I am so happy I found this place. I've been reading everything in the healing journal, and other people's posts for the last two days and it has helped me so much I can't express in words how grateful I am for the...for lack of a better term trailblazers brave enough to share their stories here.
I'm on day three. My WS came home four nights ago and wanted to talk, she expressed some unhappiness with the relationship, and even suggested that separation was possible. I thought this was so scary I really was blindsided by it I mean I knew we did not have the perfect relationship but I didn't think it was that bad.
We reconciled the next morning when she said she had one more thing she needed to tell me. What could be worse than the talk we just had I so naively thought. That's when she let me know for the past 8 months shed been having an A with someone from work.
I was crushed I couldn't even really understand it she was crying and saying how bad she was and how sorry and I couldn't do anything but hug her. I became clinical and detached that day I asked a few questions and tried to not really think about it the rest of that day we spent some time together.
I was not the suspicious type, I saw all the warning signs but played them off I didn't ask many follow up questions when I'd get an answer I accepted it. I hindsight I still don't really know how I could not see it right in front of my face how I could trust her so blindly only to have my delusions crash around me.
It didnt hit me till the next morning the emotions flooded in and I sat in bed crying all day.
She's been there as I ride a rollercoaster of emotions which is hard as I've always prided myself as a logic and reason type of guy, none of which seems to avail me here.
The road seems so long ahead of me but I am trying to live one step at a time.
Your post hit me straight in the heart... I had a bit of a different timeline but basically the same thing, down to the confession vs discovery.
I think that this will play a key role in whether you feel up for R or not. It's a long, hard road, but we've all be down it and we're here for you.
Sending hugs and strength. Hopefully your WW is ready to hunker down and dig deep to discover why she let this happen, and how she will never EVER do it again. Books, counseling... she needs to be open to all of it.
As for you for now, just breathe and take care of yourself.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Hang in there. It is hard. It is unreal and you will most likely feel varied degrees of emotions at any given time.
This is all very normal. You are in shock and your mind has to process this on many different levels.
Please consider IC and MC. You will need help navigating your way through this storm.
It is long and hard but you can discover so much about yourself and your marriage.
Nothing is off base here. Its safe and people truly care.
The trust is totally gone right now I liked that article in the healing forum about the bank account of trust and being in defaults currently.
But if everything she is saying is true I can't help but be optimistic that somehow some good will come of this and well be stronger after, different, but stronger. I imagine after hearing all she does have to say after that communicating about other things should be pretty easy...hopefully.
I ate, I tried to take a nap, I applied for a few jobs that looked potentially promising. And then I realized I needed to know some details, the scope and depth and I knew it would not be easy so I watched two comedy movies to show that I can still laugh and smile and enjoy life and buttress myself up for the coming onslaught.
So I asked her, I skied how it started and to take me through it as well as she can remember. I'll spare the details but as I am becoming a neophyte student of infidelity I guess she fit the stereotype.
They work together, she has some serious boundary issues and he was a little touchy feeling and she didn't say no. They kissed after awhile and ithen it escalated over time to sex and lots of it. She admits an attraction to OM that she can't quite explain.
The funny thing is I've had some female friends who've basically described the guy as one of their exes. He was all lovey dopey to her until they had sex, then it was a constant state of fighting and forgiveness after she tried to end it last Nov. until this past Monday the last time they were together.
I guess I am still in a lot of denial if I found any of that surprising as it fits the m.o. of so many of the Ws ive read about.
And now a small rant about sex sorry hope I don't offend anyone if nothing else this is just a journal for me. We've been together heading into our tenth year now and I won't say we were quite monks yet, but heading there fast. Lots of problems about sex drives and libidos were our only real conflicts aside from failing to wash dishes in a reasonable amount of time. And she would often be in tears saying she didn't know and I offered almost anything and everything, I asked her what turned her on I asked if she wanted to experiment with anything and basically met a wall of what I didn't think of as resistance but moreso of lack of ability. I felt it was mostly psychological she seemed to view sex as a sort of cost benefit system saw the cost as being too much time as she would have trouble reaching climax, and the benefit falling short of that cost.
So I sat quietly I desperation for some magical pill for the female libidos and prepared myself for a mostly sexless existence. Granted I basically gave up on it too, I focused on the other areas of life, we make each other laugh easily, we are comfortable we rarely squabble, we didn't do drama...until now. I thought we were happy.
And maybe it's just my fragile male ego and I'm open to opinions or thoughts on this, but the fact that she finally had her sexual renaissance in the arms of another man feels like the dagger she stabbed in my back, she then twisted the blade.
I guess it makes sense though she found elsewhere what she wasn't getting here...
Day four is not a good day.
I am going to bump up a couple of excellent resources for newbies (in this forum), one entitled Tactical Primer, the other Before You Say Reconcile.
A couple of things are jumping out at me....is she still working with OM? She needs to go NC (no contact) immediately with OM. She may also have to consider finding a new job. It is going to be extremely difficult for any reconcilation if she still has any type of communication with him. Is he married?
Also, has she given you access to her cell phone bills, email accounts, facebook, voicemails, work emails? She needs to be completely transparent. Accountability for her whereabouts at all times.
Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Forgiveness is something that needs to be earned. Reconciliation is a gift.
Infidelity causes the crazy train, sadness, numbness, anger, rage, disgust. You will feel all of the above, trust me.
What was it that made her confess? Was it true remorse or was someone going to expose the affair?
Please get tested for STDs (both of you). Also, it is a good idea for the both of you to begin counseling, I support individual counseling first as she has to get to the bottom of why she allowed herself to travel down this destructive path.
Never accept blame for her actions. Ever. She had other options, communication, counseling, separation.
Post often and read, read, read, in all forums if possible.
Lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend, lean on us. We have walked in those painful shoes, unfortunately hope for the best but prepare for the worst as this is a long, long journey.
1. She needs to get a complete checkup and the standard pathogens: stds, hep, aids, etc.
2. You do the exact same thing.
There is a really good mantra in the medical field, "If it is wet and not yours, dont touch it." This may sound crass, be she has not been yours for quite some time. Go get checked out ASAP!!!
[This message edited by OneFootForward at 2:29 PM, May 10th (Friday)]
Stay strong. This is going to be a long rollercoaser ride. They say it can take upwards of 5 years to fully heal from this devastation.
The positive that I see is that your wife confessed. To me that says she realized what she did was wrong and feels guilty about it. She wanted to come clean. Maybe she'll come completely out of the "fog" and do all the hard work that is needed for a full reconciliation.
I hindsight I still don't really know how I could not see it right in front of my face how I could trust her so blindly only to have my delusions crash around me.
You could not see it because you trusted her and love her. You gave yourself completely to your wife and your marriage.
For the sake of your healing and the sake of your marriage I hope she offers full transparency of her e-mails, texts, computer, cell phone etc.... Now is her turn to give all she can to you and your marriage.
I also second what OneFootForward said, get yourself checked. You never know what she could've brought home to you.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
If there's a better WS, it would be one like yours, one that truly feels bad enough to confess. As long as she's there to comfort you and be honest, there's hope. Hang in there, day 3 for me, I was lying in a bed aching with a newborn baby and a toddler right next to me, sobbing in my parents house.
This place practically saved my sanity at times...
Read, post, read, post. It helps.
I wish I could take some of your pain away.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:00 PM, May 10th (Friday)]
I don't know when or why but at some point in the past we had a discussion about how messed up it was for someone to cheat on someone and then bring home a std, she already got tested before she engaged in anything with me, and we are using protection, but I guess it's better to be safer than sorry so I will heed your advice and get tests for us both.
OM is not married, he lives with his parents and his current method of communication is a voracious amount of texts. We will be drafting a no contact letter tonight though she already sent him a text saying that she told me about the A and that it was over. That was Tues. since then she's received about 40text messages of various levels of crazy, I've told her not to delete them but I also haven't had the stomach to read them yet part of me just wants to pretend this guy doesn't exist but I know it's something I need to do just trying to take baby steps...he's also going to fill up her memory soon at this rate.
Sadly they work together, the affair was conducted almost entirely in person, though there was a fair amount of texting, and Internet chatting as well and she is willing to give me access to all of these things.
From what I know only two people I the world knew what was going on, him and her. He seems to think he's got a vested relationship that he wants to fight for or something but I doubt one of his power plays would be exposing the a to me so without my evidence to the contrary I believe she confessed to me out of remorse.
May be a bit crass but it makes it no less true, thank you for the advice.
Thank you for the kind words I cannot believe how all of you are so helpful and supportive I can't even begin to imagine how I'd be coping with this if I had not found this website.
I would wish this pain on no person but I appreciate the sentiment. I have to agree in some ways it's like she found the website before me and studied up as she says all the right things she instantly offer transparancies she's calling me at her break and as soon as she clocks out so I can keep track of the time. She hasn't tried to blame me or the relationship she states that this was the worst mistake of her life.
If anything it hurts me more seeing how much we are both hurting. But yes after reading what so many other WSes pull on their BS I can only say they are all much stronger people than I am.