Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Momof3bz (44929)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out again
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was here a LONG time ago.
Things were going well (so I thought)
Found tons of sexual messages and the typical "soulmate" BS. Husband started out remorseful and overnight became cavalier about it and almost belligerent.
He is protecting OW and won't give me her name because it would ruin her life if her husband found out and he 'respects her too much as a person' to allow me to contact her.
I said if you want to even consider repairing this- please give me her name. I just want to speak with her to ensure this doesn't happen again.
He responded with the attitude of a teenager. 'then we won't repair it because I am not going to allow you to call her and mess up her life if her husband finds out)
She went to school with my husband and she is active in community with in-laws.
I am stunned he is behaving this way. Their online romance only did not get physical because he got caught first. No moral issue there.
Never thought I would be back here after all this tin me.
His attitude this time and lack of remorse os astounding.
Thank you for reading. I'm sorry I posted without being a little friendlier. I am so floored, I am numb. Hoped to never need SI a fain, but so grateful it is here.
He is staying in a hotel. He also blocked me, and entire family on FB.
Feels like a nightmare and I keep hoping yo wake up.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Running....so so sorry for your pain. I also just found out about a third time or really probably continuation of second time.
Please give it a little time for perspective both you and him.
Right now her name isn't important. You will eventually get it even if you have to hire a PI to do so. Be good to yourself...I know the pain is so hard to absorb. He is acting this way because he was caught off guard and his hidden world is coming tumbling down. He is scrambling for control. You can't control him, only yourself. Please read the 180 to possibly help you feel some control for yourself.
Sending ((hugs)) and strength your way.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you MainlyinPain ~ I had forgotten about the 180 thread. Did not need it first go around. How things have changed. He went from remorseful first time-- to down right hateful.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry (((runninggirl)))

Please please take care of yourself. I can only imagine the utter devastation you are experiencing :( For him to put you through this twice...!

(((hugs)))

ETA: How impressive that you remembered your password & username after 7 years! You must have an excellent memory!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 7:49 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear you are being put through the nightmare all over again. I can't imagine anyone being so selfish and cold-hearted than to put someone through all that pain again.

Ugh. My broken heart is breaking even more for you.

I have no great helpful words to say other than focus on what you need--water, food, rest and detaching.

(((RunningGirl)


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Runninggirl}}}

You are living many BSs fear. I will never understand how a person can witness the horrendous pain that their infidelity caused and decide to inflict that pain again. It baffles me, it infuriates me, it discourages me, it saddens me.

I am truly sorry that you find yourself here again.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Runninggirl. I went through a second d-day after several years. It is painful, but for me the second time was the dealbreaker for me. He watched me suffer after the first, he couldn't play dumb to not knowing how much it would hurt.

I agree about the 180. Sounds like he isn't remorseful at all.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said if you want to even consider repairing this- please give me her name. I just want to speak with her to ensure this doesn't happen again.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation again, but gently, the OW isn't the problem.

There is absolutely no excuse for a second affair - none. After the pain he caused you, to do it again???

If it were me, this would be an absolute deal breaker.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
sparklingwater
♀ Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation again.

Perhaps he has blocked you and your family from facebook, as he is facebook friends with this "old school friend" of his - and he doesn't want you getting her name that way.

Look after yourself Runninggirl ((hugs))


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((runninggirl))))

God, posts like this just break my heart. I am so sorry, sweetie.

You can find her name (as mainly said) - I know you have that good ol PI "training" that we BSs have to acquire. After you have had time to digest some of this shit, I'd be damned if I'd let OW get away with her BH not knowing.

As far as your WH is concerned, yes, it's time for the 180 - for you. Some IC may be in order too. And of course, you know we are here for you to help you through this, no matter what you decide.

I am so sad and angry for you. There is more I want to say, but your pain is so raw right now - will save for another time.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((running)))

Posts: 11667 | Registered: Mar 2008
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Runninggirl))),

It just boggles my mind that someone could do this to another person that they are supposed to care about once. Twice? They don't deserve the time of day from us. I'd be like your name and be running to see a lawyer.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3925 | Registered: Dec 2011
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Runninggirl)))

I'm so sorry. What a selfish SOB....no wait, he's gallant what with respecting his AP "too much as a person" to allow you to contact her. Too bad his gallantry didn't extend to you and your family.

I'd focus on talking to a lawyer vs. talking to him. His actions are terribly depressing and do not inspire optimism at this time.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other - this too shall pass.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3874 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is protecting OW and won't give me her name because it would ruin her life if her husband found out and he 'respects her too much as a person' to allow me to contact her.

So it's okay with him that OW knows who YOU are and she ruined YOU and your M but you can't tell her BH and ruin HER life! FTG!!!! Seriously, FTG!!! He has so much "respect" for a skanky whore but not his wife.
He cares more about a lying cheating whore and would protect her at all costs even if it causes you MORE pain. He needs to put you first or he needs to go.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Running))))
I am so sorry you are here. The pain must be overwhelming.

Please do a few things for yourself today.

1. Pull 50% of the money in any joint accounts out. (Hes obviously making no effort to make things right, so you need to protect yourself)

2. Make an appt to see a Lawyer (not saying that is the road to go, but knowledge is power).

3. Get an IC appt set up.

4. Remember that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. He is very broken.

5. consider changing the locks. He left, so he abandoned the home. Let him know he is not welcome until he does what you want him to do, if you want to have him back.

6. If you are not able to sleep or eat get yourself some antianxiety meds to take the edge off, keep drinking lots of water, and taking care of you.

((((Running))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am furious on your behalf. It's been 2 years since I found out WH had an affair. He also refused to give me any information. He didn't want me to embarrass her. My WH was a hard core alcoholic and I was told by professionals I had to give him time to sober up before I could expect transparency from him. 2 years later, one year of sobriety, no transparency and I am still furious. I wish I had done a complete 180 like everyone suggested from the beginning.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'I am not going to allow YOU to mess up her life if her husband finds out'.....???? UNBELIEVABLE. Projecting much..? I guess it doesn't count that HE helped her mess up her OWN life. They made the choice together. The deed is already done. And just because you keep something a secret doesn't mean it 'doesn't count'.

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think he is blocking you from FB to protect OW and probably himself. He's got to clean up or situate his act because he knows you're onto him now.

My deal breaker was false R and being told by Perv so many times there was NC but there was so much he couldn't even sit still with all the text messages. It was the pain from that deceipt on top of the rest, knowing that he knew full well how much I wanted, craved M and he came back, pretended and then walked off yet again.

I'm really sorry, Running Girl. Perv has also acted this way and lit into me in defense of OW, also, which were my biggest red flags-to defend an OW to a wife you are supposedly reconcilling with? What's that?

And I don't like that your WH seems to be doing it also.

I'm sorry again.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you today, Running? Been thinking of you.

Tushnurse provided some excellent advice. Please protect and take care of yourself...

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
h0pe4ul
♀ Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Runninggirl:

I am so sorry for your pain and all that you are going through!

I've been on this end many times and know that it's not easy to deal with someone who chooses to stay stuck in the fantasy they created while you and your loved ones deal w/the heartbreak of your reality.

Unfortunately, one day, your WH will come out of the fog and when he does (and if he truly has a heart), he will realize just how much he screwed up in regards to his commitment with you and your family.

Nothing hurts worse than to see the person who vowed to love you forever choose some OW over you and then watch your marriage fall apart.

As many others have said, take care of you right now. 180 your H big time (for your own well-being and safety, not to get his attention) because he is at a place where he does not care. Because he does not care, he will continue to do hurtful things towards you. Detach to begin protecting yourself on all levels and to find out what your next move may be (whatever you decide to do)!

Even when you 180 him and if he sees you are not giving him the attention he may be looking for, continue to take care of you because it sounds like he has made a decision already.

It seems that the A went underground and he was pretending to be in R with you because of you finding "tons" of messages between the two while you guys were supposed to be R.

Look out for you right now and do all that you can to get on your feet and be able to take care of yourself because your H has gotten to the point where he is pretty much abandoning you by shutting you out of his life completely.

Be careful and look out for you right now because you can't depend on your H to do so.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.