I posted in another thread that "there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it." I had been lurking a while and was probably mostly through withdrawal and fog when I confessed. Several others who confessed seemed to have done the same...
...I'm not sure I was right about that. I was thinking about BS posts I have read in other forums stating how hard it was for the BS to watch their wayward going through withdrawal. I can imagine how painful that would be.
But then again, the BS has a right to know...why you are tearful, anxious, depressed, edgy, miserable. I certainly don't advocate using your BS' pain to help you process your own but I feel handing my BH his d-day helped snap me out of the fog and withdrawal pretty quick. That wasn't why I confessed though.
There is Maia's survival guide, and MessedUpChick's confessions post but anyone else have any suggestions we can share on helping with withdrawal?
there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it
Speaking as a BH here, the most important things WW can show me are her true and honest feelings. No filters, no barriers, no subterfuge, minimization, misdirection or lying.
Only then do I get the info I need to make the best possible decisions for myself.
Seeing the truth is often very painful, but it's always worked out worse when the truth was hidden from me.
"there is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it."
There is no "right" or "perfect" way to do this. We can sit here and discuss whether we should be non-fogged or not before confession. And again, there is a con to every pro. Either way, the BS is going to face monumental pain.
In my humble opinion, the day you "wake up" and realize something has to change, that is the day you confess. For or no fog. Withdrawal or no withdrawal. The BS needs to know what they have married, what they are dealing with, and decide whether they are willing to put up with it. Otherwise, we are still making decisions for them that really shouldn't be left up to us. kwim?
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
But then again, the BS has a right to know
..I'm not sure I was right about that. I was thinking about BS posts I have read in other forums stating how hard it was for the BS to watch their wayward going through withdrawal. I can imagine how painful that would be.
It's painful, either way. IMO, it's less so if we know the truth. There is nothing worse than knowing something is horribly wrong, while being told otherwise. I'm not the first BS to say--nor will I be the last--that it's not the infidelity that ends a marriage; it's the behavior surrounding it.
I think I would do better to take myself out of the equation when thinking about how to help others. It gets in the way of objectivity. I think I will sit quietly for a while and work on getting this beam out....
There is something to be said for getting through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it.
In more plain terms - hide the affair from your spouse until you decide it's the right time for him to know the truth. This is just lying, and continued disrespect to the BS. The BS is not a child that needs someone to decide for him when it's appropriate to let him in on the reality of the person he's living with. The day we realize we've been unfaithful is the day the truth should be told. There is no "too early" to tell the truth IMO. I haven't gone thru one day without thinking I wish I had been honest at the very first day there was an inkling of EA in my mind, and had been honest with my BH everyday since then. That is the only way to have a truely respectful, loving marriage - complete honesty. I lost so much of our time and created such deep pain because of this mentality of hiding truths from my husband because I thought it would be better for him to not know. I wish I can make every WS see how important it is to confess and tell the truth TODAY no matter how the WS feel. Being free from lies is the only way we can start living a life worth living.
I wish I had been honest at the very first day there was an inkling of EA in my mind, and had been honest with my BH everyday since then.
I'm very concerned right now about why I had to think about this. What got in the way of me seeing this clearly?
I guess I will t/j myself and tell off...
Recently my BH, our kids, and I were at the ball field at the same time as fAP and his BW. The BW saw me because my kids told me some lady we had walked past said, "...and there's the witch now..." I hadn't seen her and was distracted because it was the first time I had seen my college DD in a couple months so I said, "I didn't see her, she must have been talking to someone else." Shortly after it dawned on me that it was likely fAP's BW.
The girls talked about it in front of BH so he was instantly on high alert. I never did see her or maybe I did and didn't realize it was her (she's lost a lot of weight and looks different, BH wasn't sure he was seeing her either). BUT I did glimpse fAP. I made it a point not to look and was concerned about keeping BH away from that area.
I didn't tell BH until several days after that I had seen fAP. (Lie of ommision.)The excuse I gave myself was that I wanted BH to be okay. He's very concerned about how he/we behave in public, blah, blah, blah...
What I think now is. I had no right. I should have told him I saw the fAP immediately and trusted him to handle it the way he saw fit. He is a big boy and has proven he has much better judgment than I.
*sadly*I'm not there yet...not anywhere near where I need to be. I want to help others but I still need desperately to help myself.
We can all say what's technically right and wrong. There is a text book answer for everything in life. But real life situations and contexts demand real life behaviours. My intense withdrawal after d-day was terrible and although I told my husband about the affair shortly after the reaction was so far from text book.
From my own personal experience, living with someone knowing they are not getting out of bed for days because they're heartbroken about another man, is not something EVERY person wants to see, no matter how honest.
I agree fully the honesty needs to come but can it come at a bit of a later stage when your nose is not so full of snot and your eyes less puffy so you can see? Haven't we hurt our BS's enough for them to have to see that state also?
What did your BH say about you waiting to give him that info about seeing the FAP?
We have a dynamic that I think is unhealthy. I protect him from things. Screen his phone calls, write his emails and text messages (he's embarrassed by his dyslexic spelling even though he writes well), I straightened out a contract problem at work.
I think part of me waiting to tell him was this unhealthy habit, but I think there is another part. Fear of the anger it would trigger in him. I don't know why I would run from his anger now, he's respectful and safe. There was some name calling right after d-day but that is very unlike him and hasn't happened in a very long time.
He said I should have trusted him and let him handle it however he decided to. He's right.
edited for clarity
[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]
I didn't wait because of withdrawal, I waited because I was afraid. For some waiting could mean D when the relationship might have been saved had the wayward confessed sooner.
You can't protect your BS from the pain you caused them and your withdrawal is part of that. But you can stop to dig down to what you really feel before you express it.
Thinking a little bit more about withdrawal I do agree that I wasn't really withdrawing from the AP but from the feelings of the A.
AND I think my withdrawal had a lot to do with abandonment issues. I too went under the bus.
The studies about brain chemistry and romantic rejection...I'm a believer.
Abandonment issues and rejection are topics I probably need to revisit some day. Not today though. Boundaries are for breakfast lunch and dinner today.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:57 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]
But you can stop to dig down to what you really feel before you express it. Maybe that's all a WS can do to remain honest but respectful of their pain...I don't know.
I really agree with this. I used to think that complete transparency with my H means saying every single unfiltered thought on my mind. I have since learned that I need to be mindful and sensitive of how that person may feel with my comments no matter how honest. That doesn't mean I'm not honest or real, it just means sometimes it's okay to not share every single internal thought. I guess this is about boundaries?
AND I think my withdrawal had a lot to do with abandonment issues. I too went under the bus.
This has been hard for me. It was abrupt and shocking for everyone involved. I rugswept this and it needs to be processed.
I've always had issues with never feeling good enough. This reinforced those issues. What I'm starting to realise is it actually had nothing to do with me as a person, but more with the situation as a whole. Someone on SI once described it as being a "casualty of war". Perhaps within all this there are ego issues too. It's all my own shit and I'm owning it.