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User Topic: Raped by exwh *possible tmi*
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In regards to Ambien, you do realize that it has hypnotic effects that can block the memories of activities engaged in while under the influence.
I mention this because Ambien has been associated with allegations that it can result in the best sex ever (but you may not remember). It was reported allegedly that during Tiger Woods sex addiction Ambien was involved. Now you can,t believe everything said about celebrities on the Internet, but Ambien side effects and patient history shows it is possible.
Your MC should have seen a huge red flag when you disclosed your rape.
I believe you! And contributors here do as well.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there.

Much like infidelity, the violation is the damage. The rest is replacement value - which is individual. To use a bad analogy, the burglary is the violation. Whether all the furniture got stolen or just your child's artwork or nothing was missing except you knew the burglar walked around your house uninvited, the break-in is the violation.

On that other board, they would be the last to minimize your abuse. Don't minimize it yourself, okay?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6094 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((courageous)))))

I went to a church counselor last week. I told her about the A! The divorce, and him forcing me. She concentrated on the cheating and basically told me the same things I have heard over and over again regarding the cheating. Nothing was talked about the rape.

It's very courageous to do what you are doing. Good for you to go and talk. Please don't let the subject drop. Next time you go, bring it up again.

I guess I really do have to talk to someone at the domestic abuse shelter. I got so far as to look up the number but I couldn't bring myself to call.

Wishing you more courage to call. Please call them, or call a local rape crisis center.

I joined another message board specifically for sexual abuse and the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there. It just breaks my heart.

It's very heartbreaking, but every instance of sexual abuse is traumatic, just as every instance of infidelity is. Doesn't matter if your infidelity was physical or emotional or virtual, etc. Doesn't matter if your sexual abuse was marital rape, stranger rape, date rape, incest, etc.

It's ALL bad...

Keep talking. Your counselor, your co-workers, your SO, a rape crisis center or domestic violence hotline. And here, too.

Healing hugs!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2786 | Registered: Feb 2006
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In regards to Ambien, you do realize that it has hypnotic effects that can block the memories of activities engaged in while under the influence.

I did know this because I had to be careful not to have my phone too close to the bed... Apparently I had some interesting phone calls I never remembered.

I really want to think that he didn't use my taking ambien for an advantage and that he didn't do things to me that I don't remember but I know that is most likely a pipe dream.


On that other board, they would be the last to minimize your abuse. Don't minimize it yourself, okay?

I'm trying not to but I keep going back and forth. I seem to be going thru a similar reaction as I did about the infidelity... Trouble sleeping, denial, shock, and I just feel off.

Wishing you more courage to call. Please call them, or call a local rape crisis center.

I can't bring myself to make the call so my BF made the call for me to get the info I need. The more I think about it the more I think the church counselors are not equipped to handle my issues. They are not certified or really trained. They are just lay people who want to help others.

[This message edited by courageous at 9:44 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I think about it the more I think e church counselors are not equipped to handle my issues. They are not certified or really trained. They are just lay people who want to help others.
I think you are correct with this assessment, courageous. Keep seeking the proper support. It will make all the difference in the world in your processing and healing.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25265 | Registered: Aug 2011
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I'm afraid to make the call to the domestic shelter. My SO made the call and got the information but I have to call to make the appointment. I know SO would drop everything and come to go with me to an appointment but I don't want him to go.

I'm really scared to call. Someone suggested going to rainn.org and talking to someone on their anonymous online hotline. I have the website open but I can't bring myself to hit enter.

I wonder if subconsciously I knew the people in authoritative capacities I told wouldn't make a big deal of it... maybe I said it too casually. After all if no one says its wrong I'm okay. If I call or go to a domestic violence center I am NOT okay.

There is so much going on with me. I can't tell my parents/ family because I can't hold things together any more and hear how they can't go thru another divorce because it was too hard for them. I can't devastate them. I can't tell my friends. I know they would be very accepting but I would lose my strong facade. If I lose that then everything will come tumbling down.

I tell SO things but that's hard for him to hear. He has been so strong for me but he can't change the past or take the hurt/ wrong away.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is something I probably need to admit...

Around the time I was molested in middle school I started cutting. For those who have never cut, it was very comforting to watch myself bleed because it was the only way I could feel anything, like emotions... it made things okay again for a while. Unlike most cutters I didn't continue increasing the amounts of cuts. I just did more and more destructive things. I had choked myself with cords, starved myself, touched HCL acid, and then I moved on to letting men treat me badly. I would gravitate towards them because it's what I felt I deserved and it was normal to me.

The reason I bring all of this up is because I have been tempted to cut again, specially when I get angry because it leads to frustration and self destructiveness. I know a small factor is that SO is very familiar with cutting also. It's kind of like two recovering alcoholics in a relationship with each other. He has been "sober" for a while now. The other part of the temptations is that if I cut it will hurt him. The destructive side of me that wants to ruin everything wants to push him away. Yet I really don't want him to leave me... I want him to rescue me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))))

Hon, the truth will set you free. One reason you feel such conflict is because you're not being authentic and you know it. You are hiding behind a false front. For a long time that false front was necessary. It protected you. It helped you survive. It's been your protector. It's what you know.

However, you're growing now. You're like a seed that's sprouting. It's time for you to emerge from the darkness & see what you blossom into. The way I know it's time is because you are so unhappy with how things are now. You're trying desperately to keep things the way they were, even though you acknowledge that things need to change.

Honey, I went through a very similar conflict. I did not want to tell anyone about my abusive marriage. If I did that then it would mean admitting I was a victim. Admitting that things were really horrible. Admitting that I'd been weak enough to tolerate it & permit it. I didn't want to go there. But I had to. I could not continue along as things had been. I had to grow. I had to evolve.

You, too, need to grow & evolve. Telling the truth of your life will help you do that. The truth will set you free.

I know it's terrifying not knowing in advance how people will react. I'll be honest with you, some people were less than supportive. But the overwhelming majority were amazingly sympathetic, kind and helped me. I continue to be shocked at the people who confide in me their own past which contains sexual predation, abuse, molestation, rape, and the list goes on.

I've learned who I can talk to and who needs to just not hear what I have to say. I've learned to let go trying to control the outcome. I've learned that the truth has set me free. Not only have I finally blossomed, now I'm learning to fly.

You can, too!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9637 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying, I really am.

I have stayed strong through it all but I can't take any more. One simple "drop" in my already full bucket is going to push me over the edge. I can't lose control..it's scary. If I lose control my "protection" is gone. I'm so afraid to ask for help.

I am broken and in my brokenness I feel safe... For now. I can't live like this forever but I can't take that first step just yet. I know what he did was wrong but denial is my safety. It is the security blanket I wrap around myself keeping the boogeyman away.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs. BTDT. Find a trauma specialist for a counselor. And don't minimize it because you were married. It was not consensual.......it wasn't OK>


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't lose control..it's scary.

You're not losing control. I know how hard this is, but think of it this way - you are taking back control. Right now, your ex still has control over you. You are away from him, yet he is overshadowing how much of your life? Your relationship, your friendships, your job, everything. Take back your power! Deal with this thing head on.

You are a strong, remarkable woman. You have survived everything he put you through, and you will continue to thrive. Talking to someone, facing these demons head on, it won't break you. You'll break them. If you weren't strong enough to break them, you never would have gotten out.

Deep breath. You can do this. Make the call. I know you have the strength.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the pep talk I think I'm going to print out your words and repeat them to myself over and over again.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Courageous)))

You are dealing with some very difficult stuff. Ama is so right in her assessment. You will not get past this until you deal with it. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and strong. When you deal with this demon you will feel better. Fear of the unknown is a difficult thing, and you must be scared out of your mind right now. It's how you have been your whole adult life. I get that. But it's time for you to get the help that will allow you to heal.

Others that don't comment, or even really ackowledge what you say about being raped/mistreated, do so becuase it so out of their wheelhouse of comfort they don't know what to say or how to offer to help you. I rarely have to deal with sexual abuse in my job, but because I do have to on rare occasions I had to go through extensive training on how to deal with it. I still don't feel secure in doing much other than being able to allow the person to share their experience, and to let them know it is not their fault and give them referrals to the people that can help them.

Pick up the phone, call make the appointment. You know it's not like they are going to see you in the next 15 minutes. You will have some time to accept that you are doing something about it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8442 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((courageous))))) Sending you more strength today.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25265 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.
The truth will set you free.

You can do this, and deserve happiness and serenity.

Hugs


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:

I'm trying, I really am. I have written the DV abuse hotline number down and I have it by my phone at work all the time. I think I have looked at it so many times last week. I have really struggled with calling. I hate being a burden and putting someone out.

My bf came into town this weekend. We watched poltergeist I and decided to watched the second one since I have never seen them before.

In the second one there is a scene where the husband is possessed and starts trying to force himself on his wife and she is resisting him. Since then, that scene has played over and over in my head. It took me back to a place I never wanted to go back to.

It triggered me so bad that I'm going to try and make myself call that hotline this week.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 648 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((courageous))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25265 | Registered: Aug 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((courageous)) I haven't posted or read the entire thread, but I want you to know that the domestic violence staff are there first and foremost to support you, NOT to make you DO anything. So I encourage you not to fear the contact. Just accept the help. From there YOU will determine what, if any, additional action is appropriate. ((Hugs)) Stay strong lady - you have lots of support.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4513 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do it!!!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie ((((hugs)))) You are SO courageous! What you are dealing with and facing is so scary, so difficult, and it is no wonder that your emotions are all over, you get confused, you are in shock, etc....

Our minds can only deal with so much at a time. You don't HAVE to remember everything all at once. When new memories come in, give yourself time to digest and process them.

I agree you need a certified counselor that is trained in dealing with CSA. Not all counselors are the same, and some, while trying to be helpful, can actually be damaging.

I also was afraid to call the domestic abuse hotline, because dammit...I am NOT a victim. I have always seen myself as fairly strong and independent. Admitting that I allowed a man to abuse me changed my view (temporarily) of who I was. BUT....with the help of a counselor, when I looked at the reasons why the abuse occurred, I realized that I really AM that strong and independent and courageous woman....the reasons I put up with things were valid.

We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. When we get new information, then we can adjust our behavior.

You put up with the abuse for a while because it was what you knew, what you had learned, and how you felt about yourself after being abused as a child. Things that happen to us as children are very deeply imprinted on us. It can take a lot of education and hard work to rewire our brains.

I can't even tell you how many times I wished XH would just hit me or cheat on me. I always thought that those were the two concrete reasons for divorce.
Do you know how many women feel this way? (Hint....most that have not been educated about domestic violence)...

Now that I have some education about the issue, I understand abuse can be sexual, emotional, psychological, or physical. But growing up, I thought the only valid reasons to seek a divorce were if he hit me or cheated on me. And I mean actually hit/punch. My psychoX actually knocked me into a wall, drove like a maniac putting my life on the line (as well as my children), and verbally threatened me, and somehow I didn't see that as abuse. I just thought he had a bad temper.

Kids don't know they are being sexually abused. They know something isn't quite right, but because of our biology, especially with young boys, sometimes the abuse feels good physically (and sometimes mentally as we get attention that we have severely been needing). So it complicates the issue in our mind. However, a 6 year old or a 12 year old mind is not mature enough to understand what is really going on.

And when we are young, whatever happens to us, we generally think it is happening to everyone else, all over the world, that it is not wrong, unusual, and we feel it is normal. And we do "normalize" things until we mature, learn, and realize that hey, maybe this doesn't happen in every household (or actually, in the case of CSA, it DOES happen in many, many households but that doesn't mean it is right or normal.)

You are doing wonderfully (even though it may not seem so) with educating yourself, looking for information, and trying to work thru this. Be easy on yourself. Don't expect miracles or an "instant" cure. Nurture yourself right now. You are wounded and need to heal. We know to take extra good care of ourselves when we are physically ill and need to heal. Same thing for the emotional wounds. ((((hugs))))

E.T.A. Hey, we all get wounds from time to time. And...you are ALLOWED a bit of a break-down from time to time. You don't always have to hold everything together. When you are in a safe place (whether that is with a counselor you trust, your SO, or you have a day alone), allow yourself some time to have a bit of a meltdown...they are actually healing. There is a lot of emotion and feelings in there that are going to need to come out at some point.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:56 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15223 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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