I hope some of these traits can be learned...as I am missing a few of these...maybe not TOTALLY lacking them, but lacking them in sufficient levels to swear that I possess them in their entirety.
I feel growth in those deficient areas IS occurring within me. It is difficult, but finding it easier the more I do it....kinda like any new thing.
It gets easier as the more I grow the better I feel...so even if the hardness NEVER lessens (and I think it does) the once elusive rewards become real, become known and felt...it is a GREAT experience!!!
My original stimulus for this growth was to save my M. But real growth started to occur when I turned my focus for growth away from my marriage and put it on me. I have checked this with my counselor repeatedly...this is NOT a selfish act at all...so dont let yourself feel that way.
We are all imperfect. Change is not only possible, but it is inevitable. Why not do what you can for yourself and make that change a positive one?
NOTE: dont try to change your spouse...that is for him or her to do...for them to decide what they are willing and capable of doing. We merely must state as truthfully and honestly as we can (and that is tough with the emotions revolving around affairs and betrayals) what we need to rebuild our relationships.
I am a BH by the way.