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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Some more encouragement needed please
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My poor husband is having a nightmare few days and I'm out of ideas of how to help. He's reading into things that simply aren't there, being paranoid and asking the same 'hows' and 'whys'. I wish I could answer him but I can't. I've told him everything I know.

He's worn out and so am I. I've even dropped the kids round my Mum's, it's not the place for them here right now.

Will it get better?


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can get better.

Here's how you can help him right now...

Tell him the complete truth about everything. Tell him if you ate the last cookie. Tell him if you spent more on something than you were supposed to.

Hold him. Even if you feel scared and helpless, he feels worse right now. Tell him everything's going to be ok. Tell him you are not going anywhere no matter what.

Shortly after DDay BS's are in a dark and scary place in their hearts and minds. The universe has been turned on its head, and we don't know who or what to trust. We need a rock... and even though it seems backwards that the betrayer should become the healer, it's a key ingredient to him regaining his sanity.

You get to feel what you need to feel, but showing your BH as much compassion as you can muster as the storm rages within him will help things.


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I'll try talking to him more about what I'm doing.

I just don't understand where it's coming from all of sudden and why it isn't going away just as quickly.

I want to stop him hurting and it kills me that I can't especially since I've caused it all.

I really hope it gets better quickly


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna, They call it the Rollercoaster. His emotions are going to be all over the place, sometimes (often) with no apparent trigger.

You can help by answering the same questions. Not being defensive. Trying to open up. Holding him. Telling him you love him. Reassuring him that you are going to change...work in you. Tell him what you are doing (ie. Going to IC, not taking drugs...)

You have to get tough. I KNOW you can do this. But it is fucking hard. And this rollercoaster period generally goes on for a while (like 2 years).

I went through this. My BH would freak randomly. I was constantly terrified he would leave. He drank too much. He would run out of the house, and me after him. It was awful and drama filled. We both hate this period. But I guess it was something we had to get through.

((((Sienna)))


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was numb for two months and raged on and off for 4 more. Here is what I needed and what worked.

No tt, do not know if this applies in you case. FWW tt'd 4 months to "protect" me. Things did not add up.

Answer those same questions over and over and over when asked and do not show resentment or exacerbation.

Apologize for doing things to cause the hurt and paranoia. Own it, acknowledge it was not there before dday.

Understand that some harsh words or behaviors may be intended to test your commitment and resolve.

Learn and speak in his Love Language.

You cannot make the pain and anger (and embarrassment, self-loathing, fear, confusion) go away. All you can do is support him. When things are going well, ask what you can do when he is triggered.

And the big one, work on you. Know why you had an A. What are your new coping behaviors, practice them. Demonstrate your boundaries.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:42 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you again.

I've only ever told him the truth and whatever he wants to know but unfortunately because he knows, he thinks about it a lot. Especially these last few days. I've never TT'd him, he knows everything and asked every tiny disgusting detail.

He's imagining things that aren't there and twisting my words then all of a sudden asks hows and whys. He asked how a meeting went yesterday then asked if I thought he was hot,I said no and he said how I'd said I liked him. Yes I liked him in a 'yes please let us use your gallery' way. The guy texted this morning "looking forward to working with you guys, see you and 'colleague' at around 1 and can't wait to meet the man himself". H read message so begins day 3 of him not being OK. 'The man himself' is my husband.

The kids won't be coming home tonight either. I wish this roller coaster would head up. He wasn't even happy with my clothes today.

We did that 5 love languages thing and we came out the same. We don't seem very compatible now though


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wearing down with all this. He's worse.

The guy arrived downstairs at work, my husband is uncomfortable with it so I said to come, he started twisting what I was saying and becoming impossible, in front of our colleagues, quietly but noticeable. So I said I need to finish something off, my other colleague can handle it for now. I told him how much I loved him and said we can talk later, so he said quite loudly "it's not my fault you're a dirty fucking whore is it darling? Go fuck him in the alley, that's what you like isn't it".

He realised he shouldn't have said it as the whole floor went quiet and now he's left the building.

I don't know how much more I can do and how to fix this. Everything I do is wrong this week.

Now I just have to pull myself together, take a walk of humilation across the floor and try and do my job, say my H isn't well. God knows.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna,

I did not fully understand this line:

The guy arrived downstairs at work, my husband is uncomfortable with it so I said to come, he started twisting what I was saying and becoming impossible, in front of our colleagues, quietly but noticeable.

But if you are still working with your AP then this explains a lot of your BH's discomfort. FWW stopped working where her AP was her "boss". In the first year after dday she stopped participating in parts of her profession becasue on of her OM might be present. Despite currently being unemployed, there are places she does not apply becasue an OM works there or she is ashamed to be where people know what she did.

I don't know how much more I can do and how to fix this.

If you are working with your AP, find a new job. I know this is not easy. FWW tool a 40% pay cut, and her employment has been unstable since.

If I misunderstood what you posted, my apology. I did not find infromation in your profile to further understand the situation.

--Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ONSs were with complete randoms who I'd never met. They didn't work with me, know my name, have my number nothing at all.

I'm sorry, I'll write a profile now. I should have thought really.

A colleague and I had a meeting with someone yesterday. The someone is a man and that's the problem. He thinks he was too familiar and reading into things that weren't there.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's imagining things that aren't there and twisting my words then all of a sudden asks hows and whys.

Yep, and this is your fault, not his. Look at it that way and you'll be able to help him more. For now, his paranoia is the direct result of your actions, and the compassionate thing to do is to give him time and love while he sorts reality out. Again, it's ok for you to need support with this. It is hard and scary, but you have a fleet of FWS's here to hold your hand and show you the way.

Here's a great thread that might illuminate more about what he is going through:

Things every WS should know - HUFI-PUFI

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks he was too familiar and reading into things that weren't there.

I remember that feeling. Any man she would come into contact with, I would see her with, I wondered. Has she done him too, or just flirted?


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is my fault, I just don't know how to help. If everything I say is wrong and me not talking is wrong, how do I help?

I'll read that, thank you Jrazz


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BH crossed the line, bigtime, in my opinion. Humiliating you at work in front of colleagues is wrong. He probably looked ridiculous too.

I think you should discuss this with him. You don't have to accept that behavior.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MrsPanda, talking to him about that won't help. He knows it's wrong I could see it across his face. He can honestly say or do what he wants for now if it helps, I've done enough


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Mrs. Panda on this point. It was way too much and warrants conversation.

As a BS, I remember being COMPLETELY INSANE for a few weeks before I calmed down, and was somehow lucky enough not to do something really stupid.

He needs to realize what he did was wrong, but I still think it's important to acknowledge what set him off.


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If everything I say is wrong and me not talking is wrong, how do I help?

Just keep asking him what he needs, and know that you're not going to get a gold star for your effort for a long long time. Showing him stability and compassion is the point.


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean but if he's in that type of mood, it doesn't help.

I've asked him before and he'll say something like "try and keep your knickers on" or he'll point out that it's too late now.

Other times he'll just want a cuddle though. I never know until it happens


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I seem so negative, I'm Mrs Doom and Gloom and it's not intentional.

If I bring it up I'll make him feel bad and I don't want that. I really don't care at this point, he can say or do any anything if it helps. If we were alright I'd say different but right now, anything goes


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Finally10
♂ Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just keep asking him what he needs, and know that you're not going to get a gold star for your effort for a long long time. Showing him stability and compassion is the point.

^^^^THIS^^^ and a thick skin right now. He knows he went too far. Leave it there unless it becomes a pattern of some sort and then have a talk


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm leaving it for sure, he knows already and it's me who's put us here.

I'm here for him and I always will be


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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