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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He masturbated
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

He last masturbated 17 months ago. Yesterday I came home from work on his day off and discovered he had M.

He was in town when I discovered it by finding the lube out. I packed an overnight bag, confronted him and left when he arrived home. I told him I was going to my Mom's house and wouldn't be back for two days.

It hurts me when he does that as it is a rejection of me when he does that himself instead of being with me. Also he has done it with porn in the past and will likely do more things if he gets used to doing that again. The slippery slope.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Thanks.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it a deal-breaker for you while in R? It is for me due to my WH's escalation from porn// masturbation then leading to strip clubs/ oral sex with strippers & prostitutes:-(!t is a deal-breaker for me now. If we can't make love together, for whatever reason, and he wants to masturbate, I am involved and the one he is visualizing, not porn. He can hold me, touch me etc..., sorry if TMI. I trigger badly if he takes a long-ish shower:( All the best Jamie. Feel free to PM me if you need a friendl


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much Jamie. BTW that was not too much information. It helped me to hear what you think and do.

Masturbating once is not a deal breaker for me. But it will be if he continues. He needs to know I take it seriously and am opposed to it. I have made that clear and will follow up if he disregards that.

I have truly had enough. I do not plan to go back where we were. I can handle a very rare "slip" but I will not accept a relapse.

You are exactly right. Having sex with porn and refusing to have sex with me when I am eager to do so is rejection and betrayal. He didn't have porn available this time except I know he has plenty stored in his mind.

We have both worked too hard on R to give up now. I would be extremely disappointed if our marriage didn't work after all he did to betray me and all the hard work we have put into R.

However, he is not a truly beloved husband who has always been faithful, kind, honest and true. He has given me years of trouble, deep anguish and pain.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that you feel this is a slippery slope, however this is a normal human urge, it's almost like telling an obese person they can never eat again, yes there is an addiction component however I think there needs to be an "allowable" time, or component. By making it an absolute no no I think you are just opening yourself for disappointment.

Jamie's method of dealing with this issue is actually a very good one. I like that.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I have to agree with tushnurse on this. That's a pretty hard agreement for a man to live up to!! Women have to be loved and caressed into sex.......men just get an urge and a boner and have to do something with it or they'd be walking around knocking stuff off of tables!! Lol!! I'm not trying to make light of your feelings but it could possibly be just biological masterbating and not betrayal masterbating!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 141 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've already said abstaining from porn is totally fair enough and I'd never have a problem if it made the wife uncomfortable BUT I'm so sorry because I know you're hurting but- I personally don't think asking someone to stop masturbating is- dare I say- reasonable?!

Maybe TMI- I'm a grown man and I can control myself but sometimes I have to- what if it's early in the morning, no time for sex or the Mrs doesn't fancy it and I need to go to work- it's going to be quicker to have a go than it would be for it to..er..subside and I personally don't necessarily think of anything other than what I'm doing at the time.

Times like this I'm so pleased this is anonymous- I sound like a right wanker haha


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Alea iacta est...


Posts: 555 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too agree with tushnurse. That's asking ALOT.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Grimwyrm
♂ New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to chime in here b/c I'm a guy. While I'm a BH...I can also say: this is asking a lot. As someone currently sexually frustrated (we're not at a point yet where we are being physically intimate)...I've made the personal choice to not do this, but it has been extremely hard for me and I've had to do a considerable amount of praying to help prevent me from it.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, too, hurt2. If H asked that of me, I'd flip out. and I'm a lady. lol.

Sorry, I know how much it hurts. While H having A's,he would reject me and I would cry myself to sleep bc he would watch porn and had OW. I just didn't know about the OW while it was happening. I'm sorry. I think he just needed a release. But, at least you stood your ground and I'm sure he's sorry now...Good luck!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:48 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could agree with tushnurse, too, so long as he has been evaluated by a CSAT and determined NOT to be SA. If he is SA, allowing some M is like allowing an alcoholic 1 drink.....then believing that is all it will be. And it is a lot easier to find empty beer bottles to know when an alcoholic is using, with an SA it is very difficult to know.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

I've banned internet porn because my H was chatting to the women. But, I didn't ban masturbation, as I too think it's natural for all of us. What I did instead was give him pictures of me/us and a few short videos of us to use if he needs them. Hell, I use them sometimes too.

Maybe think about modifying your agreement so that he can occassionally masturbate but only using tools that will keep him away from that slippery slope.

((hugs))


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt2Deeply,

First let me say I'm very sorry you are hurting at this time.

As someone who has experience with this and has been evaluated by a CSAT the thing that concerns me, if your husband is a SA, is if he hid the fact that he masturbated when you made it part of your R agreement not to.

Personally, I don't feel it's an unreasonable request. IMO it's a controllable action. It's usually discussed and a requirement as a component of SA recovery. You should not feel that you are asking for too much if that's what you need to avoid sexual anorexia or feel safe in your marriage. Especially if your WH sexual anorexia was caused by chronic masturbation or use of porn as his way of acting out.

The fact that you discovered this on your own shows that he is already on a slippery slope if he's a SA. He's not communicating with you. He's not showing self control. If this isn't the first time then he is hiding his actions. Feeling shame and hiding an action is the core of SA.

SA's aren't able to achieve true intimacy and masturbation doesn't promote intimacy within a relationship. Sometimes even if the spouse is there. Communication is the foundation for opening up to true intimacy.

The most important thing is that your WH has to recognize an addiction, if there is one. He needs to get help for it and know that the work is never done. Just because someone goes through an intensive program or attends a 12-step group they are not magically cured at the end. It's something that needs to be worked on for the rest of your life.

You can't control his behavior or force him to change if he's not willing. He has to want to work on this on his own for himself. You need to set boundaries and stick with them and it appears you did that by leaving.

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

As a side note, I'm not trying to just emphasis SA but this is also about trust and breaking an agreement for R. How is this any different than breaking NC?


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

This is exactly what we do, both ways. No sexual gratification without the other involved in some way. If I am away on work trips the phone or video chat works.

Seriously though I think has really brought us much closer together sexually.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2429 | Registered: Aug 2012
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your input. It is nice to be anonymous!

I am not opposed to masturbation in some circumstances. But with my husband's history it bothers me. He is getting older and is not as interested in sex as he was when he was younger. So when he does that he also ignores me sexually for several days afterwards. With rejecting me sexually and my years without sex because his choices it bothers me.

Our children are grown and gone from home. We have a lot of time together now. I am very available to him.

He has less sexual interest now than I do. What do you think about my sexual desires? Do i matter? Should we both just do it by ourselves and not be concerned about each others needs?

Should I think oh he needed to do it let him do it doesn't matter that I wanted to do it with him. Because it would get that way eventually if he does it alone. That is not my idea of a good marriage.

I prefer him. He is happy with me sexually. I will talk to him about it tonight and ask if I am unreasonable.

I know he is happy he quit his inappropriate behavior as he believed it was wrong and he was not a nice man during those years and he was not happy with himself either.

Thank you for your help. You are awesome!


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is a sa, and its their recommendation in 12 step sa groups to abstain from masturbation because it can trigger compulsive thoughts. It is a slippery slope.

For us, any sexual gratification is done together.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Greatlakes
♂ New Member
Member # 39213
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with some of the other responses here, for some guys (including myself....embarrassing to say) the urge just gets in your mind and is hard to get rid of. For me (when I (bs) and wife (ws) were happier together) it was the stupid Victorias Secret catalogs that they send so many of...but it was always seeing something beautiful and then picturing my wife in that setting/clothing whatever. So even though the pictures triggered it, the masturbation was always focused on my wife. I think that is the important thing.


Me - 38 Betrayed H
Wife - 32 WS
Married 13 yrs w/ 4 yr old daughter.
Confused...

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013
Hurt2Deeply
♀ Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband told me he thought he was a Sex addict when we started counseling. I do not know that the therapist called him one.

I took him seriously when he told me that. I still do.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
webmistress
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, even as BS's, we have to manage our expectations. Unless your H has a serious sexual deviance (child pornography or sexual assault), I think it would be really challenging to take masturbation off the table. This wouldnt even be negotiable for my XWH. Even the suggestion of mutual masturbation, while I'm sure just about any man would readily agree to it, doesn't eliminate the need for them to fly solo when necessary.

Not to minimize your feelings about it, because we all have our pain associated with betrayal. So I totally understand the idea in theory, but in practice, I think you'll be packing your bags a lot. Are you two in MC? Are you in IC? A good therapist, someone who specializes in infidelity, might have suggestions to help you deal with the triggers and find solutions that are comfortable for both of you and keep R on track.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is a SA so unless he is going to do it with me then it is an absolute no in my house.
If he wasn't a SA and it didn't affect him wanting sex with me I probably wouldn't mind, but that isn't the case in my M so it really is up to the individual and if it bothers you, he should stop doing it without you being involved.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Hrtbrken1
♀ Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

I think I'm going to be in the minority on this, but I think it is very reasonable to ask him to not masturbate, especially if you're not there. It's a VERY slippery slope. And he didn't tell you. This is something that was agreed upon, and instead of talking to you he took the easy way out. My husband and I also have a "no jerking-off alone" agreement. That's just the price he has to pay for cheating. Porn was the first step down his path, until the masturbation became easier then connecting with his wife.

I gotta call bullshit with that "it's a natural urge" and "it's too much to ask"? Are we beasts? Can we not vocalize our needs? If he was doing it to porn would people still be ok with this?

I have to admit, I'm pretty disturbed that he did this. I would see it as a breach of NC. Why? Because they had an agreement, and porn/masturbation in itself becomes just another type of AP when the spouse isn't involved.

And to say he has to do it, because he's a man, is just downright silly.

((H2D))


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
Topic Posts: 34
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