Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LittleBigThings (44238)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Okay...so we were in false R...now what?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is really for those who have been following my journey...so much detail is left out.


I have wondered what false R would look like...trying to be on my guard to see it coming.

I am 8 months out.

Last Fall was pretty much a wash...I was reeling in shock and awe, my wife broke NC and had serious withdrawals over the perceived intimacy loss she just endured....it was just a dark, dark time...almost as if it were our drug years.


January saw a true, mostly complete confession come from my wife. While it was not the full timeline I had requested earlier, it felt really good and I thought the fog was officially gone.

We ramped up counseling and made a bit of progress.

But now, as I evaluate the reality of what is my M I see that we never were in R. Oh, we were and are working on our marriage...but not learning to R.

My wife is trying. But my wife continues to lie, continues to get defensive, continues to miss the point that if harm is done to one of us it is done to both of us, still has lingering feelings over the A itself (and for the OM), that anything kept private affords her the opportunity to fool me and herself as to who she really is, and fears full transparency as much now as she ever has.

I sometimes wonder how many different ways this trial of ours (yes, she brought the A into our M...but it is OUR M therefore this trial of learning to R our diffences is mine just as much as hers)has to show us just how little control we have over each other before she gets that what she desires, what she thinks she has in way of control, is simply not true. Actually, this should also prove to her that she doesnt even have control over HERSELF...so why the need to conceal? What good is coming from that? Maybe the good is that I cant hurt her like she hurt me if she doesnt let me in...into me see (intimacy).

She also is fixated on how she cant fully relax and be calm around me...this is much of our focus.

Due to the mess we are in it is hard to say what either of us were like pre-A...so I cant deny or confirm how my wife felt around me pre-A...only that we have been married 15 years and have done many of the typical transitions smoothly (job and house changes, having kids, broke to debt free journey, passing of loved ones, etc.)

I am unsure on how the point that lies and hiding things from a relaionship fail to build initmacy eludes my wife...but it does. I totally get how she cant be relaxed around me now. I have raged like never before, she has guilt and shame associated with her actions (sometimes), and I ask many uncomfortable questions....but she has told SOME hard truths to me...after which she fully admits she feels better and appreciates how I have handled them. (not sure of the accuracy of this statement from her...trust is just not there...and each lie to me adds that much more length to getting to trust her again).

And yet....the lies continue....the lack of relating continues to be her mode of operation.

The main thing I can come up with is that my wife is more of a control person then I ever thought she was. And maybe that is driving her...the feeling that she needs to keep things secret so that she can maintain power of some sort?

A fellow manager I work with does something similar. She intentionally keeps information a secret from her work team. When she thinks they need more information she gives them just enough to make the next widget. This is her way of maintaining control, maintaining the fact that she is the manager and the team could not survive without her (she likes her team to think this way and certainly appreciates thinking the CEO also feels she is invaluable).

The kicker is that her teams production consistently lags behind others and the projects are less robust when they are finished...she is not relating to her team she is delegating.

anyway...there is no doubt I have suffered through false R.

Now what?

I have seen real progress in me, so that is something I will continue to work on.

I still love my wife and my girls.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:04 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is trying. But my wife continues to lie, continues to get defensive, continues to miss the point that if harm is done to one of us it is done to both of us, still has lingering feelings over the A itself (and for the OM), that anything kept private affords her the opportunity to fool me and herself as to who she really is, and fears full transparency as much now as she ever has.

I sometimes wonder how many different ways this trial of ours (yes, she brought the A into our M...but it is OUR M therefore this trial of learning to R our diffences is mine just as much as hers)has to show us just how little control we have over each other before she gets that what she desires, what she thinks she has in way of control, is simply not true. Actually, this should also prove to her that she doesnt even have control over HERSELF...so why the need to conceal? What good is coming from that? Maybe the good is that I cant hurt her like she hurt me if she doesnt let me in...into me see (intimacy).

She also is fixated on how she cant fully relax and be calm around me...this is much of our focus.

This is concerning. You start with 'my wife is trying' and then follow it with she continues to lie, get defensive, etc. Those statements are contradictory.

You don't have to try not to lie or get defensive, you just don't. At some point SHE will have to be solely accountable. You are trying so hard to make this work, Blakesteele, I get that. My BH was the same way and I know it was because of how much he loves me. But the point that I really 'got it' was when I knew it was time to shit or get off the pot. When I knew he had enough.

When will it be enough for you? You can't 'nice her' into doing the right thing. That has to come from her.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36571 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blakesteele)))

The only person you can control is you.

You have to continue to heal and work on your issues so by the time you are through this journey you come out a better, stronger, healthier individual.

It has to be done for you because right now the jury is still out on your M. After the A when we go into R we may think we will end up still being married to our spouse, but sometimes it isn't the case. If that ends up happening, you would be in a much better place 2-3 , however many years, down the road.

What is she lying about? She needs to get to a point where she trusts you and knows you are working as a team, not individuals. She may be afraid to tell the truth for fear of rejection, which isn't ok, but understandable. If she is lying because she actually has something to hide…totally different story.

Where you go from here is a decision you make on a daily basis. Right now you are in it to heal and hopefully fix your M. Are any of her issues deal-breakers for you? Have you talked with your wife about the possibility that her lying could be/will be one if she continues?

The feelings she has about the A…that's a tough one. I don't know at what point people completely "get it" that the AP is not a fairytale, but an interloper in your marriage willing and able to cause harm. I think some it takes longer than others, but until she gets there…with her continued lying I wouldn't believe she has the ability to be trustworthy in a sitch with OM. That sucks….and is something you both need to explore.

Hang in there…you can only take one step at a time.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both.

Lying is a deal breaker...if she is unable to stop it then it is over.

I do not know why so much of her instinct is to initially lie when confronted with a question that has ANY sort of tough answer....

I guess I already knew the answer to the title of my post.

Is the A a deal breaker for me afterall? I truly dont think so...but my wifes continued actions surrounding the aftermath of her A can actually turn out to be dealbreakers.

I agree...when it comes to lying...how much is acceptable?

The lying is what has me tuned into what my wifes true intentions are.

Thank you for the support. This site has been amazing...and my feelings toward it will do nothing but grow as my journey continues.

Funny you mention the shit or get off the pot slogan....my wife and I shared that same sentiment within a conversation we had just yesterday.

I do feel that this time is upon us.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:22 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
My_Name_Is_Alice
♀ Member
Member # 34646
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blakesteele))

I had/have a similar situation with my WH. I don't know if your WW has discovered her why, or is at least looking into it, but whatever her why is may be preventing her from entering true R.

My WH's problems stemmed from an incident of childhood sexual abuse that he was absolutely terrified to confront. All the lies, defensiveness and seeking attention from other women continued because they were all coping mechanisms he developed to avoid having to deal with that one incident from 28 years ago.

Our false R has lasted 2.5 years. Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago, and his fear of losing his M finally outweighed his fear of confronting his issues. But now I have to deal with my personal issue of why I allowed him to treat me this way for so long. My issues are now keeping me from entering true R with him.

The bad news is, nothing you can do will convince your WW to confront her issues. And until she does, the lies, defensiveness and missing the OM will most likely continue. What you can do, that I should have done, is detach from your WW and work on you. The outcome of your M is unpredictable right now, but the good news is that you don't have to make a decision about that right now. You can work on you and make that decision when you're ready. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.


Me: BW (38)
Him: WH (37) (MyNameIsDoug)
Married in 2004, living together since 2003
1 son, 6 years old
DDay: ONS on 10/23/2010
Living in emotional hell, but soon to be free
Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you MNIAlice.

A week ago I decided we should stop MC and just do IC. The fact that you suggest this as well gives me even more confidence I am on a good path.

My wife did NOT like the idea of stopping MC and so we did MC again . Last night she changed her mind and now sees IC as the best choice for us now.

God be with us all


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blake)))

It sounds like you are coming round to the fact that you are still in a fog of sorts. As the BS, we all do it to a certain extent. We want to see our WS as the person we think they are and not who they are. Sometimes 'who they are' is as a result of W fog and sometimes it is just plain who they were all along.

I don't know which it is for your WW, but 'trying' and 'continuing to lie' are contradictory actions. What exactly is she lying about? Her thoughts and feelings surrounding the A or AP? Her thoughts and feelings surrounding you and your M?

I need to ask for asking sake...are you 100% sure that her A is not underground?

Have you shared Joseph's letter with her?

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

I agree with AN, she needs to know that she needs to shit or get off the pot.

You have to come to a place where you are ready for that. That you sit and reflect about what you need moving forward. What specific things she will have to do, what consequences there will be, what are your deal breakers etc...

Then you have to be willing to lose her and your M, Blake. In order to save it, you will have to take that risk. That is when you will decide that enough is enough. As someone already said and you have seen, you cannot nice her back in to your marriage. No amount of patience will make her 'all in'.

((Hugs))


ETA: I agree with Alice. Before you get to that spot, work on yourself. It really does give you the strength you need!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:18 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1414 | Registered: Jun 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokensmile322)))

No I am not 100% sure the A, or another one, is not underground....thus the real crux of the lies my wife tells around A type of activities...it counterweights any gains in trust that I have with my wife.

I dont have any facts that suggest it has...but a recent lie my wife told me give pause for concern regarding where she is at with her decision to have an A and to abandon the A for our M and our family.

Today I have put it to her that the lying stops now. She has directly agreed to this.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:46 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final death blow to my M wasn't the A itself, it was the realization that I was in false R with a person that either had no intention or no idea how to fix themselves. My STBXWW stopped the A but never really stopped being selfish. She TT'd me to death and I ultimately ended up finding things out on my own. She was more interested in protecting her image and avoiding shame than actually trying to fix things.

False R pushed me to finally work on me and essentially leave my WW emotionally behind. I properly detached and did the 180. I of course gave her my requirements for R and my boundaries again before doing so and proceeded to move forward with my life how I wanted. I was tired of waiting for her to get it. Eventually I filed for D. In the end some people will never get it or if they do it will be to late.

She is squandering her chance at R and once it's gone she will likely blame you for giving up when she never put REAL effort in to begin with.

My advice is if you aren't ready to file immediately after this realization then put ALL of the weight of R on her, 180, detach, and focus completely on you. If she isn't truly capable of owning her shit, you will see it pretty quickly once you start 180ing her and detach. you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink so if she isn't R material and you stick around eventually you will be the one hurt again and you will be pissed that you put your life on hold THAT much longer. Just my 2 cents.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1818 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC for both of you is a good. Based on what you said your W is not healthy enough to engage in R with you.

Her lying despite negative consequences is especially troubling. I know you aren't big on consequences for her, but you need to address what she is and is not doing that harms your M.

Draw a line and tell her, you do x, y, and z or we are getting a D. You are not going to nice her back into the M. At present things are too easy for her and she feels that if she can minimize this for long enough it will all go away. She doesn't consider your M ending as a real possibility right now.

She might be trying, but after some time trying isn't enough anymore. Detach before she drags you further into the muck with her.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2538 | Registered: May 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard for all of us, but I would bet a majority of us that have had a successful R have at one point or another done the hardest thing possible, and that is be willing to give up the M to save it.

My H broke NC a BUNCH of times early in R. I could not trust him, and had drawn my "line in the sand" that if he broke NC, and or lied to me again I was done, and he would be asked to leave. I made it abundtanly clear that I was no longer going to be his Second Choice, or be allowed to be a doormat.
NC was broken, I had proof, I gave him the opportunity to tell me, he lied. I told him to pack his shit and get out. He never really left the house, but he did finally get it, he blubbered like a baby, and finally the fog started to lift. I saw it. I saw the remorse, I saw the understanding of what he had done.

When I then again laid out my demands for R he chose to follow them, in the next weeks and months I saw my H return, he was loving, remorseful, and honest. I knew then that R would be successful.

My point is if she is being allowed to not work through the why's of what she did, and getting away with lies, and not being completely honest then she is not doing the work of R. You cannot force her to, but you can show her what she will lose should she continue to choose the path she is on.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7795 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if you're experiencing 'BS fog' and not 'false R'. IIRC, you pushed for R, despite signs that your W was not ready. The terminology doesn't matter, though - what matters is perceiving the actual sitch, and it sounds like you've made a quantum leap in that direction.

Part of that is realizing you've been working on your M. That's great! You haven't been in R, but you've done work you have to do to R. Yeah, it would have been better for you both if you hadn't thought you were in R, but you've made progress - the work you do counts a lot more than what you call it.

I think MC is essential too.

The problem you report is a giant one. If your W doesn't stop lying, she'll never be a candidate for R. But lying can happen only in a relationship.

MC provides innumerable opportunities for her to lie, to be confronted, and to learn to stop lying. In MC, her behavior is observable and measurable. (For crying out loud! You're a M_A_N_A_G_E_R - you can track it, spreadsheet it, and bring updated graphs to every session! )

I'd bet everything I own and can borrow that she lies to herself and lied to om - but no one can reliably observe internal lies, and there's no real point in putting her an om back together so the lies can be observed.... That leaves MC as the best way for her to learn that truth hurts a lot less than lies.

Now what? You update your view of reality, change behavior accordingly, figure out the KPIs and how to track 'em, and move on. What project that has a big goal ever goes smoothly?

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:35 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9745 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sisson...how I would love to share a meal with you and glean some of your knowledge.

Your insight and kindness shown towards me by following my journey is comforting.

Thank you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:17 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele, if I didn't know better I'd say we were married to the same woman. My wife lies as easily as she breathes. It's exhausting. Hang in there brother and do what you have to do.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 12:19 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness Sal1995...not only are we married to the same woman...I think we are twins as well (had intimacy issues within our marriage pre-A too....though we did not give them the weight they needed so we basically ignored them).

Your DD is very very recent.

I might suggest you look at my journey through my posts...might help you avoid some of the mistakes I have made along the way...or at least they will make you feel less crazy when you experience them too.

Hang in there too brother!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blakesteele))) What you are going through sounds so much like the first four months after my Dday. Where I was working myself raw trying to R, and my WH, while not cheating was still holding on to what I think of as the A lifestyle (lying, selfishness, shame, repression). I am going to quote 7yrsflushed:
The final death blow to my M wasn't the A itself, it was the realization that I was in false R with a person that either had no intention or no idea how to fix themselves. My STBXWW stopped the A but never really stopped being selfish. She TT'd me to death and I ultimately ended up finding things out on my own. She was more interested in protecting her image and avoiding shame than actually trying to fix things.
False R pushed me to finally work on me and essentially leave my WW emotionally behind. I properly detached and did the 180. I of course gave her my requirements for R and my boundaries again before doing so and proceeded to move forward with my life how I wanted.

Our journeys began the same way, but differed in that once I truly detached and did the 180, my WH realized he couldn't have it both ways and FINALLY snapped out of it. His advice has been hugely helpful to me, and I would recommend taking it to heart.

Some of us love so much, and try so hard, that we end up inadvertently slowing down R by allowing our WS's to skate by without doing the real work. It sounds like your wife needs to see that you have had enough. At that point, she will either change or not, but at least you won't be stuck in the unfair position you are in now. My hope for you is that she will open her eyes and see what you see, a marriage and family worth saving.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) I think that the lies are what finishes off the marriage. The A puts a knife through it, but continual lying is what gives it the final, killing blow. It took some time, after my FWH committed to our marriage, to give up lying about anything that didn't make him comfortable. Hell, he even lied about how he paid for a $2 parking lot ticket at the doctor's office! Our MC was great in holding him accountable and occasionally ripping him a new one, and also in helping me create a safer environment for him to come back to me after a reflexive lie, and telling me the truth. It was hard. It was hard for him to turn his thinking around. It was hard for me to not go ballistic. (Note: these were not DDay lies, had they been my going ballistic would have been appropriate.) But all three of us worked together, two of us (FWH and I) knowing that I had set a time limit that I would hold off of making the divorce decision, and that if that time limit came up and he was still lying, then he would be moving out of the house. At a minimum. Lord, I hope that your WW gets what she's doing to your R every time she lies, and soon.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4562 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. If it's any consolation, it's not unusual for WSes to sit on the fence and lie even though we know better.

My BH and I went to one MC session right after dday and the counselor told us our marriage was such a train wreck that he didn't think MC would help. He said I had to figure out what made me cheat and my H needed to figure out why he didn't put himself first.

My H stayed with that counselor and I found a different one. Both of them were honest with us- holding us accountable for our own issues. Then after about two months of IC, we started MC with my therapist. She didn't let me bullshit her either. She'd call me out if I wasn't being honest in our MC sessions.

It worked out really well for us because I felt safe talking to my H with her there. And she was able to help me say what I meant even though it felt horrible to do that.

We alternated IC with MC and talked at home also. It was grueling, but we both saw how helpful it was and it taught us how to experience the conflict safely. It didn't feel good- and we both still hate to fight- but at least now we can do it without feeling like the world is ending. Which means that instead of internalizing anger and having it turn to resentment and acting out, we talk it out.

There's hope if your WW will go to IC and really do the work.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23477 | Registered: May 2004
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.