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Newest Member: Alaska77 (44743)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 5 reasons we stick with Cheaters
lost100
♀ New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that in these awful 'just found out' times all information is helpful. I am so glad to see a balance between going or staying. There is no right or wrong about this. If I stay I will lose the opportunity to see an alternative life unlived; if I go - the life unlived maybe significantly worse than the one created by me over the years. Is the life less lived more valid than the unknown. The abyss reflects back at all those who look into it.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in 180, really working hard to discover why I've allowed the betrayals so long, working to make myself stronger to never allow it again. I found this article very useful. Thanks for posting. This should go in the healing library.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
wanttofeelwhole
♀ Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this article.

Pride is why I took him back. I had to win.

Hope an inertia are why I stay. Fortunately the pain of being struck has become unbearable and I have been pushing the other way. Change us coming and one way or the other I WILL be happy again.

Thank you for helping this make sense.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm just more sensitive than I thought but although I'm not so blind as to see it rings true for some- it's hurtful to people who have stayed.

My wife is still a human being- this means she's flawed it also means she isn't pure evil with the sole intention of destroying me. The article has to be aimed at serial cheaters- if it isn't then it's nonsense in my opinion.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Hopefulguy
♂ New Member
Member # 39219
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with idiotguy and others.

The article clearly has a slant and is great at helping to justify why people stayed in relationships that ultimately failed - clearly these other things were just going on. An incredibly over simplistic view of the psyches of 1/2 of the equation. Maybe it's a feel good piece for them though.

For those who are looking at reconciling though it offer nothing. It ignores that forgiveness may be possible and that's why this piece is biased.

It's basically a longer version of the simplistic notion that cheaters always cheat. Doesn't necessarily comport with reality and I am glad it was not one of the first things I read when I first came here.


D-day 5/7/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: May 2013
RoadtoPeace
♀ New Member
Member # 39141
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly sorry that this article offended some. My sense was this article was written for those who have forgiven serial cheaters only to be right back in the same situation again and again.

Some WS do reform and recommit to their marriages, and some don't. I forgave my WH after our first D-day and did so not from a place of weakness or stupidity, but from a place of love and hope. And I don't regret giving our marriage and him a second chance. But given his track record, I had to examine why or how I could consider giving him a third or fourth chance.

I admit this article is about as subtle as a 2x4 but some of us need to hear the messages, then reflect and ultimately decide for ourselves.


me - BS
him - WH
Married 5 1/2 years
Dday#1 - 10/2009
Dday#2 - 3/2013
Status - He wants R, I am not sure I can get on that ride again

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RoadtoPeace- you don't need to be sorry where I'm concerned- it sounds like we're in agreement it doesn't refer to every situation and is best applied to serial cheaters.

You should take strength and support from wherever you can, just like I do.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is still a human being- this means she's flawed it also means she isn't pure evil with the sole intention of destroying me.

I can relate to this. I have to keep reminding myself that my SAWS isn't my enemy, even though it feels like it because he has hurt me so much.

I know that he didn't intentionally cheat to hurt me. He is a good person that is very fucked up and made the worst choices in his life due to that.

I am not staying for any of the reasons listed. I am staying because my WS has a serious problem that he is in recovery for, he is beyond remorseful. I truly do love him and I am not going to throw away 20 years now when he finally sees what has been wrong with him and I can finally (hopefully) get the H I deserve. I am staying to give my future a chance to be a lot better than some of my past.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the reasons people stay with cheaters is purely financial.

This is, along with not bearing to be with my kids every day, was the main reason I considered staying in my marriage. After about a month I couldn't take it any longer and said #$%& it, and I didn't care if I had to go into debt to get divorced. I knew I'd recover financially, it was just going to be tough while it was going on.

I heard someone say once: "Why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it" That was true in my case, not true for many others though because I realize for alot of other people losing their marriage wasn't worth anything.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 reasons I stuck with a cheater..

1. Because I am intelligent enough to make my own decisions.
2. Because I saw reason to believe that we could heal, and we did.

Oh look at that.. just two reasons.
One answer is not for everyone and can't be summed up in a cute little list. It just doesn't work that way. What was required was keeping my eyes open, making sure I was listening to my instincts and being honest with myself.
That could have easily ended in divorce but it didn't. No one solution is going to be a good fit for everyone.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44484 | Registered: Sep 2006
Brokenheart777
♂ Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was required was keeping my eyes open

And this is why this list is valuable. I read it as a list of reasons which tend to blind betrayeds to healthier, or more realistic views of things as they actually are.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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