..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The issues lie with the WH in this case, not Hurt2Deeply. I might be reading incorrectly but I get the impression a lot of posters are putting this baggage on her and it's her responsibility to get good with it.
It's surprising to me how many BS's on this thread are ignoring the actions of a WS who repeatedly rejected his wife sexually in the past and seem to me to be minimizing her feelings about it.
Unless your H has a serious sexual deviance (child pornography or sexual assault), I think it would be really challenging to take masturbation off the table.
Speaking as a WS who was diagnosed as a SA, I find statements like this very offensive. As myself and a few BS of SA stated, abstaining from masturbation is a common practice in recovery. There is no reason to link it with "serious sexual deviance". These attitudes are not helpful for a recovering addict or their spouse.
There have also been a few women on this thread speaking for men and the male perspective in general. I haven't masturbated for going onto 2 years now and my sex life has never been better, more intimate, passionate and fulfilling.
This is a deal breaker for us. This whole disaster spiraled from WH watching porn and masturbating. The porn use started very slowly and escalated while I was pregnant with our first child. It became so obsessive, that his brain essentially was "rewired" into quick hits of dopamine where sex was nothing more than self gratification.
Enter porn style, over-sexualized OW, and two years later I discovered I had the answer to why WH could no longer even get an erection with me (if I could ever even get him to TRY and have sex with me). He had himself so twisted, that he no longer even associated intimacy or love with sex. He actually mentally deleted our entire sexual history... I have to remind him very specifically about hot sex we used to have - he literally has no memory of it.
It has been a very painful road to recovery and it is far from over. With the work of our MC and his CSAT, masturbation is off the table for him. It is too much of a slippery slope. The only sexual gratification he currently indulges in is healthy, intimate sex with me.
Hot topic for me, as I never understood anyone's issue with masturbation or porn before this mess. It's great for those of us that have a healthy outlook on sex overall, but now I totally see the other side as well. I hope that you are able to work through this!
Is your husband reading Patrick Carnes? Going to a 12 step group? Finding help online or with a therapist? Abstaining from getting high doesn't mean anything. Alcoholics have the term dry drunk, where you aren't drinking, but still talk, think, and act like an alcoholic.
My H is a recovering SA, acting out with porn and compulsive masturbation.
My husband was 32 when masturbation was taken off the table. Assuming he lives into his 80's, that's a good 50 years of not spanking the monkey.
So far, DH has gone 5 years without it. He's still breathing. His testicles have not spontaneously exploded.
If my husband wants to remain married to me, there is no masturbation. I have no intentions of living with an active addict. I've BTDT and have the t-shirt. I don't have another recovery in me.
Consequences can be a bitch sometimes.
Things have been going well in our marriage. My H did more things to R than I have mentioned here. I know faithfulness to our marriage is the life he wants to lead.
I believe if he lets himself get started on his former destructive behaviors he could get to a very bad place again. As I said I will not be his wife if he goes back. I would much rather hold him to a higher standard than him go back to his depraved lifestyle and we lose our marriage. We are actually very compatible when he is not acting out.
I especially thank those of you who understand my feelings and position on this. I think it depends on the circumstances. Sexual/intimacy anorexia is very painful.
I only feel masturbation is acceptable when a spouses sex drive is very high compared to the other or during a time a long dry spell due to physical issues(ex. illness, apart, injury).
You need to be firm with your spouse and stick to your boundaries.
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Now that he confessed of having 3 sexual encounters, when he gets back in 4 weeks, that will be a deal breaker for me. No more porn. Period.
My husband was a compulsive masturbator. Yep, there is such a thing. He would do it 4-5 times a day, in addition to sex (regardless if it was with me or one of his AP's). He would do it to porn. He would do it in his car to and from work. He would do it AT work. He would do it in the driveway at home late late at night (think midnight) before coming to bed with me. He would do it anytime, anywhere essentially. He'd surf his porn on the computer, on his phone, on our kids computer.
When DDay#2 happened, all of that came out. He was I denial about his SA (we'd seen a psychologist 6 months prior) for quite some time until that day when all of his affairs, and the above came out.
He went to an intensive SA therapy workshop for 3 days, and SA 12-step meetings 3 times a week until he was employed again, and now it's once a week.
Again, in the SA world, masturbation is highly discouraged as it contributes to the compulsive thoughts and compulsive behavior. It takes away intimacy from your spouse, and it desensitizes them to real intimacy. In fact, often it's encouraged to go 3 months without sexual intimacy at all (solo or together) in the beginning to rewire the brain so to speak.
My FWH WANTED the no masturbation boundary for himself. I encouraged and supported him with that. In show of my support, I chose (my choice) to not fly solo either. We reserve that for each other now. Now, what we do together...no limits on that. Well, we do have one "rule" no sex where we can't look each other in the eye. We need it to be emotionally intimate as well. And not being able to look at each other can contribute to that "fantasizing" that he used to do. So, no doggy, etc. for us. Again, that was something he decided. I support it fully. We still have many many positions available for us though and make good use of them. Our sex life is much more fulfilling than it ever has been. WITHOUT all of the addiction stuff between us.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
[This message edited by JamieMc at 2:34 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]
As I said he has avoidant behavior so he has not initiated sex with me since. When I mentioned it to him tonight he said I was upset with him so he didn't think I would want too.
I believe he needs to bring up a discussion of it with me rather than avoid me. He can not stand conflict so he will ignore me to avoid it.
Thinking of you. Stick to your needs and desires. Don't settle.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou