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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I can't get angry w/o going "there"
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight we are the happy family bringing our kids to a new sports program. My H had to make two trips to the car and by the time he came back from trip #2 he was mad bc the bag I was having him look for was not there. I forgt it. My memory has not been so great since December! But he was SO annoyed and so...sucky about it. I just felt stupid.

As well...yesterday my sister asked me to tell my Dad something - well, I forgot to do that too and she actually reprimanded me. I told her I didn't deserve that - it was not intentional and I truly forgot. And besides...she could have told him herself!

Well, I guess between her reaction and then him wanting me to "validate his frustration" over the bag, I blew up at him (away from the kids). But when I blow, I usually bring the A back into it. I KNOW that is wrong. I KNOW I need not dredge the A into every single arguement we have but I seem to unravel quickly and when I do I can't help but scream that if he didn't F around then I wouldn't be losing my cool. I can't seem to stick to the topic at hand w/o going "there".

I even called him a mo-fo.

If you can offer some advice, I will take it!
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear about your day.

I, too, have had memory trouble since DD.

I, too, have said very bad things to my wife.

How does your husband respond to your rage?

I do feel I am going crazy.

This site is helping me from getting crazy.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2672 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have memory problems when I'm 'normal." After DDay, my mind was like a collendar full of holes with stuff being poured into it and then leaking right out. It got so bad that my normal list-making of the day's goals had to be broken down by hours at times! So I completely empathize with you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4085 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake - during the rage my H always says something like, "Yes, I brought this to you. I am very sorry. This will never ever happen again."

His IC told him that at some point he will start to "resent" my anger if he is doing everything "right" and I still get angry....but now is probably not the time.

Oh - ya think?!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't give you any advice. I can only say that I understand your situation. And that I would probably do the same thing. Don't feel guilty. Just try to hold yourself back, cause what you said in your previous post "may resent your anger" I can see that from a man. You have every right to be angry, and you should have the choice to speak, cry, yell whenever you feel the need. Take care :)


HIM - 55 (looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 55 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44, I can relate to your situation. I feel the same way myself sometimes. I have found that usually I react, and "go there" because something my H is doing reminds me of how he treated me during his period of insanity. For example, during that period, he was extremely critical of the way I did things, was very short tempered, and in general, was not very nice to me. Now, if he gets like this, I let him know exactly what I am feeling and why. This usually diffuses the situation. Hope this helps.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 916 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I totally understand. It's like this, you totally disrespect me, I give you another chance and this is what I get for it? We're asked to put all our negative thoughts and feelings up on a shelf but they all come tumbling down of the shelf when I feel disrespected again.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These things, in addition to the stress of this situation, worsen memory:

1. Lack of sleep
2. Sugar and carbs
3. Hormonal issues, which is why pregnant women complain of foggy thinking, and it's a monster problem during peri-menopause.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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