrs together 20 yrs
D Day - 27-12-12
OW - LeeAnn
2 Kids - 28 & 17
Seperated - 29-12-12 (great way to spend the new year)
NC with me but contacts son once in a blue moon

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Goole
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wastoosoft- hi there- I'm sorry to hear what you've been through- I can't imagine how painful that would be.

I'm going along to my GP later to get a referral so I'll give it a go- I don't have anything against it- like I said I've been before and it helped but I think I have too many why questions and a counsellor isn't going to answer that- since everyone seems to think I should go I'd be an idiot not to give it a whirl.

Today is better btw- I'm managing to squash my triggers pretty well- here's for a good weekend!!!

Cheers everyone!!!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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