SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FWH never wrote a proper NC letter to OW, just stopped communicating with her. This always bothered me and I asked him to write a letter that he would send to her if he could (we won't send it, of course). To me this was an exercise to see where he is now with regard to his feelings for OW and their relationship.

Well, he finally gave it to me and I don't feel good about it. Basically, he shared his anger with her at "what she had done to him". He also blamed her for hurting me. He took no responsibility at all for the whole thing. (He did make reference to being angry at himself, but I sense that was more due to him feeling stupid about falling for her manipulation than for hurting me, but I could be wrong about that.) Now, I know he has good reason to be angry at her for some of the things she did--she deliberately caused him to lose his job, among other things. But him telling her that she manipulated him for her own purposes, calling her dishonest and deceptive and saying that she knew that he was "tortured" but she persisted anyway, seems like a big giant blameshift to me. Almost like he is saying that had no control over the situation.

He did acknowledge his love for me and his gratefulness that he did not lose me in the process. He did acknowledge that he failed and betrayed me. This was something I wanted to see, as he never told her that IRL. But the whole thing seems to boil down to "My wife was nice to me and you were not, so I stayed with her." It has left me feeling empty and sad.

So what do I do with this? I asked for it and I don't want to be critical of his feelings and his efforts to express them, but I do feel like I need to discuss it with him. I guess I was hoping that he would say that he never loved her and he was just using her as an escape from his depression, which is what he has told me. It really reads more like she never loved him and was just using him.

I would recommend sharing with him what you shared in this posting (in your own words, of course). Articulate that you feel that blameshifting is occurring, and that it doesn't make you feel loved and appreciated, and it makes you question his true motives, intent, etc. If he can't see this as 100% his fault (the A, that is), then he needs to do a bit more digging, soul searching and exploring.

Is he in IC, or are you both in MC? A good IC or MC can articulate this in a 'non-threatening' way (not suggesting it's threatening from you, but a neutral 3rd party can convey it in a way that doesn't indicate any 'skin in the game').

This is a tough one. My fWH gets upset if I criticize his efforts and feels like he can't do anything right, which sets us back. In his case, his defensiveness (which we are working on in therapy) causes him to put up walls and so I have to tread carefully.

I agree that MC may be the best place to address this. Or just praise his efforts and just ask for clarification on a few points.

Thank you for your responses. We are in MC and I do agree that it would be a good thing to bring up there. I have written some notes and I think I will ask him to clarify and/or elaborate on some of the things he wrote, then just listen to what he has to say. I know this was difficult for him to do and I do appreciate his effort. He has a hard time talking about these feelings, but I believe that it useful in healing for both of us.

He has said that he takes full responsibility for the A, but I think he still has some conflicting emotions about that, mostly feeling stupid about getting himself into this situation. He did not see how crazy she was until he was in over his head and, in retrospect, he realizes that he signs were all there. "How could you do this to me?" is easier to live with than "How could I have allowed this to happen?" He is a work in progress.

This is going to sound strange. I wish my WW had written a NC letter like that.

The more conflict between she and the OM, the safer I feel.

Your husband might've been trying to boost your feelings by showing he's on your side against the "intruder" in your marriage.

FeelingSoMuch, I don't think that sounds strange at all, especially if you fear continued contact or fond feelings of some kind between your WW and OM. In my case, I have no fear of that, because my FWH broke off the A and then she went on a rampage of revenge, which included outing the A to me (by showing up on our doorstep), making unfounded accusations with his employer that caused him to lose his job and filing a complaint with his professional licensing organization (dismissed, thankfully). He was done with her when he broke it off, but he was REALLY done with her by the time all this other stuff happened.

I know he has reason to be angry with her, but he mentioned hating her in this letter and I want him to understand that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I think at this point I would feel better about indifference. I think he would feel better, too. He needs to take that step for his own healing.