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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Too soon?
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-day was only this past March. But for years my stbx and I were miserable with each other and I was lonely, so lonely. He finally cheated and I caught him. Anyway, as soon as I filed for divorce I started a FB acct to connect with friends and family for support. I never had one previously. Well, one person I reconnected with is my best friend from my teen years. I truly loved him as a friend and had feelings for him.
So, we start talking daily. Texting almost nonstop since late March. We have hung out twice (we live a couple hrs from each other).

He just made it known that he would like to explore this relationship further. SLOWLY but take it to the next step. I am truly excited at the prospect especially since he wants to go slow because he's also terrified of ruining our friendship.

Thoughts? I have not replied to him yet and I recognize it took a lot of courage for him to even email his feelings like that.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was lonely, so lonely

I think this is a good indicator that you are probably not ready. I could only think that a codependent relationship is what will spawn from this. I would think getting yourself to a place where you aren't so lonely will benefit you more for then you'll have a good support structure in place to fall back on if the red flags get too numerous.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51523 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely too soon. You haven't even had time to begin to heal from this and neither have your children. Like it or not, they must be considered in this.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Generally, if you have to ask...it is too soon. It is tempting to go into something familiar, but generally these early relationships don't end well.

If he is really a friend, he will wait. Take this time to explore yourself and heal...and maintain a friendship with him while you are transitioning into your new life.

When you are ready to date, you will know.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neither have your children. Like it or not, they must be considered in this.

i would never do anything to hurt my kids. when i speak of this man it is purely simple "friendship" talk. they do not need to know i am thinking romantically about some one nor do they need to see me in a relationship yet. my stbx had his whore spend the night in our home with our son the same week i filed for divorce. i would never do something like that. my kids are #1 and this guy is well aware of that.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is wayyyyy toooo soooon. BTDT and got WH#2. Not saying that all men are cheaters, but I met WH#2 3 months after filing for D. We started to date immediately. I was also lonely and had been for a long time. I kept him away from my son for 6 months until I was sure we were committed. D took 2.5yrs and was very ugly. We married about 3 months after my D from XWH#1. I thought everything was wonderful and never had any indication at the time he was having a LTA with an old GF. I see the red flags now, but was too emotionally involved to see them at the time. That is why people say to give it time and not to jump into another relationship. You must find yourself again and mourn the loss of your first marriage. If this guy really wants you, he will wait for you to heal. If he doesn't want to wait, he is not worth the effort in the long run. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fear nothing we say will deter you from jumping into this... You're probably going to rationalize away our experiences...

All anyone one here is trying to do is to get you to decompress from your M and it's demise... Learn to be happy by yourself and with yourself and not repeat the same mistakes we've made...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5952 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when i speak of this man it is purely simple "friendship" talk.

I'm sorry, but your kids are old enough to figure out what your "friend" actually is. Even the thought of somebody new being in the picture can cause unnecessary stress to your children right now. They didn't even need to know you were chatting/meeting this guy and I certainly hope you didn't already introduce him to them.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had an 8 month relationship end because we started dating too soon after his D. I knew the risk, but I did it anyway, but he realizes now how unfair it was to put me in that position.

In addition to the other advice you've received, the risk for dating too soon is not only "are you ready?" but considering that if you're not you may seriously hurt someone by presenting yourself to be ready for something you're not.

If you've never checked out www.baggagereclaim.com, you might consider reading a few articles there about dating readiness.

[This message edited by persevere at 1:58 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4378 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'll check out the site, thank you.

i guess i'm telling myself that we'll just be good friends and take things really slow.

i appreciate all the advice and will do a lot of thinking.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Far too soon.

There's a saying around here "broken attracts broken".

I understand the temptation - I really do. But there is no way to bypass what you'll need to go through to heal from this.

Someone new makes bypassing it all seem possible. It is not, it will still rear its ugly head and you won't have time/space to deal with it appropriately.

There are already too many mixed emotions at play.

I'm dating casually. I waited 7m and I told myself that its never too early for casual but it is, it really is. Its a coping mechanism and a toxic one at that. Not to mention the unexpected complications.

I've yet to take my own advice completely but I'm working on it.

Quite frankly I am a bit judgemental about those who pursue a relationship further than casual with me this early on. One suitor was love bombing me mere weeks after S when I was still a complete and utter hot mess. I was holding it together but I was still a hot mess.

I am not yet unbroken. My picker is on the fritz. There is no way would I embark on a relationship this soon.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5444 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"if you have to ask then...."

yes its too soon


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with everyone here - it's too soon, especially because you had to ask.

I have not replied to him yet and I recognize it took a lot of courage for him to even email his feelings like that.

This quote bothers me - this is something that should be brought up and discussed face to face. The fact is that almost all of this relationship development has not been in person. It's so easy to be "on" and perfect via email and text and FB. At the very least, I would suggest getting to know each other in person for a while before considering anything more. There's no rush!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4925 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
roseguide
♀ Member
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I received the same advice from these same people months ago.
I was too caught up in my own emotions and bull**** and I knew that my situation would absolutely be different.

Nope.

I started dating only 3 months out from D-Day. It took me 1 one month relationship and 1 five month relationship to realize myself that it was way too soon.

The most important hings I learned:
1. I was just trying to replace the feeling of being in a couple.
2. I was trying to prove I was still a hot commodity.
3. I wanted to be with someone because XWH was with someone and I didn't want to look like a pathetic loser.
4. Items 1, 2 & 3 are no reason to start a relationship and not at all fair to the other person.

I now realize I'm still desirable and I want a relationship at some point but right now it's all about me and building my life alone. While I was not responsible for the affair I was responsible for being the codependent partner that allowed it to happen. You need to detox from your past relationship in order to move forward into a healthy relationship.

Suggested reading:
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by
Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

Sign up for newsletters on:
http://lovesagame.com/
http://www.marcandangel.com/


I read this random thought on FB and it somehow changed my outlook-
"I'm not single. I'm independently owned and operated."


D final 12/3/12 6 months and 4 days from D-day
My only missteps were; 1. Listening to lies because I didn't want to see the painful truth, 2. Letting it go on this long, 3. Being capable of love beyond all reason and condition - Eumenides, SI member

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 14

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