Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is a big one
ciaobaby
♀ Member
Member # 34307
What?  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone - I haven't been on here for a while but now I need your help! To get you up to speed - he was in contact with her again - I kicked him out. Told him some things that needed to be done if he thought he was ever coming back to our house or my life. He is doing them but I am far from trusting him - obviously. Fast forward a about 2 months.

My psychotherapist yesterday asked what more I needed in order to trust him. I told her a phone call or text in front of me telling her the relationship is over and she doesn't matter any more. Therapist told me that would do me no good. It would be better for him to set up a coffee meeting with her and then we both show up as a united front and he tells her then. She said I will be able to tell the truth from observing them.

Obviously what I do is my choice - my gut says no way am I going to do this but she has a point - and she has been spot on about everything since I've started going to her.

So - what would you do? I've only had 24 hours to think about it but I really want some honest opinions/experiences.


me - hopeful wife
him - a work in progress
10/26/11
Me: How did this happen?
Him: I don't know.
Me:Why?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well did you trip over a footstool and your penis accidentally landed in her vagina?

Posts: 222 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: New York
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gah... My stomach just lurched at the very idea of having to face OW with WH for a coffee. Personally, I'd rather the NC letter (I like things in writing!) sent from whatever email account they used most often. Why initiate in-person contact to announce that there's going to be no more contact? Would you even want to sit through that? Would OW even sit there and listen to what ever it is he has to say to her with you present? Chances are, she'd walk out without listening or make a scene.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would totally want to see them with my own eyes. That would be my answer, for sure.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm for not meeting.

This is making her much too important. A quick, firm, to-the-point phone call and done.

You don't need to observe them to see the truth. Your H's actions will show you soon enough.

Don't give her that much power by meeting with her.

JMHO


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37282 | Registered: Sep 2007
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thought of meeting for this makes me simultaneously want to vomit and put my fist through the wall. Even 9 months out, this unpredictability is exactly why I hope I don't run into OW - either alone or with my H. I cannot trust myself to NOT do something that would get me arrested.

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I would avoid the meeting, your therapist has a point. All it takes is a down- low phone call to say "she made me say that". In fact - that's exactly what OW texted when H sent his NC text. Now his actions proved otherwise....


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not set up a meeting. It could very quickly degenerate into a ugly situation depending on the reaction of OW.

The course of action that my/our therapist recommended was for WH to write a NC letter. I sent the letter via courier to the OW's place of work. The delivery instructions required OW to sign an receipt that she had received the letter. The delivery instructions were that the delivery person was to immediately call me after the letter was delivered and the receipt was provided to me. Having the letter delivered to her at her place of work made it more difficult for her to refuse to sign the receipt as it would have seemed strange. Our therapist explained that by making it a requirement for the OW to sign for the letter, it makes it impossible for her to argue that she never received the letter and it makes more of an impression psychologically.

Hope this helps.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, think a meeting makes ow too important. Besides, I'm pretty observant, but I wouldn't trust myself to distinguish truth from lies in a meeting between my W and ow - they kept the truth hidden from me for a long time, after all....

I think a short, strongly worded statement of NC which shows no respect for ow's feelings is needed. A text is an awful way to end a relationship, so IMO it's a superb way to end an A, as in:

"This is the last time I'll contact you. If you attempt to contact me again, I will not respond."

BUT, BUT, BUT ... is a statement of NC really enough for you to trust your H again? Isn't there more that you need, like 1) the statement; 2) true NC forever; 3) changes in your H's behavior, 4) etc., etc., etc.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The course of action that my/our therapist recommended was for WH to write a NC letter. I sent the letter via courier to the OW's place of work. The delivery instructions required OW to sign an receipt that she had received the letter. The delivery instructions were that the delivery person was to immediately call me after the letter was delivered and the receipt was provided to me. Having the letter delivered to her at her place of work made it more difficult for her to refuse to sign the receipt as it would have seemed strange. Our therapist explained that by making it a requirement for the OW to sign for the letter, it makes it impossible for her to argue that she never received the letter and it makes more of an impression psychologically.

I like this. I don't think I could have a coffee date with OW. I would wind up throwing mine on someone. It would not be pretty.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 787 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would a phone call be just as telling for you? You can watch, and listen, to H. And who gives a shit about her?

I'm in the "if I see her I will hurt her" camp. Not pretty


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't see how meeting in person would be any different than a phone call. Just because they meet in person with you present doesn't mean that he either didn't tip her off about it to begin with, or that he doesn't call her afterward and tell her that he had to do that and all is good now that you "trust" him again.

We've all seen how NC declarations are only as good as the person making them. He's declared (presumably) NC with her before, so what would be different this time?

I know you might want some grand gesture to cement it that THIS TIME, NC means NC. However there is no grand gesture that will make it any more meaningful than it was before. Let's look at statistics.

When John Kerry told the world that he didn't father that child, that was probably a pretty grand gesture that he was being "honest" with his BW and that he wasn't going to have anything to do with that woman again. However, as we all know, it WAS his child, and he DID continue to have contact with that woman.

If they want to lie, they will lie. Grand gesture or not, I wouldn't believe NC this time as he's already broken it in a big way before.

In my book, there are no third chances. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

((ciaobaby))


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesitgetbetter,

Please note the following guideline:

NO POLITICS: We have zero tolerance of discussing politics here. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed. Violation of this guideline results in losing your profile.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37282 | Registered: Sep 2007
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, so how does this work? You all stand in line together, order your coffee, then try to find a table. Then your H tells her "no more contact, OW!" Then you sit there together, drink your $4 coffee and go home?

Was your therapist perhaps high?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, nevermind. I re-read - have not yet finished MY coffee. He is supposed to trick her.

Ugh.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Hopefulguy
♂ New Member
Member # 39219
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds absolutely horrendous. I don't even know who the other person is for my WS and in many ways I am glad I don't as I really hate that person more than it is probably healthy to hate someone.

The whole situation sounds far too dramatic, how does getting your WS to lie to her help anything. The man needs to embrace the lifestyle of honesty not continue in his lying ways.

Awful idea all around.


D-day 5/7/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: May 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhhh, no! YOUR gut is right and your therapist needs to read a few books on this subject.

Authenticnow is right too - by meeting with her you make her WAY TOO IMPORTANT. She was not the cause of your problems nor is she the solution. She does need to go away. Your H needs to tell her that. But not in person.

Have your H write a NC letter. Once he has done that, you review it and perhaps add anything you feel is necessary. He can sign both your names to it.

That way, she knows he wrote it and its from both of you. Stand united. She needs to see that. Once she is out of the picture entirely, you can begin to work on healing from the A and address the primary concerns you have.


A coffee "date". Give me a "effen" break!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.