Alls I have is an electronic hug for you. I dont even want to imagine how you must feel after 1 year of continued lying...I am only 8 months out from DD...and our path has not been linear.
If you can, try and be still and pray....allow calmness to enter you before you contemplate what the "right" next move for you is to be.
I have not mastered this, but have done it enough to know it works.
God be with you.