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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity - the blessing in disquise
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post much. I just wanted to share a recent discovery. I never thought I'd say it, but divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life. I had no idea. Once the pain, grief, and self absorbance passed I was open to the idea that the infidelity was just a symptom of a greater problem. Let's face it, good, solid marriages do not often change abruptly into an environment for affairs. Sure, some of our partners experienced an abrupt, sudden change and I feel extra bad for those folks - but really, whether the BS knew it or not, something was up before we 'found out'. Some may reconcile and good for them. others, like me, gain an opportunity. I have done the work to dig into myself and see what my 'flaws' were. How I contributed to the state of my marriage. Sure, to me it seemed great. But much of this was just plain hope. I just wanted my marriage to work and turned a blind eye, unconsciously, to making it work. I just hoped it would all work out. Call it communication, motivation, whatever - I wasn't doing it. WE weren't doing it. I didn't know how. I didn't realize it needed work/help/effort. I was a conflict avoider/people pleaser. I was complacent - trusting that, because we were married, everything would be ok. Disney, anyone?

So with TIME (T I M E) and a lot of digging, IC, and effort, I learned what I was doing 'wrong' that was not helpful to maintaining a good marriage. I wasn't asserting my needs. I accepted an unsatisfying sex life. I took on too much of the parental/nurturing role. I dug myself into a hole I could not escape from and became a doormat who was difficult to love. Sure, I did it 'for my marriage' - but it was the wrong strategy for a long term relationship. I LEARNED THAT!! And maybe I won't do it next time - this time:)

And I did (and do) a lot of other stuff wrong, too. I dated early, I drank a lot - but I came through it with little damage to myself or others. I followed the light of healing and arrived at acceptance. I didn't even know I had until I met someone. Someone who makes me feel silly, someone who makes me think about the future, about what a relationship really is. Someone who helps me see how much I've grown and changed. Someone who reminds me of who I was before I was married.

It's funny. I had to do a lot of solo work. To the point where I was me again. But I didn't realize it until i shared that with someone else. I didn't realize that I was essentially not ready or available to a relationship with the women I dated before (after D). I just thought I was 'broken' or 'scarred'. Shit, scars heal.

And so do we. And true healing lasts forever. And is priceless.

So thank God I got out of something I didn't even know I shouldn't have been in. Cheers to all you survivors!


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers! I like to think of it in terms of pruning


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep! I never knew that this kind of life was out there waiting for me.

I call it the 2nd life of Williesmom. It's wonderful, and it's mine.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done my man...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5952 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice post Gomphus!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4380 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
strugglingmomi4
♀ Member
Member # 18015
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhhh-Mazing Post Gomphus! This experience has been the same for me. It it such an enlightening and wonderful feeling to have reached this point.. the point in knowing that it was a favor done to us in disguise. I like you could not reconcile after two failed long term attempts of doing so. Although, I still feel as though I need to work on learning more about myself and my needs, I am positive that I am in the right direction.

For the most part... I just realize how extremely and amazingly blessed I truly am. So thankful for so many things...

So glad to hear you've taken something so life changing and with time, effort and self healing, you've turned it into a blessing!


...Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength...


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jan 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely true.

The M was shit long before DD. Probably long before he actually cheated.

I was miserable. For a lot of the same reasons that led him to cheat in the first place. Cold, distant, moody, selfish.

Yet I did everything to hold on. Had he not forced my hand here or had he tried to hold on I doubt I would had had the strength to walk away.

NYE 2011/2012 (two months before DD)I made a resolution that things just had to change in 2012. It didn't happen the way I expected but in many ways it happened in the way it needed to.

You're right. When you're in that hole you miss all the great stuff that is waiting for you in the sunlight. I lost myself in that toxic M and I couldn't see a way out.

It sometimes feels like I got a get out of jail free card.

I've often said that cheating was the kindest thing he did to me in the last 5 years of the M. Sad but true.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:18 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5447 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Fightingspirit
♀ Member
Member # 31652
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing.

Amen to that!


BW 37
WS Who cares...
DD 3 yrs old
DDAY1 2/17/11
DDAY2 3/11/11
DDAY3 6/26/11
DDAY4 8/2011

Divorce finalized 7/2012


Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Maryland
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is totally me:
I was a conflict avoider/people pleaser. I was complacent - trusting that, because we were married, everything would be ok. Disney, anyone?

This is also me:
I wasn't asserting my needs. I accepted an unsatisfying sex life. I took on too much of the parental/nurturing role. I dug myself into a hole I could not escape from and became a doormat who was difficult to love.

Thank you for this post. I have not started the D process but am slowly beginning to realize that it is the only option. I've been so afraid of the process ahead of me that I haven't given thought to how much better me and my daughters' lives will be once he's gone.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post! 3 1/2 years ago when this all happened I thought my life had ended.... I was destroyed. Today I look back and feel the same way that you do, it was a blessing in disguise. I never realized how lonely and unhappy I was in my marriage until i was out of it..... "everything happens for a reason"... I live by this now


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fantastic post! Thanks for the reminder.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17174 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**stands up and applauds**

Gomphus, you are spot on.

divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life.

100% yes, ditto.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2570 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post.

In my case I was becoming more and more the mother figure. I did everything and he did nothing.

I honestly feel that this separation has given me a new outlook on life nad myself. I gained new self awareness, new strength.

Here's to a good future for all of us.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I rarely wander over to NB but I am so happy I did!! I could have written your post! Well almost. I still carry guilt over my children getting hurt and I sometimes feel guilty for being happy, content, joyful, loving life, etc. Thank you so much for sharing!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Oct 2012
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gompus, thanks for articulating so well. I agree with you on many points, about rediscovering who I was before I got married. I will be separated soon, and eventually divorced. You are ahead of me. I cry as I reach the "divorce" part of my response. It's not something I ever thought I would be at; I don't come from a family of divorce.

Posts: 187 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this.. thank you.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4860 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

divorcing someone you shouldn't be with is a blessing. It's truly an offering from the universe to improve your life.

I feel this way too Gomphus. I am glad to be out of that lt marriage, glad to be free, glad to have current SO in my life.
Yet OTOH I am not grateful for the aftershocks like triggers and hypervigilance.


Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
ManBearDivorce
♂ Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You couldn't of said anything better. I am almost like you described yourself. Not knowing what XWW was feeling and thinking because you was married, you was married forever. Now I have seen and been through the lessons needed to be great. That I thank my XWW for and that is it. She gave up when I was the lowest, She will not be there when I am my greatest. I don't think they would ever learn the cold hard truth. But we did and we stand tall and we over come that.

BRAVO Brother!!!


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the comments and sharing. :)


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 19

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