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So, we are beginning the long process of reconciliation. We have agreed that we want to work on this marriage. He has cried and apologized, not just for the affair, but for not being a good husband in general. We have discussed what we think our problems were/are in the marriage. We believe that these are workable issues. He has agreed to no contact and understands what that means. He is writing a nc letter. He is also looking for a new job because he works with ow.

Now I am at a point where I am trying to get past the affair and the feelings I have about being cheated on. I do still get mind movies and triggers. He can tell when its happening, and I don't hide my pain. I guess my question is, how do I stop thinking about the affair, the him and her having sex and emailing about it and "you looked so hot today," "I want you so bad, " "I had this dream about you?"should I tell him exactly what I think about? Will this remind him of the great feeling he got from having an affair?

Thanks for any advice!

((((Meplustwo))))

I think you need to give yourself more time. You don't need to torture yourself, but it is early still. If you try to push it away, in my experience, it just comes back to bite you.

I allowed myself to experience those thoughts and feelings, just go there, for 10-15 minutes, then tried to move on to other things. Eventually those thoughts were less interesting. I would distract myself by singing Coldplay in my head, or getting involved in something else (work, a tv show...)

Are you in IC or MC? There are probably lots of things to work through.

Good luck!

If your WH is truly ready to R, then he will not be having any fond remembrances of the feelings that he had in the A. He will look back and be disgusted and disturbed by the A. I agree that you do need to tell him what you are thinking. You have to feel these feelings and work through them. As you do that, they will lessen, but it takes a lot of time. After a while, you can work on putting aside triggers and mind movies, but it is just too soon for that right now.

I would say be honest and straightforward with your WH, but try to do it in a way that is not angry and hurtful. That is the real trick to being able to discuss your pain. It is hard to do, as your WH will have negative feelings that he has to deal with as well. He will probably not enjoy hearing about your pain and it will cause him discomfort. If he can learn to live with the discomfort and you can learn to live with the anger, and you can still have a calm and productive talk about it, then you will have something. It takes a lot of trial and error for (most people) to get there. Just keep working at it.

Thanks. I am happy about trying to reconcile. I know with time, I will heal. I also try to remind myself its not about what the ow had that I didn't or that she was hotter, better in bed, a better person, a better match for him. That feels better to remind myself of that. Plus, I really do love my husband and our family. That helps too. I will try to focus on it when it comes, process the feelings, and then move on to something else. Thanks so much for the support and advice!