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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Raped by exwh *possible tmi*
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your lawyer I can see not being able to use that information. You were probably taken seriously, but they legally can't undo the past, and if introduced in court it would just be a he said/she said situation. So for a lawyer it would be best to table that issue.

For the MC? I'm sure you've read here on SI the countless accounts of not just incompetent MC, but downright dangerously incompetent MC. That you told your MC about what your ex did to you and were then dismissed, that tells me you had a dangerously incompetent MC. I think the odds of you telling your truth to a competent IC and getting the help you need to be very high. The trick is finding the competent IC. And THAT, my sister, is why you should contact the domestic violence shelter & ask for a referral. They can direct you to someone who has experience & training in abuse victims.

I have told my IC some of the disgusting things my STBX did to me. She was so outraged that she about came out of her seat for a few, and that's saying a lot because she is normally a very steadfast person. She never disbelieved me or tried to fluff off anything I've shared.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also molested in middle school and several times since then.

Have you read up on child sexual abuse? It rewires your brain. This could be the cause of you putting yourself in situations with men who would violate you. Because your brain has been taught the a man who does not accept "no" is showing you love.

To go even further back, even before the first molestation, did you already think about wifely duty as having sex with your husband regardless of how you felt at the time?

And now moving forward, do you lose interest in men who are not forceful? If your current SO does not have sex with you, will you lose interest in him? In other words, do you weed out the men who are respectful so that you end up with men who force sex on you?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read up on child sexual abuse because I guess I haven't really realized that was what it was until recently. I know that I had a messed up view of guys....that they only wanted me for one thing (sex) and when they couldn't get it from me... They left me. I was a big tease.

I know what guys thought of me was what my value was. So if a guy thought I was cheap, I felt cheap and I allowed myself to be treated like that. I have never been told no by a guy (until my SO) and I would try many things to get the guys I dated to say no and they never did.

With SO when he treats me well it freaks me out and it makes me feel off kilter. Being treated so well is hard for me to accept. I have pushed him away several times but he has been very patient and helpful. He talks me through my fears and treats me like a princess.

To go even further back, even before the first molestation, did you already think about wifely duty as having sex with your husband regardless of how you felt at the time?

I think I was in 3rd grade the first time a boy dropped his pants and put my hand directly on his privates. At that tine I wasn't thinking about sex yet so I'm not exactly sure how early on the idea was ingrained into me. I am a Christian and I got married to an agnostic. He ridiculed my beliefs. His father believes a woman's job is to serve her man and to know her role. So I know that didn't help.

And now moving forward, do you lose interest in men who are not forceful? If your current SO does not have sex with you, will you lose interest in him? In other words, do you weed out the men who are respectful so that you end up with men who force sex on you?

Exwh was the only one who forced me but I have dated guys who didn't treat me very well. I guess because I didn't put a high value on myself they didn't either. I came in behind video games, somehow only got lingerie and sex toys as gifts, or was cheated on.

My current SO has not had sex with me and has told me no numerous times...even after I have teased him, been provocative, and talked dirty...he has still said no. I appreciate that he has boundaries and values me so much. If we waited until marriage to have sex I would be okay.... Very frustrated but okay.

I don't weed out the ones that are forceful more like I weed out the ones who treat me well. I am unfamiliar with being treated well. When conversations get too close for comfort I move the topic to sex. When they respect me I freak out and don't know how to act. I resort to behavior that I'm familiar with.


**edited to correct spelling

[This message edited by courageous at 9:40 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I was in 3rd grade the first time a boy dropped his pants and put my hand directly on his privates. At that tine I wasn't thinking about sex yet so I'm not exactly sure how early on the idea was ingrained into me.

You knew it was wrong. You knew it was a violation. That's all your brain needs to start associating being violated with being wanted.

I weed out the ones who treat me well.

That's exactly what I meant.

I think talking to a therapist who understands CSA will be helpful to you.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's just it..... I didn't think it was a violation. I was confused and didn't understand why he did it. I never told anyone about it and he never did it again.

Then just a year later I was at a male friend's house. I don't remember what events led me to grab his brother's crotch hard enough that I left nail indentions in his skin of his privates. I know I did because he dropped his pants and showed me.

In middle school I would be cornered by a guy that would tickle me and grope me at the same time. He did it so many times.....even in front of teachers. That's when I realized that no one was every going to help me. A lot of my life is a blur.

The weird thing is I revert to the sex talk and overt sexuality but the minute a guy doesn't like it I feel like I'm being judged and I feel so dirty, unworthy, and unlovable. I have lost count how many times I have told SO that maybe he should just walk away... that I'm not good enough.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's just it..... I didn't think it was a violation. I was confused and didn't understand why he did it.

Did you know that was he was doing was wrong? Why didn't you tell somebody? (This is not a judgement - just asking your thought processes.)

I don't remember what events led me to grab his brother's crotch hard enough that I left nail indentions in his skin of his privates. I know I did because he dropped his pants and showed me.

Did you think that was expected of you? Did he ask you to?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you know that was he was doing was wrong? Why didn't you tell somebody? (This is not a judgement - just asking your thought processes.)

First I would like to say thank you for taking the time to try to help me figure all of this out.

I didn't understand why he did it. I thought it was stupid and didn't choose to play hide and seek with him in the dark any more. I don't think I thought it was wrong. My parents never talked to me about bad touching or inappropriate sexual behavior.

I was a very bashful child that was sensitive to raised voice and disapproval. To this day I still struggle with being a people pleaser. I sacrifice my happiness for everyone else's happiness.

Did you think that was expected of you? Did he ask you to?

I don't know. I find that a lot of my life is a blur sometimes I will remember something more but not too often. The first part of that memory starts for me after I had already grabbed him and he is pulling down his pants. I remember he was aroused but not fully and I don't remember what even happened after that.

I do know that the male friend at some other time chased me thru his house with scissors. He ended up cutting some of my hair off and burning it on the stove. His mother blamed me for letting him cut my hair. Obviously that probably wasn't a safe place for me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of this led you to the question you asked earlier,, which was,, What if the MC doesn't believe me?

They will. If you are in the office of a MC on your own it is because you want help and they know it. People who are messed up (my WH) don't want help and don't go near a MC office.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what kind of issues have you had to deal with?

I didn't have these issues in the beginning of my relationship with SO. But as time has gone on and the honeymoon stage has worn off and the routine of the relationship sets in they happen from time to time.

The sad thing is after giving birth to two kids with big heads I have severe scar tissue from the third degree tears. Sex will be painful for me for a while whether I like the guy or not.

You may be surprised. When your actually into it the body does amazing things.

[This message edited by jennie160 at 8:41 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A was not my fault and I felt no shame nor did I keep it a secret but this.....

I feel so much shame.

I had put up with so much of his mistreatment and abuse. I took the silent treatment, being told my thoughts were not important and not to speak until I had something important to say. I allowed myself to be treated like the maid/ servant. I even stayed after he forced himself onto me...not once...not twice... but for many YEARS. And why did I finally leave? Because he wouldn't end his A and get MOW out of our lives.

I should have left for all of those reasons especially the rape but I never did. I keep telling myself it must not have been all that bad. If he hadn't cheated I probably would have never have left.

I feel so broken. I'm trying to keep it all together. I have maintained my strength by keeping my feelings at a distance and not allowing people to get very close. I know to heal I have to feel a lot of painful things. Right now I am so close to just falling apart.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had put up with so much of his mistreatment and abuse. I took the silent treatment, being told my thoughts were not important and not to speak until I had something important to say. I allowed myself to be treated like the maid/ servant. I even stayed after he forced himself onto me...not once...not twice... but for many YEARS. And why did I finally leave? Because he wouldn't end his A and get MOW out of our lives.

I can't even tell you how many times I wished XH would just hit me or cheat on me. I always thought that those were the two concrete reasons for divorce. And if he were to just do one of those two things it would be my instant out. I stayed for years longer than I should waiting for him to give me that out but he never did. What finally made me leave was when we started seriously considering having children and I realized that I didn't want my kids to have him as a father. So when I did leave I still didn't even do it for myself.

I think the fact that you see that you are broken and are taking the steps to work on this is a good sign. Don't feel defeated by this either, even the most healed are still slightly broken. There is always more everyone can do to better themselves.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, that's how I was with my xbf too. I cooked for him, cleaned for him, paid his bills, put gas in his car, listened to him whine, etc. and got essentially nothing back but punishment... yet I stayed. It's an abuse cycle, and (oddly) is actually really "normal" in abusive situations.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13193 | Registered: Jul 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((courageous))))))


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22649 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Due to FOO issues I rather be hit than ignored. Exwh ignored me frequently. I can't remember how many times I asked him to spend time with me...just to be in the same room with me. I always came last place to video games.

I was talking to my bf last night about all of this (mainly because it has been consuming my mind). He made a comment about how exwh would stop playing his video game immideately if he knew I had taken a sleeping pill to have his way with me. The way my bf said it made it sound so dirty and wrong. THAT sounded like rape to me.

I have a little girl that I have to make sure she grows up protected and safe.

Sorry I'm all over the place my thoughts have just been racing lately.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((courageous)))))

Posts: 2474 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO said that exwh knew what buttons to push to control me. I don't think exwh was all that smart. He was a computer programmer but he didn't have smarts in other areas, in my opinion.

How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

[This message edited by courageous at 7:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Courageous)))))

How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

He figures it out the same way a baby figures out if they cry someone comes. The same way a toddler figures out that if they throw a temper tantrum or ask 9,000times someone will give in.

I don't know if it's ingrained in our brains to do this trial and error. And I wonder if it is...

It's been said her on SI.. he knows the buttons to push -because he installed the fuckers. And it's true.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
NoLongerWantHim
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Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((To all who have been abused))

there is hope, there is healing, there is light out there.

It's brave to admit it happened, it's brave to give it a name, brave get help, and braver still to reach out to other survivors.

One thing my MST therapist suggested I look at is "Stockholm Syndrome" .

It's amazing what we do to cope and survive.

[This message edited by NoLongerWantHim at 6:42 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to a church counselor last week. I told her about the A! The divorce, and him forcing me. She concentrated on the cheating and basically told me the same things I have heard over and over again regarding the cheating. Nothing was talked about the rape.

I guess I really do have to talk to someone at the domestic abuse shelter. I got so far as to look up the number but I couldn't bring myself to call.

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there. It just breaks my heart. The part of me that doesn't like to be a burden, that ends up sacrificing everything, feels like I don't have the right to be there. I survived relatively unscathed.....or so I thought.

I don't know if I'm finally starting to "thaw out" my emotions some and really stop denying it happened.

I have noticed its a lot harder for me to go to sleep. For days I'm consumed with looking at the message boards... Searching for the answer, the quick fix/ repair for me. Wanting to be told I'm okay and don't really need counseling.

SO is the only IRL person that knows and that I can talk to. I told 2 co-workers. Both of them had been abused and cheated on too. I can't trust anyone at work. I feel bad talking through things with him because it hurts him to hear it but he also knows I have no one to talk to. I can't bring myself to tell my friends.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 539 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0736923330/ref=ox_sc_act_title_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

Since you're open to the idea of a church counselor, I thought you might consider this book to help you on your path towards healing.

Also, this website might have words of comfort:

http://www.committedtofreedom.org/bio.html


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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