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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Continuing to embrace unkindness...
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WW continues to embrace unkindness towards me...8 months out from DD.

Today she raged towards me as I triggered upon seeing her AP (from a distance) on the way to my daughters kindergarten graduation ceremony. She kept this up for hours...never once showing remorse, no apology, no soft touch....the BEST she offered me today was cold silence.

I left town w my girls as planned to attend a friend of mines funeral. Wife working her business this weekend...no mention of support as I left to go to the funeral.

She has read How to Help Your Spouse Heal book....told me she 100% agrees with it....but continues to refrain from putting the advice into motion....particularly when under any sort of discomfort. Actually, when I asked where the hard copy was she could not find it...though she did have it on her e reader...complete with highlights. I guess she was highlighting what she was planning on NOT doing. God forgive me for venting in a distrespectful way towards my wife.

I get that during the excitement of the secret A that my wife was in a whacked state of mind.., but now what am I to think? Is this what spouses of addicts have to deal with?


I feel I am nearing the end of my rope...,

God be with me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:15 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Blake)) Sorry to read this. What is her response when you comment that she needs to put actions behind all the head-nodding she does?

Today I called my H a "motherfucker". Do you stoop like me? I don't like to "go there" - to that place - but I have.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44...today her response to this request was "oh, I see...what is broken in YOU is mine to fix. And what is broken in me is also just mine to fix.!"

My response....Yes, w regards to the A that is yours to own...that broken part within you that allowed an A to be a viable option for you was broken not by my doing. I am working on what was broken within me pre-A on my own. What I am speaking to needing from you is your help to heal the damage your A directly caused me and jeopardizes our family now.

She did not grasp that.

We are slipping fast....but maybe it is more like I am seeing where we are at for the first time...and my wife was already down here and quite at home. Sigh

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh...yep....now BOTH of us get medal for vulgar insults to each other.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just sorry. You describe my WH, but the end happened on Sunday. Not that he said anything more unkind as usual... But it was just somethink that clicked in me and I said to myself - no more.
Since then I have cried for 2 days and been sad the rest. Sad ONLY when I think back to the year I have wasted. All the ups (yes there were) and downs...
I'm now in survival mode and he is not a part of that at all. I hope she gets what she is doing before it's too late. God help us all. Take care of you and your little ones.


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blakesteele)))

I know.
This is so difficult isn't it. Today is my 2 year Antiversary, & I am in a similiar place with my WH.

I think we need to focus on the 180-----that is the only alternative BSs in our shoes have now (instead of focusing on what WS is NOT doing).


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your response to your WH was very well put, Blake. And you handled it so well considering the cold remark she came out with.

Shortly after I found out, my H's best friend was talking to me about the break up of his own marriage. He commented on his INACTION in the marriage and how, it was a betrayal of sorts as well. His wife needed him to be there when her dad died and he was not. Action vs. In-Action. She felt betrayed by him doing nothing.

I hope your wife starts turning this around.

Whether she does or not, you need to work on healing you.

Take care.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:05 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Blakesteele))))

I am so sorry. I feel her behavior is unacceptable. You have tried so hard. The fact is, her A damaged you. She is responsible for repairing that damage, as well as her own. You are owning your own, previous issues.

I hope she opens her eyes soon.

My heart goes out to you.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Fightingmad
♀ Member
Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blake)))

Be strong, look inside yourself and to God for guidance. She needs to own this and you need to 4 x 4 her maybe at MC or as said do a 180 and start preparing yourself for a better life...

Thoughts and prayers are with you


Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love


Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blake))

It is just not acceptable to get angry when you trigger over seeing the OM.

Yes. It IS her job to help fix that within you. The OM would have been nothing to you if she hadn't done what she had done. It absolutely is her responsibility.

Great job by leaving with the kids to do this thing on your own. It is so hard to do as a BS especially when things are not on good terms. You fear something will happen. Your going is your first step in letting go.

Blake, I think you are doing terrific. I think you are coming around to what you are dealing with, deciding that it is not good enough, and figuring out what to do from here.

180 where you need to and start working on YOU!! You have done so much work already. You should be proud!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:08 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokensmile322)))


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will second what everyone else has said about your grace through this awful time. I have been reading your posts since I got on this site and you seem like a very thoughtful, determined person with a great deal of sensibility.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable.

You are hurting. She is not helping.

Be proud of who you are becoming through all of this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will second what everyone else has said about your grace through this awful time. I have been reading your posts since I got on this site and you seem like a very thoughtful, determined person with a great deal of sensibility.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable.

You are hurting. She is not helping.

Be proud of who you are becoming through all of this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as a FWW,

For about the first year after what I did, I had real difficulty being empathetic when my H would trigger. I was so stuck in the shame and regret cycle that I would get defensive when he would trigger and I would want to deflect it.

I wasn't until I truly got the fact that there was really something broken inside of me, and I was the one responsible for all of this, then I became remorseful and empathetic. At that point I was able to let his pain in and really feel it and want to help him. I wasn't angry anymore about it.

I don't see your wife there yet. Will she get there, don't know. Time will tell. So what do you do in the meantime? Take care of you. Start healing, move forward, detach a bit and watch to see what she does. Sorry she is not giving you what you need at this time.

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:01 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4457 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl,

It wasn't until I truly got the fact that there was really something broken inside of me, and I was the one responsible for all of this, then I became remorseful and empathetic.

How, specifically, did you get to that point?
I keep hoping that my WH will "get it" too.

BTW, my hat goes off to you for your bravery & all of your hard work.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a mirror held up to me by someone on this site. All of the sudden I sat back and went OMG, I am just like this. I am this screwed up. The problem isn't my M, it isn't him, it is me. And I literally walked into my IC's office that day and told her that. And she said thank God you finally see that.

Up to that point I kept thinking if we could just fix the M I would feel ok, because it was the M that was broken, not me. Once I realized that I was the one with the screwed up filters in my brain, and the screwed up processes, I could take responsibility. And EVERYTHING changed.

I can say that after I busted my H almost two years later, the same thing happened with him. He had to get to the point where he realized he was the problem. Not me, not the M. And he has changed everything about how he does things, and he has been empathetic to me in a way that he never has before.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4457 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl,
I have learned a lot from being on this site also.
I have learned what it means to truly be authentic ---- I have had trouble with that because of fear of abandonment & rejection. I harbored anger towards WH for years because he was not present in our marriage & I was unhappy, & I did not communicate what was really going on inside of me .
I wish that WH wanted to take a look at himself.

Blakesteele, You are really doing well with how clearly you see it & how strong you are being. It sounds like whatever WW is throwing your way, you keep bringing it back to the main issue. Good work. May God help us all.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 4:18 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
kenny55
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. So you throw up on the floor. Who would your wife expect to clean up the mess? You or her?

Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2009
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, you folks are sooo good to me!!!

Thank you all.

I embrace and am comforted vt your comments.

I must say though I do NOT feel strong or wise or that I have a clear picture of what to do.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, you folks are sooo good to me!!!

Thank you all.

I embrace and am comforted by your comments.

I must say though I do NOT feel Particularly strong or wise or that I have a clear picture of what to do.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:23 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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